Hello there Ruski,Sandy,Gabbi,H-Girl:
How are all you lovely peeps doing,I am doing not bad could be a bit better but hey it's better than using Right?
Where are you Sandy what is it today I lost count here,anyway's if your there and your I don't know 15/16 day's clean,way to go my doll,but if you fell well your only human I won't love you any less you know,you'll alway's be my Sandy.
How are you doing Gabbi and H-Girl?I hope you know that sometimes I don't write cause I have my hand's full with three little munchkin's but I do come on a couple of times a day and read what is new,so know that I am here if needed ok girl's,anytime.
Ruski about Carnation Street we get it here also I too don't realy like it but what I do watch as often as I can cause it's so hilarious is Keepng Up Apperences,what a show I love it.There was also this other one I used to watch with these two ladies one blond one brunette and they alway's partied alway's drunk very funny also,don't remember the name though.
I will be letting you go for now have a busy day ahead with the weekend coming,and it being friday and all.So till later my friend's luv you's all with all my heart,over and out The Black Widow......
Your friend Teena......
Hiya Teen, H-g, Sandy and Gabster,
Theres not enough time in my day to reply to all these questions. Its mad but the more I read from you guys im kind of building up one of those Crimewatch photofit pictures and a profile for each of you. I must say h-g youve got me intrieged now. How can you write all that stuff about being unusual and not expect us to want to know more. Go on, please just tell us your name we're all adults here. No I havent seen a picture of anyone on here yet and your right I have got a picture in my head of you guys. I think I said before that everytime I think about what you all must look like I can see you from far off but the closer I get the more blurred your faces go. Someone, I think you gave me an idea about how they thought i'd look, it was a cross between Jude Law and Ewan Macgregor. Come on girls if I looked like either of those two i probably wouldnt be on here in the first place. But appart from that no-one else has given me an idea of what I might look like. I can only tell you what other people have told me about myself. Ive never heard anyone call me ugly but we've all got different tastes havent we. Whats does it matter anyway, we'll probably never meet. Probably.Never.
Your right h-girl, i do wonder if It is worth while doing my hair and whether anyone would see me as being any different, if i just left it. Since Ive had my hair shaved off ive not been getting as many looks on the streets but before that my hairs been bleached or in pineapple dreads and the 'normal' people round here cant help but look.
What ive come to find from travelling around so much is that its not so much what you expect of a place but what experiences you have whilst your there. I didnt enjoy New York so much but i was with my x-girlfriend and she was a total pain. However, if I'd have met up with all us guys on here then im sure the experience would be excellent. Big buildings dont turn me on though and I cant understand what it is about New York thats so good. Maybe you can tell me.
Your right about the dull weather though.The rain is s*** and I hate the snow but maybe if it wasnt for me living in this depressing s***hole I wouldnt appreciate the summer so much. After living in Russia I never want to see snow again. Theres some days when im just walking along and ill get a smell of something and suddenly i'll be transported back to Siberia or Bonfire night 1995, do you get these flashbacks? Its true that the people do reflect the weather. Everyone round here seems to have a permanant scowl on their face. I try and be near happier people. A lot of my friends are black or mediteranean and have a different attitude to life.
I know what you mean about being forced off the computer because I have to use my dads one here. Same thing happens, my mum always seems to need it as soon as I get setted. But at the moment theyre watching 'Eastenders' which is like 'Coronation Street' but set in London. That other program you were thinking of Teena is called 'Absolutly Fabulous'.
GAbs, It seems like I must have got used to being a smackhead because even though I dont use that much, I still dont have any problem filling in my days and working is the last thing on my mind. Its just that i have to listen to people like my parents tell me how much they cant stand getting up in morning or getting bollocked by their bosses....for what? Ive already been through all that s***.thanx...I worked from 18 till about 25 and I hated it.I used to be a computer programmer for this aeroplane manufacturer. Lets just say ive taken early retirement. I know you are doing it to fill in your time,like you said, so i suppose if it works for you, then im glad.
That brings me to this form someone sent me for a rehab today and it explained all the different parts of the course. Im sure they expect you to be a complete idiot before you go in there. All this about organising your social life and 'getting employment' being the 'ULTIMATE GAIN'. If you ask me, I just dont like being one of the crowd to start with. I like to do what I want to do. I dont tell other people how to live their life, so I cant stand it when someone tells me how to live mine. Normal people cant stand it when I say things like this to them. Oh your childish or not taking responsibility for your life. Well f*** off and just leave me alone then because im quite happy on my own, reading my books or painting or hanging out with my friends. All I want help with is stopping Heroin and the rest i'll sort out myself. Gabs, this isnt directed at you ok. I wasnt even going to write it. Tell me if what Ive just written sounds like you before you were clean. Im a bit worried about this rehab trying to brainwash me, thats why I cant stand the idea of NA or any religeous related rehabs. Before I started using drugs people liked me because I was an individual and I dont want anyone to try and change that part of me. Also Ive only me to blame for using and i never involve anyone else in it or talk about it to no-one appart from you guys. OK, your going to say that I involve people without knowing it. Theres only my parents and family that I care about it and they just get on with their life whether im clean or not. I dont have a miserable face when I come here or talk about anything that might stress them out. I dont even look like a smackhead and if i didnt tell people then nobody would ever know.
Your right about stopping gabs, because its like asking a runner to just stop dead on the finish line.
Your totally right though, I dont know the next fix wont kill me. Ive no answer to that.
As for all you guys on here, I like you the way you are like Teena said. Theres nothing at all that bugs me about any of you. Honestly i'd tell you if there was.
ok, ive got to go and see a man about another dog again.
PLEASE, dont take anything ive said the wrong way will you.
see you all soon,
Paul xxxxxxxxx
Theres not enough time in my day to reply to all these questions. Its mad but the more I read from you guys im kind of building up one of those Crimewatch photofit pictures and a profile for each of you. I must say h-g youve got me intrieged now. How can you write all that stuff about being unusual and not expect us to want to know more. Go on, please just tell us your name we're all adults here. No I havent seen a picture of anyone on here yet and your right I have got a picture in my head of you guys. I think I said before that everytime I think about what you all must look like I can see you from far off but the closer I get the more blurred your faces go. Someone, I think you gave me an idea about how they thought i'd look, it was a cross between Jude Law and Ewan Macgregor. Come on girls if I looked like either of those two i probably wouldnt be on here in the first place. But appart from that no-one else has given me an idea of what I might look like. I can only tell you what other people have told me about myself. Ive never heard anyone call me ugly but we've all got different tastes havent we. Whats does it matter anyway, we'll probably never meet. Probably.Never.
Your right h-girl, i do wonder if It is worth while doing my hair and whether anyone would see me as being any different, if i just left it. Since Ive had my hair shaved off ive not been getting as many looks on the streets but before that my hairs been bleached or in pineapple dreads and the 'normal' people round here cant help but look.
What ive come to find from travelling around so much is that its not so much what you expect of a place but what experiences you have whilst your there. I didnt enjoy New York so much but i was with my x-girlfriend and she was a total pain. However, if I'd have met up with all us guys on here then im sure the experience would be excellent. Big buildings dont turn me on though and I cant understand what it is about New York thats so good. Maybe you can tell me.
Your right about the dull weather though.The rain is s*** and I hate the snow but maybe if it wasnt for me living in this depressing s***hole I wouldnt appreciate the summer so much. After living in Russia I never want to see snow again. Theres some days when im just walking along and ill get a smell of something and suddenly i'll be transported back to Siberia or Bonfire night 1995, do you get these flashbacks? Its true that the people do reflect the weather. Everyone round here seems to have a permanant scowl on their face. I try and be near happier people. A lot of my friends are black or mediteranean and have a different attitude to life.
I know what you mean about being forced off the computer because I have to use my dads one here. Same thing happens, my mum always seems to need it as soon as I get setted. But at the moment theyre watching 'Eastenders' which is like 'Coronation Street' but set in London. That other program you were thinking of Teena is called 'Absolutly Fabulous'.
GAbs, It seems like I must have got used to being a smackhead because even though I dont use that much, I still dont have any problem filling in my days and working is the last thing on my mind. Its just that i have to listen to people like my parents tell me how much they cant stand getting up in morning or getting bollocked by their bosses....for what? Ive already been through all that s***.thanx...I worked from 18 till about 25 and I hated it.I used to be a computer programmer for this aeroplane manufacturer. Lets just say ive taken early retirement. I know you are doing it to fill in your time,like you said, so i suppose if it works for you, then im glad.
That brings me to this form someone sent me for a rehab today and it explained all the different parts of the course. Im sure they expect you to be a complete idiot before you go in there. All this about organising your social life and 'getting employment' being the 'ULTIMATE GAIN'. If you ask me, I just dont like being one of the crowd to start with. I like to do what I want to do. I dont tell other people how to live their life, so I cant stand it when someone tells me how to live mine. Normal people cant stand it when I say things like this to them. Oh your childish or not taking responsibility for your life. Well f*** off and just leave me alone then because im quite happy on my own, reading my books or painting or hanging out with my friends. All I want help with is stopping Heroin and the rest i'll sort out myself. Gabs, this isnt directed at you ok. I wasnt even going to write it. Tell me if what Ive just written sounds like you before you were clean. Im a bit worried about this rehab trying to brainwash me, thats why I cant stand the idea of NA or any religeous related rehabs. Before I started using drugs people liked me because I was an individual and I dont want anyone to try and change that part of me. Also Ive only me to blame for using and i never involve anyone else in it or talk about it to no-one appart from you guys. OK, your going to say that I involve people without knowing it. Theres only my parents and family that I care about it and they just get on with their life whether im clean or not. I dont have a miserable face when I come here or talk about anything that might stress them out. I dont even look like a smackhead and if i didnt tell people then nobody would ever know.
Your right about stopping gabs, because its like asking a runner to just stop dead on the finish line.
Your totally right though, I dont know the next fix wont kill me. Ive no answer to that.
As for all you guys on here, I like you the way you are like Teena said. Theres nothing at all that bugs me about any of you. Honestly i'd tell you if there was.
ok, ive got to go and see a man about another dog again.
PLEASE, dont take anything ive said the wrong way will you.
see you all soon,
Paul xxxxxxxxx
Have you all deserted me or what?
Tee, your 5 hours behind, so its about 2pm there, so your probably out shopping or playing with the kids.And Sandy your probably out with your cousins arnt you? I had a look at that place where you are 'Tacoma' and it sounds like a boring place to me, a bit like here.I didnt realise that you and teena were so close to the American/Canadian border.... And also the mysterious h-girl who lives somewhere in the South of N.America right? Anyway your both 8 hours behind, so its still morning there, so you'll both be still getting your heads together.
Tee you mentioned a film called terminal, we dont have it here because its not come out yet. Tonight im staying here at my mum and dads and we're going to watch something called the village later. Supposed to be good ive heard.
Last night I watched this cool thing on tv, a documentary about the woodstock festival in the 60,s. That looked like a mad place, I would have loved to be there. There was this hippy guy called 'Wavy Gravy' and his wife who took it on themselves to feed all the hungry hippies at the festival. The same guy tried to do it at this Woodstock revival festival in about 98 I think and he almost ended up getting fried by all the punks! They punks were heard chanting 'Burn Wavy Gravy' Ha!ha!. SO much for the summer of love. I think Ive got a bit of hippy in me somewhere. If i'd been alive back then I would have been into all that free-love and flower power. like wow,hey man!
I cant remember who I was telling but somedays I get these kind of flashbacks and feelings of deja-vu especially when I smell certain smells. I get these deja-vus especially on the wide open plains. Its like a feeling of belonging and familiarity but for no reason apparent to me. Does anyone else get these feelings? Ive heard of this special root called 'Ibogaine' what the witch doctors and shamens use in S.America and Africa. When you take it, its supposed to clean 'purge' your body of all bad toxins and then bring on strong hallucinations. They reckon the trip is so strong that it opens up your sub-concious of all the bad things youve tried to hide. In the same way the drug purges your body it is also said to clean the mind. Its strong enough to cause death in some cases. Theyve been using this drug to detox Heroin addicts and if you survive its supposed to be really effective or just so scary that you never want to go through with it again. Ive seen this guy on tv try it and he s*** himself, literally. There was this camp in Peru that does these Ibogaine detox's and I wrote to it a few months ago but didnt get a reply. I'd definatly try it.
Is there anyone else heard of it?
well, just thought i'd say hi to everyone and i'll come back and check again later.
hope your all alright. well done sandy for being 16 days clean now,
please dont tell me that ive upset you h-girl,
and T, well Thanks for just being U, sunshine
Ooooooo-Weeeee Peace and love man,
from Pauly xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Tee, your 5 hours behind, so its about 2pm there, so your probably out shopping or playing with the kids.And Sandy your probably out with your cousins arnt you? I had a look at that place where you are 'Tacoma' and it sounds like a boring place to me, a bit like here.I didnt realise that you and teena were so close to the American/Canadian border.... And also the mysterious h-girl who lives somewhere in the South of N.America right? Anyway your both 8 hours behind, so its still morning there, so you'll both be still getting your heads together.
Tee you mentioned a film called terminal, we dont have it here because its not come out yet. Tonight im staying here at my mum and dads and we're going to watch something called the village later. Supposed to be good ive heard.
Last night I watched this cool thing on tv, a documentary about the woodstock festival in the 60,s. That looked like a mad place, I would have loved to be there. There was this hippy guy called 'Wavy Gravy' and his wife who took it on themselves to feed all the hungry hippies at the festival. The same guy tried to do it at this Woodstock revival festival in about 98 I think and he almost ended up getting fried by all the punks! They punks were heard chanting 'Burn Wavy Gravy' Ha!ha!. SO much for the summer of love. I think Ive got a bit of hippy in me somewhere. If i'd been alive back then I would have been into all that free-love and flower power. like wow,hey man!
I cant remember who I was telling but somedays I get these kind of flashbacks and feelings of deja-vu especially when I smell certain smells. I get these deja-vus especially on the wide open plains. Its like a feeling of belonging and familiarity but for no reason apparent to me. Does anyone else get these feelings? Ive heard of this special root called 'Ibogaine' what the witch doctors and shamens use in S.America and Africa. When you take it, its supposed to clean 'purge' your body of all bad toxins and then bring on strong hallucinations. They reckon the trip is so strong that it opens up your sub-concious of all the bad things youve tried to hide. In the same way the drug purges your body it is also said to clean the mind. Its strong enough to cause death in some cases. Theyve been using this drug to detox Heroin addicts and if you survive its supposed to be really effective or just so scary that you never want to go through with it again. Ive seen this guy on tv try it and he s*** himself, literally. There was this camp in Peru that does these Ibogaine detox's and I wrote to it a few months ago but didnt get a reply. I'd definatly try it.
Is there anyone else heard of it?
well, just thought i'd say hi to everyone and i'll come back and check again later.
hope your all alright. well done sandy for being 16 days clean now,
please dont tell me that ive upset you h-girl,
and T, well Thanks for just being U, sunshine
Ooooooo-Weeeee Peace and love man,
from Pauly xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
oops sorry Gabs I remembered you just as I logged out. Hiya Gabrielle, you angel you! hope your alright mate and havin an exciting day.
hurry up everyone,
luv P xxxxxxxxxx
hurry up everyone,
luv P xxxxxxxxxx
Ruski-Paul,
Hello darling. Sorry for the delay in response. Life is getting crazy and a little too consuming. Time for me to step out of it for a minute and let my head stop spinning. I wish that your trip to NY had been more like mine. What was so great? I'm not sure where to begin.... New York is magical. The energy in the air that I felt just walking down the street. It was infectious. Pure energy. As though everyone around me was excited about the same thing and the excitement and anticipation just grew and grew. With no release for this energy and it justs builds....like an orgasm;) (blush) I just loved all the different people, all the bodies brushing up against me on the street, everyone was so accepting of one another, not afraid at all, you know what I mean? Before I left on the trip, I said to myself, " While I'm in NY I want three things: I want to see something that the tourists never see, I want to eat one of those 'famous' NY hot dogs with everything on it, and I want to see those boys who breakdance in the street". Well, I got them all and each one by accident. Also, two very cool things happened. One night outside our hotel downtown, we (Mom, step-dad, 2 step-sisters) were standing on the corner trying to get a cab, as we were late going to see one of the shows. There were maybe 15 people waiting to cross the street. It happened that there was a vent on the sidewalk, you know, for the subways? And we're all standing on it. I was wearing a black skirt and strappy little shoes (the only time I dressed up) and cold air, very cold kept blowing up under my skirt. Not blowing it up but making me very cold. I kept noticing these cute guys standing there, and we all spoke politely and they finally walked away. Out of the corner of my eye, I could still see them standing a few feet away, and saw one approaching us. We were laughing and kidding around, I was holding my skirt down just in case a train passed when one of the guys came up to me and said (in a distict South American accent) "Excuse me, Miss? I am sorry to disturb you, but I must tell you that you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Now WHOA! How could I not love NY? Then he seemed embarrassed and started to walk away backwards. I asked his name (Benito, from Chile, a soccer player-or football, as you'd call it!) and the cab arrived as we were talking. He asked for my # but I could only remember the room #. When we got back to hotel it was early the next morning. He had left a message that they were leaving that night and if I would like to go to dinner, call him. I never did, though. Not sure why. Maybe It was just too perfect, that moment with a complete stranger, on 49th and 8th. See, Paul, only in NY could that happen. The last good pick-up line I heard in my town was, "Howdy, lil' darlin', do you know you're cuter than a speckled pup?" I'm being serious, so quit laughing! The other New York moment I'll have to tell you later. It was truly an epiphany, something that really changed me. The whole trip I never slept. I told my sister that I would be d*mned if I missed a minute of it. And I watched the sun come up between the "tall buildings" of Manhattan every morning. The last night there, I went out drinking with my sis. I met this wonderful man from Barbados(sp) and his boyfriend, who was Italian. When that place closed he invited us to go to his friend's bar where we could drink and carry on as long as we wanted. They took us to this Irish pub. I thought, very cool, how these people embrace each other's differences and get along splendidly. That has never been the case where I'm from. And I guess I always felt different. I think differently, dress differently, and my beliefs are different as well. *WARNING #1* My dad tells me to get off the computer, I need to finish cleaning.
But that probably clears up the mystery. So, tell me about you. I'm glad that you enjoy meeting people on this site, so do I. And I loved reading your story. It would be rad if everyone posted so openly, even told an experience they had such as yours. Then we could make a composite of all our strangest stories. But what would we call it?
This could help you with your profiles:
http://www.astrology-online.com/gemini.htm
Ooops! Just got warning #2. I usually always wait until the 3rd.
That is my favorite astrology site. It seems to be dead-on-balls-accurate (sorry, me and my friends have this thing about quoting movies, that was My Cousin Vinny.) But if you read about my sign, you'll know all. And then I wouldn't be so intriguing. Guess I'll risk it.
I hope you are well. How are you doing? Really, how are you doing? You're probably sleeping now, since you are about 5 hours ahead of me. Maybe not.
I should probably give in and let Dad have the computer for a bit.
On behalf of all Latino men south of the equator,
Audios!
h-girl
Hello darling. Sorry for the delay in response. Life is getting crazy and a little too consuming. Time for me to step out of it for a minute and let my head stop spinning. I wish that your trip to NY had been more like mine. What was so great? I'm not sure where to begin.... New York is magical. The energy in the air that I felt just walking down the street. It was infectious. Pure energy. As though everyone around me was excited about the same thing and the excitement and anticipation just grew and grew. With no release for this energy and it justs builds....like an orgasm;) (blush) I just loved all the different people, all the bodies brushing up against me on the street, everyone was so accepting of one another, not afraid at all, you know what I mean? Before I left on the trip, I said to myself, " While I'm in NY I want three things: I want to see something that the tourists never see, I want to eat one of those 'famous' NY hot dogs with everything on it, and I want to see those boys who breakdance in the street". Well, I got them all and each one by accident. Also, two very cool things happened. One night outside our hotel downtown, we (Mom, step-dad, 2 step-sisters) were standing on the corner trying to get a cab, as we were late going to see one of the shows. There were maybe 15 people waiting to cross the street. It happened that there was a vent on the sidewalk, you know, for the subways? And we're all standing on it. I was wearing a black skirt and strappy little shoes (the only time I dressed up) and cold air, very cold kept blowing up under my skirt. Not blowing it up but making me very cold. I kept noticing these cute guys standing there, and we all spoke politely and they finally walked away. Out of the corner of my eye, I could still see them standing a few feet away, and saw one approaching us. We were laughing and kidding around, I was holding my skirt down just in case a train passed when one of the guys came up to me and said (in a distict South American accent) "Excuse me, Miss? I am sorry to disturb you, but I must tell you that you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Now WHOA! How could I not love NY? Then he seemed embarrassed and started to walk away backwards. I asked his name (Benito, from Chile, a soccer player-or football, as you'd call it!) and the cab arrived as we were talking. He asked for my # but I could only remember the room #. When we got back to hotel it was early the next morning. He had left a message that they were leaving that night and if I would like to go to dinner, call him. I never did, though. Not sure why. Maybe It was just too perfect, that moment with a complete stranger, on 49th and 8th. See, Paul, only in NY could that happen. The last good pick-up line I heard in my town was, "Howdy, lil' darlin', do you know you're cuter than a speckled pup?" I'm being serious, so quit laughing! The other New York moment I'll have to tell you later. It was truly an epiphany, something that really changed me. The whole trip I never slept. I told my sister that I would be d*mned if I missed a minute of it. And I watched the sun come up between the "tall buildings" of Manhattan every morning. The last night there, I went out drinking with my sis. I met this wonderful man from Barbados(sp) and his boyfriend, who was Italian. When that place closed he invited us to go to his friend's bar where we could drink and carry on as long as we wanted. They took us to this Irish pub. I thought, very cool, how these people embrace each other's differences and get along splendidly. That has never been the case where I'm from. And I guess I always felt different. I think differently, dress differently, and my beliefs are different as well. *WARNING #1* My dad tells me to get off the computer, I need to finish cleaning.
But that probably clears up the mystery. So, tell me about you. I'm glad that you enjoy meeting people on this site, so do I. And I loved reading your story. It would be rad if everyone posted so openly, even told an experience they had such as yours. Then we could make a composite of all our strangest stories. But what would we call it?
This could help you with your profiles:
http://www.astrology-online.com/gemini.htm
Ooops! Just got warning #2. I usually always wait until the 3rd.
That is my favorite astrology site. It seems to be dead-on-balls-accurate (sorry, me and my friends have this thing about quoting movies, that was My Cousin Vinny.) But if you read about my sign, you'll know all. And then I wouldn't be so intriguing. Guess I'll risk it.
I hope you are well. How are you doing? Really, how are you doing? You're probably sleeping now, since you are about 5 hours ahead of me. Maybe not.
I should probably give in and let Dad have the computer for a bit.
On behalf of all Latino men south of the equator,
Audios!
h-girl
Hey Ladies,
How are the loveliest addicts on the net? I hope that everyone is in good spirits today. It's been an alright day for me. And that's kinda unusual as of lately. I just wanted to say hi to my sisters (Teena, that's what girlfriends say around here). I pray that everybody is warm and dry and full and clean. And it would even be nice if we all had someone to snuggle with tonight. (even if it's a german shepherd or a calico). How is everyone? (esp. Teena, Sandy, Gabbi, Molly, and Nat the new chick-welcome!)
Talk Later,
h-girl
How are the loveliest addicts on the net? I hope that everyone is in good spirits today. It's been an alright day for me. And that's kinda unusual as of lately. I just wanted to say hi to my sisters (Teena, that's what girlfriends say around here). I pray that everybody is warm and dry and full and clean. And it would even be nice if we all had someone to snuggle with tonight. (even if it's a german shepherd or a calico). How is everyone? (esp. Teena, Sandy, Gabbi, Molly, and Nat the new chick-welcome!)
Talk Later,
h-girl
Howdy-Douddy Everyone:
Have no fear Teena's here,loll,loll.I'm sorry but I get in these crazy out of this world kind of moods and I'm in one now.I haven't abandond you's guy's it's just that the weekend is the only time I can realy spend with my precious angel's and I take all the time I can get cause soon I'll wake up one morning and they'll be mature grown up's and then it will be to late so I do try and take as much time as I can with them.My son will be 2 yrs old on the 21st of june and it feel's like only yesterday that I held him in my arms after he was born,I wanted more kid's but god had other idea's for me that's a story I don't want to get into cause it hurt's me to much not to be able to have more babies with that someone special when the day comes and we find eachother,but hey I keep my head up high cause there is alway's addoption ,I just love kid's never thought I'd be any good at mother-hood but I seem to amaze myself all the time.
Sandy WOOO-WOOO-WOOO what is the score now 17 day's or more keep it up girl very good,you see you can do anything that you put your mind to.
How is everything with you me I haven't been this happy in a long time,I wake up singing and go to sleep and have good dreams.But with my luck I'll probably have bad luck somewhere along the way I alway's do so I know I won't be that surprised when it happens,my guard is up even when I look and feel this happy.
How are the withdrawls and the mind how is that I hope you bit this one in the a** as it had bitten you,loll,loll.
Gabbi baby how are you my sweetie are you ok?We realy don't hear much from you I would realy like to get to know you a little bit better if you don't mind?
H-Girl how are you keeping up sweet pea are you doing fine and all?I remember Paul saying to you that you can't call yourself h-girl for much longer have you chosen another name yet?,if so can we be the one's to get to hear it first,please pretty please ,loll,loll.
Paul dear how are you doing and all?Hope your week-end was well and full of love and happiness.I'll also be going to that horescope site that h-girl put up cause I love horescopes,chinese one's more but I'll be going to see what it say's about us the Gemini's and all,you know what I mean don't you,loll,loll,loll.
I'll let all of you special people for now but I'll be back the girl's go to school tomorrow so I can't sleep in,so I'll be up and adams at 6:30am ready to go through my day like a tasmanian devil.
Don't forget I love you's all and I'm here if anyone of you's need's me,I mean it,for the people that are here I send you all my love,Good-night my friend's sweet dreams.Have a nice day tomorrow,Luv ya's Teena
Have no fear Teena's here,loll,loll.I'm sorry but I get in these crazy out of this world kind of moods and I'm in one now.I haven't abandond you's guy's it's just that the weekend is the only time I can realy spend with my precious angel's and I take all the time I can get cause soon I'll wake up one morning and they'll be mature grown up's and then it will be to late so I do try and take as much time as I can with them.My son will be 2 yrs old on the 21st of june and it feel's like only yesterday that I held him in my arms after he was born,I wanted more kid's but god had other idea's for me that's a story I don't want to get into cause it hurt's me to much not to be able to have more babies with that someone special when the day comes and we find eachother,but hey I keep my head up high cause there is alway's addoption ,I just love kid's never thought I'd be any good at mother-hood but I seem to amaze myself all the time.
Sandy WOOO-WOOO-WOOO what is the score now 17 day's or more keep it up girl very good,you see you can do anything that you put your mind to.
How is everything with you me I haven't been this happy in a long time,I wake up singing and go to sleep and have good dreams.But with my luck I'll probably have bad luck somewhere along the way I alway's do so I know I won't be that surprised when it happens,my guard is up even when I look and feel this happy.
How are the withdrawls and the mind how is that I hope you bit this one in the a** as it had bitten you,loll,loll.
Gabbi baby how are you my sweetie are you ok?We realy don't hear much from you I would realy like to get to know you a little bit better if you don't mind?
H-Girl how are you keeping up sweet pea are you doing fine and all?I remember Paul saying to you that you can't call yourself h-girl for much longer have you chosen another name yet?,if so can we be the one's to get to hear it first,please pretty please ,loll,loll.
Paul dear how are you doing and all?Hope your week-end was well and full of love and happiness.I'll also be going to that horescope site that h-girl put up cause I love horescopes,chinese one's more but I'll be going to see what it say's about us the Gemini's and all,you know what I mean don't you,loll,loll,loll.
I'll let all of you special people for now but I'll be back the girl's go to school tomorrow so I can't sleep in,so I'll be up and adams at 6:30am ready to go through my day like a tasmanian devil.
Don't forget I love you's all and I'm here if anyone of you's need's me,I mean it,for the people that are here I send you all my love,Good-night my friend's sweet dreams.Have a nice day tomorrow,Luv ya's Teena
Hiya girlfriends ( its not ok for guys to say that im sure?, im english how should i know)
Theres so many things I want to say but im on this computer in the library again and they only give you an hour and its still early and i feel a bit slow today. I'll go in a minute but I just want to say that if it wasnt for you guys i'd probably be stinking in bed or grumbling about Manchester life. Since I met you all ive really been a lot happier like you said Teen. Im sat here now with this stupid dumb a** grin on my face and giggling like a girl.
Does anyone know that song 'Rockin Robin' by the Jackson 5? its a good mood song and the best time to listen to it is whilst your making the breakfast. I cant get it out of my head and im sure by the end of the day it will have pissed me off forever.
No but really, Im feeling just fine today and its all because of you guys......
A LUV YA'ALLL you excellent people :) :) :) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
from Ruski-Pauly xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Theres so many things I want to say but im on this computer in the library again and they only give you an hour and its still early and i feel a bit slow today. I'll go in a minute but I just want to say that if it wasnt for you guys i'd probably be stinking in bed or grumbling about Manchester life. Since I met you all ive really been a lot happier like you said Teen. Im sat here now with this stupid dumb a** grin on my face and giggling like a girl.
Does anyone know that song 'Rockin Robin' by the Jackson 5? its a good mood song and the best time to listen to it is whilst your making the breakfast. I cant get it out of my head and im sure by the end of the day it will have pissed me off forever.
No but really, Im feeling just fine today and its all because of you guys......
A LUV YA'ALLL you excellent people :) :) :) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
from Ruski-Pauly xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi Paul,
Hope your okay? Just thought i'd drop in and say 'Hi' to everyone, i've been having some puter probs and have lost nearly every post ive written so i'm makin this short cos i'll cry if i loose another long post, so finger crossed this'll post here goes.........
Hey everyone, hope your all well?
Love yas
Gabbi
Hope your okay? Just thought i'd drop in and say 'Hi' to everyone, i've been having some puter probs and have lost nearly every post ive written so i'm makin this short cos i'll cry if i loose another long post, so finger crossed this'll post here goes.........
Hey everyone, hope your all well?
Love yas
Gabbi
Hey sweetie:
Missed you there for a while,hope we have you back pretty soon hon cause I for one have missed you.What exactly is wrong with your puture,Pauly is good with computures,should give him a shout.
I'm very glad that you'r doing ok and as for me I'm ok I guess this is the month,24th of Feb. to be exact that I lost the only person who loved me no matter what,she was the air I breathed,the sun in the sky,she was my mom and I miss her so damn much that I can't take it and every year in feb.I get this big deppression I have to go through every time,hopefully I get through this one since I have you guy's here.Wish me luck but I know it is comeing I can feel it,so if you lose me there for a while I'll be back for sure it's just that when I go through a deppression I like to be alone and I don't want to do anything only what I have to,so don't worry y'all I'll be reading your post's just not answering so hope this year is diffrent.
Can you belive it that mom has been gone since 1993 and I still can't bring myself to listen to this cassette I have where we are joking around and she is cracking jokes with me and my friend Vicky,how pathetic of me,I'm no baby,I'm stronger than that,I should be able to do this,but I can't,don't know when but oh well we are all diffrent when it comes to grieving right?
You are such a sweetheart and everyone else on here that I'v gotten to love very much and you know who you are gal's and guy,so I'll be letting you go for now my son want's me to put the Teletubbies dvd so I better go,luv ya's all and keep the faith stay possitive and keeep doing what your doing to stay clean.
See you Gabbi and everyone else later on today,I feel like lying down a bit didn't sleep good last couple of night's.
With lot's of love Teena
P.S This is a site I have in my favorites and I go to it alot so I can never forget where I came from or where I could have ended up or end up if ever I decide I want to do one last one,it's a very good site please everyone take the time to go visit it.
The adress is: http://www.ourwall.net/addname.htm
Got to go he's pulling on my boxer's see ya's...........Tee
Missed you there for a while,hope we have you back pretty soon hon cause I for one have missed you.What exactly is wrong with your puture,Pauly is good with computures,should give him a shout.
I'm very glad that you'r doing ok and as for me I'm ok I guess this is the month,24th of Feb. to be exact that I lost the only person who loved me no matter what,she was the air I breathed,the sun in the sky,she was my mom and I miss her so damn much that I can't take it and every year in feb.I get this big deppression I have to go through every time,hopefully I get through this one since I have you guy's here.Wish me luck but I know it is comeing I can feel it,so if you lose me there for a while I'll be back for sure it's just that when I go through a deppression I like to be alone and I don't want to do anything only what I have to,so don't worry y'all I'll be reading your post's just not answering so hope this year is diffrent.
Can you belive it that mom has been gone since 1993 and I still can't bring myself to listen to this cassette I have where we are joking around and she is cracking jokes with me and my friend Vicky,how pathetic of me,I'm no baby,I'm stronger than that,I should be able to do this,but I can't,don't know when but oh well we are all diffrent when it comes to grieving right?
You are such a sweetheart and everyone else on here that I'v gotten to love very much and you know who you are gal's and guy,so I'll be letting you go for now my son want's me to put the Teletubbies dvd so I better go,luv ya's all and keep the faith stay possitive and keeep doing what your doing to stay clean.
See you Gabbi and everyone else later on today,I feel like lying down a bit didn't sleep good last couple of night's.
With lot's of love Teena
P.S This is a site I have in my favorites and I go to it alot so I can never forget where I came from or where I could have ended up or end up if ever I decide I want to do one last one,it's a very good site please everyone take the time to go visit it.
The adress is: http://www.ourwall.net/addname.htm
Got to go he's pulling on my boxer's see ya's...........Tee
My dear Pauly:
If you come on today don't think that I forgot you cause I haven't just been not sleeping well,I'll be writing you an e-mail later on ok hon.
Hope you are doing good sweetie?
Love alway's Tee
If you come on today don't think that I forgot you cause I haven't just been not sleeping well,I'll be writing you an e-mail later on ok hon.
Hope you are doing good sweetie?
Love alway's Tee
Hiya ladies,
When I read your posts it takes me a while to think of a reply for you so if it seems like im a bit behind, thats why. h-g, whats a speckled pup? is it like a baby sea-lion? you must come from out in the sticks somewhere, right? getting all excited because you can feel people brushing up against you, indeed! i'll have to watch out for people like you next time I go in town!, & getting cheap thrills by standing on the subway blower! im not surprised benito the footballer came over to talk with you. Anyway, good for you girl, im really glad you had a brilliant time there. I want to go again, but either alone or with crazy people.
Just out of interest, did you see the thing that tourists never see? and those breakdancing kids?
Youve really got me interested about the place where your from. It sounds awful to me. ok, these are the clues. you live with your real mum and step dad and 2 sisters, cousin called vinny. you have to do the cleaning for everyone. you think and act differently.. And the pubs are unfriendly. Do you come from Afghanistan?, Venus?
The more I say pleeese, pleeese tell us your name and where your from the more your not going to, right? its like the sun and wind story were they have a competetion to get this man to take off his coat and the wind blows like mad and then the sun just comes out and shines and eventually the guy gets hot and takes his coat off. So if we all just be quiet and eventually you'll spill the beans.
Like you all I really look forwards to coming on this site and ive found that although my social life is ok, this place exercises the part of my brain that wouldnt normally get used. Also, I know its a bit selfish but this is our little world and we made it......not think its cool?
dead-on-balls-accurate.....................what film is that?
I like this movie quote.
shop attendant-'hey man, im doin my best'
Seth Gecko-'well, your best better start getting a hell of a lot better or your goin to be feeling a hell of a lot worse!"
isnt George Clooney in Dusk till dawn, the coolest or what?
Ive still no idea who or what you are and were your from.
Best go because its doing my head in, in this library. Theres a Pakistani kid playing bangra music at full blast, next to me and about 10 school kids screaming at the top of their voices.
whats happenned to your computer GAbs? I might be able to help you. It doesnt just keep going off does it? mine used to do that, you feel like smashing the keyboard over someones head, dont you?
Sorry T this things run out of time already, so i'll go to my dads now and carry on from there, ok sweet?
Hope to hear from you all soon,
all my luv,
Ruski xxx
When I read your posts it takes me a while to think of a reply for you so if it seems like im a bit behind, thats why. h-g, whats a speckled pup? is it like a baby sea-lion? you must come from out in the sticks somewhere, right? getting all excited because you can feel people brushing up against you, indeed! i'll have to watch out for people like you next time I go in town!, & getting cheap thrills by standing on the subway blower! im not surprised benito the footballer came over to talk with you. Anyway, good for you girl, im really glad you had a brilliant time there. I want to go again, but either alone or with crazy people.
Just out of interest, did you see the thing that tourists never see? and those breakdancing kids?
Youve really got me interested about the place where your from. It sounds awful to me. ok, these are the clues. you live with your real mum and step dad and 2 sisters, cousin called vinny. you have to do the cleaning for everyone. you think and act differently.. And the pubs are unfriendly. Do you come from Afghanistan?, Venus?
The more I say pleeese, pleeese tell us your name and where your from the more your not going to, right? its like the sun and wind story were they have a competetion to get this man to take off his coat and the wind blows like mad and then the sun just comes out and shines and eventually the guy gets hot and takes his coat off. So if we all just be quiet and eventually you'll spill the beans.
Like you all I really look forwards to coming on this site and ive found that although my social life is ok, this place exercises the part of my brain that wouldnt normally get used. Also, I know its a bit selfish but this is our little world and we made it......not think its cool?
dead-on-balls-accurate.....................what film is that?
I like this movie quote.
shop attendant-'hey man, im doin my best'
Seth Gecko-'well, your best better start getting a hell of a lot better or your goin to be feeling a hell of a lot worse!"
isnt George Clooney in Dusk till dawn, the coolest or what?
Ive still no idea who or what you are and were your from.
Best go because its doing my head in, in this library. Theres a Pakistani kid playing bangra music at full blast, next to me and about 10 school kids screaming at the top of their voices.
whats happenned to your computer GAbs? I might be able to help you. It doesnt just keep going off does it? mine used to do that, you feel like smashing the keyboard over someones head, dont you?
Sorry T this things run out of time already, so i'll go to my dads now and carry on from there, ok sweet?
Hope to hear from you all soon,
all my luv,
Ruski xxx
Ruski-Paul,
Hola, amigo. How're you doing? You are really sounding great. Very up-beat and dare I say it?!......happy. Good, you deserve it. I do come from the sticks. A very small town in the Blue Ridge Mountains (eastern U.S.). The town I grew up in just got their first stop-light about 2 years ago. But I've not lived there for over 10 yrs. The southern U.S. is actually a very friendly place, hence the "speckled pup" comment. By the way, he was talking about puppy dogs. Spotted puppies. Does that make it funnier?
Dead-on-balls accurate is from the movie "My Cousin Vinny". Marissa Tomei and Joe Pesci? See it if you get the chance it's funny. My best friend since 7th grade, he's a dark little f**k and we started quoting movies a long time ago. Our favs are Pulp Fiction (of course), American Psycho (you MUST see this one!!!!!) Fight Club, and Trainspotting. In American Psycho, a young successful wallstreet investor has been hiding the fact that he's a serial killer. He even straight-out tells his friends but they don't believe him. He really starts to lose it and would all of a sudden jump up out of his seat and run out the door. Whenever someone would say "Where are you going?" he'd respond, "Uh.....I have to return some video tapes." (That will make more sense if you see it) But anyway, I find that line useful on a daily basis: Teacher says "Why are you late?" I say "I had to return some video tapes". Random guy says "Want to come over to my place?" I say " Sorry, got to return some video tapes". See there? USEFUL!!!
Guess I'm a little uptight this morning. My meth dose is so low. I feel like I have electricity surging through me. I hate that feeling. And the muscle spasms, it must look as though I have Tourette's. (that was not a wise-a** comment, but a serious truth. so no offense to anyone, ok?)
Let's see....something in NY that the tourists don't see. I ran out my meth at the begining of the trip. My addict thinking told me that I may never be in NY again and how could I pass up the chance to try NY heroin. That was stupid, I see now. But the next thing I knew I was on the train to Harlem. By myself. This section of Harlem was particularly rough. I stuck out like a sore thumb. There were no cars parked anywhere, no cabs, and definitely no cops. Not even any women on the street and this was during the day. Only groups of men (who all looked very shady) standing on 'their' corners. I suppose anything could have happened. But I got in and got out. With the help of a neighborhood crack-head who put me on the correct train back. After being a needle junkie for so long, I think maybe I became numb to any type of dangerous situations around me. I lost my adrenaline years ago, ya know? But walking through that neighborhood, well, I felt the prickle of fear that comes from being completely vulnerable. I could feel it down my neck. I am from the country and when we have 'dangerous situations' they are most likely some country boys flipped out on crystal holding pistols on each other and occasionally, you might get stuck in the middle. That sh*t wouldn't phase me so much. But I've only lived in small cities, (Knoxville, Charlotte, Pittsburg) so I totally got a kick out of a metropolis like NYC. It's for me. To walk down the street and be absolutely anonymous. In small towns there seems to always be a lot of whispering going on.
I don't live with my mom. I moved last summer to a new town after a 30 day treatment program. For the first time since he left, I'm staying at my dad's. I am actually an only child and last April, my mom remarried. So I finally got two younger sisters. (12yrs and 16yrs). The 16 yr old is a handfull. She reminds me so much of myself at that age. She's rebellious and hard-headed. I wish I were down there to look out for her. Anyway, I don't get along w/ dad. He believes that he can force me (even physically, if neccessary) to not do dope. I have tried to leave a couple of times, to no avail. So now I must make the best of it, I guess.
Oh, and after re-reading my last post talking about the guy on the street? Well, I didn't mean to sound as though I believed what he told me. I do not think I'm beautiful. In fact, as addicts do, I feel very down on myself. I was so shocked to be approached by a hotguy, in front of my family and everyone else on the crosswalk. I almost busted out laughing. I'm sure my facial expression said it all. Down in the southern U.S., most people say that "yankees" are rude and snobby and unfriendly. New Yorkers esp. That is so untrue! But they did all comment on my accent. They all wanted their friends to hear me talk. But they were not condescending or mocking in any way. I bet you with your English accent and me with mine, we'd never understand each other. I have to really lean in and listen when one of my psych. instructors lectures-and she's from Minnesota(US)!!!
Oh man, look at the time. I gotta go to work. My fabulous job selling lingerie. I was embarrassed of it, but people find it interesting, so be it. It's not who I am though, and I must either conform to how the others who work there are, or be me and be the odd one. What do you think? Ever had one of those jobs, a suit-job? I can't really say I have. Better run before they fire me for being late.
Hey, post back soon ok? I look forward to reading them. Tell me some more about yourself. Such as, what's a typical day for you? Likes, dislikes. That kind of stuff.
Have a nice day!-----h-girl
p.s. by the way, I meant nothing sexual about the subway vent, and you know it! :) Later then!
Hola, amigo. How're you doing? You are really sounding great. Very up-beat and dare I say it?!......happy. Good, you deserve it. I do come from the sticks. A very small town in the Blue Ridge Mountains (eastern U.S.). The town I grew up in just got their first stop-light about 2 years ago. But I've not lived there for over 10 yrs. The southern U.S. is actually a very friendly place, hence the "speckled pup" comment. By the way, he was talking about puppy dogs. Spotted puppies. Does that make it funnier?
Dead-on-balls accurate is from the movie "My Cousin Vinny". Marissa Tomei and Joe Pesci? See it if you get the chance it's funny. My best friend since 7th grade, he's a dark little f**k and we started quoting movies a long time ago. Our favs are Pulp Fiction (of course), American Psycho (you MUST see this one!!!!!) Fight Club, and Trainspotting. In American Psycho, a young successful wallstreet investor has been hiding the fact that he's a serial killer. He even straight-out tells his friends but they don't believe him. He really starts to lose it and would all of a sudden jump up out of his seat and run out the door. Whenever someone would say "Where are you going?" he'd respond, "Uh.....I have to return some video tapes." (That will make more sense if you see it) But anyway, I find that line useful on a daily basis: Teacher says "Why are you late?" I say "I had to return some video tapes". Random guy says "Want to come over to my place?" I say " Sorry, got to return some video tapes". See there? USEFUL!!!
Guess I'm a little uptight this morning. My meth dose is so low. I feel like I have electricity surging through me. I hate that feeling. And the muscle spasms, it must look as though I have Tourette's. (that was not a wise-a** comment, but a serious truth. so no offense to anyone, ok?)
Let's see....something in NY that the tourists don't see. I ran out my meth at the begining of the trip. My addict thinking told me that I may never be in NY again and how could I pass up the chance to try NY heroin. That was stupid, I see now. But the next thing I knew I was on the train to Harlem. By myself. This section of Harlem was particularly rough. I stuck out like a sore thumb. There were no cars parked anywhere, no cabs, and definitely no cops. Not even any women on the street and this was during the day. Only groups of men (who all looked very shady) standing on 'their' corners. I suppose anything could have happened. But I got in and got out. With the help of a neighborhood crack-head who put me on the correct train back. After being a needle junkie for so long, I think maybe I became numb to any type of dangerous situations around me. I lost my adrenaline years ago, ya know? But walking through that neighborhood, well, I felt the prickle of fear that comes from being completely vulnerable. I could feel it down my neck. I am from the country and when we have 'dangerous situations' they are most likely some country boys flipped out on crystal holding pistols on each other and occasionally, you might get stuck in the middle. That sh*t wouldn't phase me so much. But I've only lived in small cities, (Knoxville, Charlotte, Pittsburg) so I totally got a kick out of a metropolis like NYC. It's for me. To walk down the street and be absolutely anonymous. In small towns there seems to always be a lot of whispering going on.
I don't live with my mom. I moved last summer to a new town after a 30 day treatment program. For the first time since he left, I'm staying at my dad's. I am actually an only child and last April, my mom remarried. So I finally got two younger sisters. (12yrs and 16yrs). The 16 yr old is a handfull. She reminds me so much of myself at that age. She's rebellious and hard-headed. I wish I were down there to look out for her. Anyway, I don't get along w/ dad. He believes that he can force me (even physically, if neccessary) to not do dope. I have tried to leave a couple of times, to no avail. So now I must make the best of it, I guess.
Oh, and after re-reading my last post talking about the guy on the street? Well, I didn't mean to sound as though I believed what he told me. I do not think I'm beautiful. In fact, as addicts do, I feel very down on myself. I was so shocked to be approached by a hotguy, in front of my family and everyone else on the crosswalk. I almost busted out laughing. I'm sure my facial expression said it all. Down in the southern U.S., most people say that "yankees" are rude and snobby and unfriendly. New Yorkers esp. That is so untrue! But they did all comment on my accent. They all wanted their friends to hear me talk. But they were not condescending or mocking in any way. I bet you with your English accent and me with mine, we'd never understand each other. I have to really lean in and listen when one of my psych. instructors lectures-and she's from Minnesota(US)!!!
Oh man, look at the time. I gotta go to work. My fabulous job selling lingerie. I was embarrassed of it, but people find it interesting, so be it. It's not who I am though, and I must either conform to how the others who work there are, or be me and be the odd one. What do you think? Ever had one of those jobs, a suit-job? I can't really say I have. Better run before they fire me for being late.
Hey, post back soon ok? I look forward to reading them. Tell me some more about yourself. Such as, what's a typical day for you? Likes, dislikes. That kind of stuff.
Have a nice day!-----h-girl
p.s. by the way, I meant nothing sexual about the subway vent, and you know it! :) Later then!
Hello there everyone:
How is everyone doing,hope all of you are doing ok.
H-Girl sweetie,I'v seen that "my cousin vinny" movie it is funny.
Being a worker in a lingeire shop is a job and any job is better than no job,right?
How come you don't write and tell us your name what's wrong sweetie,were all adult's here?
Pauly baby how are you this morning?
Surprised that you haven't been on this morning,hope your ok?
Heroin-girl say's that you sound very happy,wow people can tell all that by the post's that's great though?Tell us sweetie why are you so happy about,loll,just teasing,you know I'm teasing don't you?
Sandy baby where are you?
Haven't heard from you in a while,hope all is well?
I'm worried at least say hello sweetie.
Gabbi sweetheart,are you ok?
hope to hear from you soon?
Loves you all your friend Teena
How is everyone doing,hope all of you are doing ok.
H-Girl sweetie,I'v seen that "my cousin vinny" movie it is funny.
Being a worker in a lingeire shop is a job and any job is better than no job,right?
How come you don't write and tell us your name what's wrong sweetie,were all adult's here?
Pauly baby how are you this morning?
Surprised that you haven't been on this morning,hope your ok?
Heroin-girl say's that you sound very happy,wow people can tell all that by the post's that's great though?Tell us sweetie why are you so happy about,loll,just teasing,you know I'm teasing don't you?
Sandy baby where are you?
Haven't heard from you in a while,hope all is well?
I'm worried at least say hello sweetie.
Gabbi sweetheart,are you ok?
hope to hear from you soon?
Loves you all your friend Teena
Hiya Teen,h-girl,Sandy(had a date with a hot guy last night!hope she doesnt mind me telling you all!, no wonder shes not here)Gabbi & anyone ive forgot.
Its mad how this place has become a major part of my life, im thinking about it all the time almost. I need to say that when I reply to the posts and e-mails, that theres no preference to who I reply to first. Its just that I need to think deeply about some of the things people tell me. I hope you understand this because it'd be no good to reply to peoples important life issues just off the top of my head. Saying s*** on the spare of the moment without thinking is one of my biggest problems and its got me in trouble a million times. Im trying to become more reserved nowadays, like the person I imagine myself to be.
The Blue ridge mountains of virgnia right? I think I have an idea of this place because a few years ago I drove from Canada down to Florida and stopped near there. I can remember getting lost in some forest and then being chased around by some of those big trucks with spotlights for catching rabbits.
Ive seen my cousin vinny with the kid from Karate kid in it. They put those old films on late at night here because theyre so popular with English people(NOT). I really like those other films you mentioned especially the all time classic 'Trainspotting'. Its wierd that I read the book in about 1985, long before ever using (jazz!). It appealed to me even back then. And the bit in pulp fiction 'bring out the gimp!'.I only just saw that American Physco last week, yeh it was cool but I need to see it again. I like the kind of films that have a twist in the ending like 'The butterfly effect'. I sometimes like those action films like you Teena. Have you seen 'Blade 2'? oh, my heads scrambled, theres so many excellent films and I cant think of any right now. Theres this one german film about these 2 guys who go around killing holiday makers. Ive only seen it once and usually i dont take films so seriously but this was well real. I can think of the name right now but i'll tell you when I do.
I know what your saying about not having a strong opinion about ourselves but that will go away once you stop using. Everytime ive stopped I felt reborn and all my 'old' traits come back twice as strong. Dont worry about the adrenaline thing it doesnt totally go away, Ive found that it just takes a lot more to wind me up. Ive always been a patient and relaxed person so it usually takes a lot to upset me. People can go on and on and on at me without it having much of an obvious effect but its just like a long fuse and once thats gone I just see red.
Im usually quite a happy person and expect other people to treat me the way I treat them. However some people see this as a weekness(especially junkys) and ive had to let one or 2 people find out the hard way. But whatever the case I dont like fighting but its always at the back of my mind. Does anyone else feel like this? its like ive got my guard up all the time.
That 'take the videos back' excuse is a good one and has even saved my life once when I was a kid. I remember hanging outside the shop with some mates when a gang of older guys appeared and started giving us the stares. No one else I was with even noticed but my early warning system was going off. That familiar feeling when you know its going to kick off. Anyway as our gang walked off these guys were following about 100 meters back. As we were passing my house I decided to use the old 'set the video' excuse as I wasnt in the mood for getting my clothes ripped up that night. My mates carried on walking away and I was watching out the window as these other guys walked past talking about how many colurs of s*** they were going to kick out of our guys. Cuting a long story short, after I came out after setting the video!....all the guys I were with had been severely battered and the other guys gone. I know it wasnt a balsy thing to do on my behalf but unless I feel that the people I am with would put their life on the line for me, then I couldnt really care less about them.
My mother has Tourettes syndrome..............................................ha, just joking! I know how you must have felt writing that because theres been times when Ive wanted to write something dodgy but havent in case someones mum is one.
You know how you went to Harlem, thats exactly the sort of thing i'd have done. I tried it in Toronto once. You dont get if you dont ask. Did you get asked outside port authority bus station if you wanted coke or smoke?
It sounds a bit rough were you are right now, but in a way its the best place to be if you want to get clean. Lets face it, if you really wanted to escape you could, but you know they'd never have you back, right? It sounds like the place were the young superman lives or that guy who hawks and spits off' planes, trains and automoblies who has that growling little dog and a wife whos stronger than he is. I keep thinking that im so lucky to have laid back parents. Theyre firm but fair and we hardly ever argue. Theyre more like my mates and I love them to bits. Like you said Teena I will tell them I love them when the times right. I thought valentines day was just for lovers. Its not as big in the UK as it is over there.
Hey, h-g do you have one of those southern belle accents and eat key lime pie?
Theres certain people on here who i'd love to hear speak. that'd be excellent.
Dont worry I think a lot of us on here find it hard to take any compliments. Im the same, I need someone to shout certain things in my face before they believe them. Its like when you guys said you enjoyed my story, I needed to hear that, thanx. Ive just read an e-mail from Teena and what you just wrote h-g and your bothe easily as good if not better than me at writing. You both make me laugh.
Selling lingerie, like kinky underwear? are you good at that job? Yes, I used to have a job as a computer designer from 1988-1993. I started off going there in a suit and that gradually degraded to without a tie and then changed my shoes for runners. I just didnt like starting the day, putting my head in a noose!
After that experince I never want a tie job again. I was only a teenager and had to put up with 40/50 somethings telling me how much they wished theyd done something worthwhile with their life. It got to the stage were people actually were challenging me to leave and it went on and on. So one Monday morning I got on the bus for the airport instead of work. I flew off to Greece where I worked as a dancer for a while. I sent that old place a postcard omce i'd settled in. The only bit I remember about what I wrote is telling the boss'to suck my plumbs!'
I'll put these other things on a new post,
in a bit. xxx
Its mad how this place has become a major part of my life, im thinking about it all the time almost. I need to say that when I reply to the posts and e-mails, that theres no preference to who I reply to first. Its just that I need to think deeply about some of the things people tell me. I hope you understand this because it'd be no good to reply to peoples important life issues just off the top of my head. Saying s*** on the spare of the moment without thinking is one of my biggest problems and its got me in trouble a million times. Im trying to become more reserved nowadays, like the person I imagine myself to be.
The Blue ridge mountains of virgnia right? I think I have an idea of this place because a few years ago I drove from Canada down to Florida and stopped near there. I can remember getting lost in some forest and then being chased around by some of those big trucks with spotlights for catching rabbits.
Ive seen my cousin vinny with the kid from Karate kid in it. They put those old films on late at night here because theyre so popular with English people(NOT). I really like those other films you mentioned especially the all time classic 'Trainspotting'. Its wierd that I read the book in about 1985, long before ever using (jazz!). It appealed to me even back then. And the bit in pulp fiction 'bring out the gimp!'.I only just saw that American Physco last week, yeh it was cool but I need to see it again. I like the kind of films that have a twist in the ending like 'The butterfly effect'. I sometimes like those action films like you Teena. Have you seen 'Blade 2'? oh, my heads scrambled, theres so many excellent films and I cant think of any right now. Theres this one german film about these 2 guys who go around killing holiday makers. Ive only seen it once and usually i dont take films so seriously but this was well real. I can think of the name right now but i'll tell you when I do.
I know what your saying about not having a strong opinion about ourselves but that will go away once you stop using. Everytime ive stopped I felt reborn and all my 'old' traits come back twice as strong. Dont worry about the adrenaline thing it doesnt totally go away, Ive found that it just takes a lot more to wind me up. Ive always been a patient and relaxed person so it usually takes a lot to upset me. People can go on and on and on at me without it having much of an obvious effect but its just like a long fuse and once thats gone I just see red.
Im usually quite a happy person and expect other people to treat me the way I treat them. However some people see this as a weekness(especially junkys) and ive had to let one or 2 people find out the hard way. But whatever the case I dont like fighting but its always at the back of my mind. Does anyone else feel like this? its like ive got my guard up all the time.
That 'take the videos back' excuse is a good one and has even saved my life once when I was a kid. I remember hanging outside the shop with some mates when a gang of older guys appeared and started giving us the stares. No one else I was with even noticed but my early warning system was going off. That familiar feeling when you know its going to kick off. Anyway as our gang walked off these guys were following about 100 meters back. As we were passing my house I decided to use the old 'set the video' excuse as I wasnt in the mood for getting my clothes ripped up that night. My mates carried on walking away and I was watching out the window as these other guys walked past talking about how many colurs of s*** they were going to kick out of our guys. Cuting a long story short, after I came out after setting the video!....all the guys I were with had been severely battered and the other guys gone. I know it wasnt a balsy thing to do on my behalf but unless I feel that the people I am with would put their life on the line for me, then I couldnt really care less about them.
My mother has Tourettes syndrome..............................................ha, just joking! I know how you must have felt writing that because theres been times when Ive wanted to write something dodgy but havent in case someones mum is one.
You know how you went to Harlem, thats exactly the sort of thing i'd have done. I tried it in Toronto once. You dont get if you dont ask. Did you get asked outside port authority bus station if you wanted coke or smoke?
It sounds a bit rough were you are right now, but in a way its the best place to be if you want to get clean. Lets face it, if you really wanted to escape you could, but you know they'd never have you back, right? It sounds like the place were the young superman lives or that guy who hawks and spits off' planes, trains and automoblies who has that growling little dog and a wife whos stronger than he is. I keep thinking that im so lucky to have laid back parents. Theyre firm but fair and we hardly ever argue. Theyre more like my mates and I love them to bits. Like you said Teena I will tell them I love them when the times right. I thought valentines day was just for lovers. Its not as big in the UK as it is over there.
Hey, h-g do you have one of those southern belle accents and eat key lime pie?
Theres certain people on here who i'd love to hear speak. that'd be excellent.
Dont worry I think a lot of us on here find it hard to take any compliments. Im the same, I need someone to shout certain things in my face before they believe them. Its like when you guys said you enjoyed my story, I needed to hear that, thanx. Ive just read an e-mail from Teena and what you just wrote h-g and your bothe easily as good if not better than me at writing. You both make me laugh.
Selling lingerie, like kinky underwear? are you good at that job? Yes, I used to have a job as a computer designer from 1988-1993. I started off going there in a suit and that gradually degraded to without a tie and then changed my shoes for runners. I just didnt like starting the day, putting my head in a noose!
After that experince I never want a tie job again. I was only a teenager and had to put up with 40/50 somethings telling me how much they wished theyd done something worthwhile with their life. It got to the stage were people actually were challenging me to leave and it went on and on. So one Monday morning I got on the bus for the airport instead of work. I flew off to Greece where I worked as a dancer for a while. I sent that old place a postcard omce i'd settled in. The only bit I remember about what I wrote is telling the boss'to suck my plumbs!'
I'll put these other things on a new post,
in a bit. xxx
Paulys typical day.
Pauly likes to sleep a lot. Everyone keeps saying its depression but It doesnt feel depressing. Its a bit abnormal though because I can sleep all the way through the day and into the next morning.
When I do usually get up its usually by the chicks techno underneath me. I'm on the 'sick' at the moment which means I get my rent and taxes paid as well as about 100 dollars spending money a week courtesy of the UK government. I know thats not enough to have a decent drug habit but im lucky or unlucky however you see it that my 2 best mates sell so I usually get sorted for free or on the never-never tab. Usually im with these 2 guys as a helper or minder or whatever as they go about their business. I try and have a life away from the drug scene but you'll probably think its boring and consists of paiting pictures, reading, music. Just things to entertain myself.
I was thinking that when your having a bath and then you get out of it to get dry. When the end of the towel drops into the bath water has to be one of my biggest dislikes.
It seems like im definatly going to have to think of this properly arnt I.
When I go back later, im going to write out these posts there in the quiet because ive got the soccer blaring in my head in one ear. Oh and I was saying that i'll save all the stuff what everyones written to disk and then send it tommorrow morning, if thats ok.
Oh, the reason I sound happy is just because I am a lot of the time. I dont like people telling me my life has to be s*** just because Im a junky. Hell, you wouldnt even know I was one if you met me on the street.
It was chucking it down this morning and I had a bit of a heavy night, so I stayed in bed for most of the day and thats why I didnt come on this morning.
ok, i have to go and sort these disks out now, so i'll post the rest tommorrow ok?
I wish I could stay online all night but theres no connection at my place.
when i go from here its like a bit of me has been cut off.
Teena you said you had a CB. Does this place not feel a bit like when you thought you'd found a boyfriend/girlfriend and would leave the channel switched on once you'd both signed off? And you ask are you there about an hour later and they still are!
ok, off now 10-10
luv from Ruski xxxxxxx
Pauly likes to sleep a lot. Everyone keeps saying its depression but It doesnt feel depressing. Its a bit abnormal though because I can sleep all the way through the day and into the next morning.
When I do usually get up its usually by the chicks techno underneath me. I'm on the 'sick' at the moment which means I get my rent and taxes paid as well as about 100 dollars spending money a week courtesy of the UK government. I know thats not enough to have a decent drug habit but im lucky or unlucky however you see it that my 2 best mates sell so I usually get sorted for free or on the never-never tab. Usually im with these 2 guys as a helper or minder or whatever as they go about their business. I try and have a life away from the drug scene but you'll probably think its boring and consists of paiting pictures, reading, music. Just things to entertain myself.
I was thinking that when your having a bath and then you get out of it to get dry. When the end of the towel drops into the bath water has to be one of my biggest dislikes.
It seems like im definatly going to have to think of this properly arnt I.
When I go back later, im going to write out these posts there in the quiet because ive got the soccer blaring in my head in one ear. Oh and I was saying that i'll save all the stuff what everyones written to disk and then send it tommorrow morning, if thats ok.
Oh, the reason I sound happy is just because I am a lot of the time. I dont like people telling me my life has to be s*** just because Im a junky. Hell, you wouldnt even know I was one if you met me on the street.
It was chucking it down this morning and I had a bit of a heavy night, so I stayed in bed for most of the day and thats why I didnt come on this morning.
ok, i have to go and sort these disks out now, so i'll post the rest tommorrow ok?
I wish I could stay online all night but theres no connection at my place.
when i go from here its like a bit of me has been cut off.
Teena you said you had a CB. Does this place not feel a bit like when you thought you'd found a boyfriend/girlfriend and would leave the channel switched on once you'd both signed off? And you ask are you there about an hour later and they still are!
ok, off now 10-10
luv from Ruski xxxxxxx
Ruski-Paul and Teena,
Hey honey, I'm home! Nah, I just walked in the door from work and I hardly walk by the computer without seeing what's up on here. I work at Victoria's Secret. It's o.k. I'm sure I've had much worse. I never had so much underwear before in my life. And to think, before this job, I hardly ever wore it! (just kidding,guys).
Funny, Paul, that mentioned Port Authority. In Times Square there was this old man with one of those "will work for food" signs around his neck. Only his said "Need money for booze, drugs, cigarettes- hey, at least I'm not bullsh***ing you!" So I approached him and asked where the closest place to cop a bag was and he directed me to the bus terminal. No, no one asked me but this guy came up to bum a smoke and just so happened that he was a smackhead. Me and little sis got in his car with him and went to the Bronx where I got a bundle. My sis was scared then. And later after doing what we did in his car I came up short a bag. I figured he had ripped it off until I saw my 16 yr old sis all stoned and nodding. I felt so incredibly bad. Still do. She has experimented, before her being around me at all. I refuse to let her do drugs around me. And now I think she's pretty much chilled out with them. For that I am grateful. I, myself, cannot shake the obsession. I must think about it a million times a day. Inconveniently, I got a check from my university yesterday. I cashed it today and bought some things from VS (Vic. Secret). I don't even like to shop. But it feels good to have that much money.
Have Y'all have a good day? Yeah, Paul, it's the southern belle accent. I figured that being English you might not know about it. Blue Ridge is apart of the Appalachian mountains. It's actually in the corner of 4 states: Tennessee (where I lived) North Carolina, Virginia, and the northern tip of Georgia. No matter the time of year the mountains always look blue. It is beautiful, I admit. It's home to me and I miss it. I'm living 2 and a half hours north of there now and hate the redneck, narrow-mined town I'm in now. I am trying to make the most of it.
Teena,
Hi darlin'. How are you? How is my neighbor to the north? I love to read when you write about your kids. I love children but do not have any of my own. Never wanted to, as I knew I couldn't take care of them the way I would want to do it, you know? I lived with a boyfriend for a while and he had custody of his sister's little girl (4yrs old now). Taking care of her was wonderful. I miss her now but am still very close with him and his family. So I can see her whenever I want. Gretchen is her name. She's gorgeous. Have you seen the movie "Taking Lives"? It was filmed in Canada. Montreal, I believe. On the other side of the country from you, right? Whatever city they filmed in was very old and very beautiful. Are drugs a huge problem in your city?
I'll write some more this evening, I need to take off these icky work clothes. I never thought of a tie being a noose but it sure is , isn't it? Funny to not have noticed that before. I am very mellow and chill, too, so it's uncomfortable to have to wear dressy clothes and be around uptight chicks all day. It's o.k. I'll deal somehow.
Later guys,
h-girl
Hey honey, I'm home! Nah, I just walked in the door from work and I hardly walk by the computer without seeing what's up on here. I work at Victoria's Secret. It's o.k. I'm sure I've had much worse. I never had so much underwear before in my life. And to think, before this job, I hardly ever wore it! (just kidding,guys).
Funny, Paul, that mentioned Port Authority. In Times Square there was this old man with one of those "will work for food" signs around his neck. Only his said "Need money for booze, drugs, cigarettes- hey, at least I'm not bullsh***ing you!" So I approached him and asked where the closest place to cop a bag was and he directed me to the bus terminal. No, no one asked me but this guy came up to bum a smoke and just so happened that he was a smackhead. Me and little sis got in his car with him and went to the Bronx where I got a bundle. My sis was scared then. And later after doing what we did in his car I came up short a bag. I figured he had ripped it off until I saw my 16 yr old sis all stoned and nodding. I felt so incredibly bad. Still do. She has experimented, before her being around me at all. I refuse to let her do drugs around me. And now I think she's pretty much chilled out with them. For that I am grateful. I, myself, cannot shake the obsession. I must think about it a million times a day. Inconveniently, I got a check from my university yesterday. I cashed it today and bought some things from VS (Vic. Secret). I don't even like to shop. But it feels good to have that much money.
Have Y'all have a good day? Yeah, Paul, it's the southern belle accent. I figured that being English you might not know about it. Blue Ridge is apart of the Appalachian mountains. It's actually in the corner of 4 states: Tennessee (where I lived) North Carolina, Virginia, and the northern tip of Georgia. No matter the time of year the mountains always look blue. It is beautiful, I admit. It's home to me and I miss it. I'm living 2 and a half hours north of there now and hate the redneck, narrow-mined town I'm in now. I am trying to make the most of it.
Teena,
Hi darlin'. How are you? How is my neighbor to the north? I love to read when you write about your kids. I love children but do not have any of my own. Never wanted to, as I knew I couldn't take care of them the way I would want to do it, you know? I lived with a boyfriend for a while and he had custody of his sister's little girl (4yrs old now). Taking care of her was wonderful. I miss her now but am still very close with him and his family. So I can see her whenever I want. Gretchen is her name. She's gorgeous. Have you seen the movie "Taking Lives"? It was filmed in Canada. Montreal, I believe. On the other side of the country from you, right? Whatever city they filmed in was very old and very beautiful. Are drugs a huge problem in your city?
I'll write some more this evening, I need to take off these icky work clothes. I never thought of a tie being a noose but it sure is , isn't it? Funny to not have noticed that before. I am very mellow and chill, too, so it's uncomfortable to have to wear dressy clothes and be around uptight chicks all day. It's o.k. I'll deal somehow.
Later guys,
h-girl
H-Girl me lady:
I'm doing fine sweetie thanx for asking,Yesterday was ok until I went to Provigo(huge super market),I'll tell you what happened later since you like to hear about the kid's and all.
I live in Montreal sweetie you must have forgot,alot of movies have been filmed here.I'm in the middle of watching Changing Lanes with Ben Afflec and I forgot the black guy's name but he is one of my favorites.
I had to stop it to help the girl's with their homework,I used to hate school and doing damn homework(don't tell the kid's that)and now I'm stuck doing it,in french of all the s%!t.I got as far as grade four and started f***ing up in grade 5,started high-scool,by luck but only went on the first and last day and only to the first period,so I can be on the attendence list.I went to secondary 1 for three damn yrs,loll.Looking back now I was so dumb,I wish I would have finished school,it's never to late I guess.
Back to the movies,I look at about 2 movies a day and about 2 at night with the kid's a day so I don't remember all the ones I'v seen,sometimes I even re-rent some and only realize I'v seen them half way through,the meth has something to do with it also I guess.So you will have to explain to me the movies you talk about a little bit.
Ok now yesterday after the girl's finished school,we went to return the 6 dvd's I had rented and go do some groceries,well Loula took Mimi out of his carridge cause he wanted to walk and for just a second I asked her a question and we both turned our heads just a second,HE WAS GONE.....
We ran screaming all three of us all over the market I even went out into the mall to see if his little feet took him on a journey,nowhere to be seen...
Everyone in the mall and market know's me and my angel's cause I'm very social and the kid's are so sweet that everyone is drawn to them with their beautiful smiles and bright eyes,they even ran around looking and calling out his name with no luck...
Then when I finaly realized that someone must have snached him and my life will never be the same,with my head hung low and tears in my eyes I was going back to my carridge and cart with Viki my second daughter behind me,asking me why I was giving up on looking for Dimitri,why mommy,when I look up at my older daughter that was standing there with a smile on her face,I was about to ask her what she was so happy about when out of the corner of my eye I saw a little munchkin sitting down behind a stack of kinder surprise choclates eating a chocolate with no care in the world,like nothing happened and knodding his head like he's telling me this chocolate is good.I could never explain to you how my heart went back down to his place from jumping up into my throat,when I couldn't find him.
When I saw that face full of chocolate and him saying mmmmmm,I just ran over there and swooped him up and gave him such a big hug and lot's of kisses,he must of been thinking,what's the matter with her.Looking back now it seems funny but at the moment it wasen't.
I understood at that moment when I realized I would never see my baby again what parent's of abducted little angel's must have gone through when they realized they would never see their baby again.
I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy,never.
The worst feeling in the world.
Someone asked me how would you describe that feeling,with what would you compare it and I did so they would understand,by the way they are addicts too,but she's my best friend that I don't see but do talk to every night over the phone now since I quit in 95/96,I love her she's the one I grew up with but I can never see her cause she sell's and uses heroin.
This is how I described it to her so she will understand the feeling,in the only way she could understand since she has no kid's and is a user.
SO ANYONE OUT THERE,BEFORE PUTTING YOUR TWO SENSE IN,IT"S JUST A WAY FOR HER TO UNDERSTAND ME,IT"S NOT THE SAME LOSING A BABY AND WHAT I TOLD HER,OK
So H-girl(I hate calling you that,wish I had a name for you) I told her this:
I said do you know when you are sick from heroin and you have no money so you go around half a day looking for 20$,all the while so sick out of your mind that you just want to die,and when you finally find the money to score,you then score, you take it home so you won't be rushed, only to realize that you lost it on the way home from the jazz house.You know that feeling of dying cause you don't want to go through that again and you don't want to be sick,you have no money,the fear that goes through you,well I said that is how it feel's and worst.She then said s*** I know what it must of felt like,but she will never know unless she herself becomes a mom.
I remember screaming at my mom all those times I was sick and getting mad at her when she would tell me to fix my life,well only when I had my kid's did I realize what MOM means and what I would go through if any of my little precious angel's end up the way I was,Now I know what it takes to be a mom.
Even if they don't alway's show it,they care so much about us and their heart is breaking in little pieces every time they see us hurting cause of this drug.
If only I knew then what I know now,I would have tried harder to make her proud.
I can't but whoever hasen't told their mom or dad or both how they love them,but it's the drug that makes them this way,well Monday is just around the corner and the right time to say it.It could be in a form of a letter,a card,face to face,a poem or anything you feel like it to be.Good luck to evryone who will be brave enough to do it cause we can be a little to proud sometimes.
I will let you go sweetheart for now the fun begins for me now,supper,bath time,story time and bed,kisses and I love you's and a happy ending to another beautiful and sober day,doing what I love best,BEING A MOM..........
I love posting to you and the other girl's and Pauly,I know I'm not alone and that help's a bunch,THANX YOU ALL.
Your friend TEENA Luv ya's
I'm doing fine sweetie thanx for asking,Yesterday was ok until I went to Provigo(huge super market),I'll tell you what happened later since you like to hear about the kid's and all.
I live in Montreal sweetie you must have forgot,alot of movies have been filmed here.I'm in the middle of watching Changing Lanes with Ben Afflec and I forgot the black guy's name but he is one of my favorites.
I had to stop it to help the girl's with their homework,I used to hate school and doing damn homework(don't tell the kid's that)and now I'm stuck doing it,in french of all the s%!t.I got as far as grade four and started f***ing up in grade 5,started high-scool,by luck but only went on the first and last day and only to the first period,so I can be on the attendence list.I went to secondary 1 for three damn yrs,loll.Looking back now I was so dumb,I wish I would have finished school,it's never to late I guess.
Back to the movies,I look at about 2 movies a day and about 2 at night with the kid's a day so I don't remember all the ones I'v seen,sometimes I even re-rent some and only realize I'v seen them half way through,the meth has something to do with it also I guess.So you will have to explain to me the movies you talk about a little bit.
Ok now yesterday after the girl's finished school,we went to return the 6 dvd's I had rented and go do some groceries,well Loula took Mimi out of his carridge cause he wanted to walk and for just a second I asked her a question and we both turned our heads just a second,HE WAS GONE.....
We ran screaming all three of us all over the market I even went out into the mall to see if his little feet took him on a journey,nowhere to be seen...
Everyone in the mall and market know's me and my angel's cause I'm very social and the kid's are so sweet that everyone is drawn to them with their beautiful smiles and bright eyes,they even ran around looking and calling out his name with no luck...
Then when I finaly realized that someone must have snached him and my life will never be the same,with my head hung low and tears in my eyes I was going back to my carridge and cart with Viki my second daughter behind me,asking me why I was giving up on looking for Dimitri,why mommy,when I look up at my older daughter that was standing there with a smile on her face,I was about to ask her what she was so happy about when out of the corner of my eye I saw a little munchkin sitting down behind a stack of kinder surprise choclates eating a chocolate with no care in the world,like nothing happened and knodding his head like he's telling me this chocolate is good.I could never explain to you how my heart went back down to his place from jumping up into my throat,when I couldn't find him.
When I saw that face full of chocolate and him saying mmmmmm,I just ran over there and swooped him up and gave him such a big hug and lot's of kisses,he must of been thinking,what's the matter with her.Looking back now it seems funny but at the moment it wasen't.
I understood at that moment when I realized I would never see my baby again what parent's of abducted little angel's must have gone through when they realized they would never see their baby again.
I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy,never.
The worst feeling in the world.
Someone asked me how would you describe that feeling,with what would you compare it and I did so they would understand,by the way they are addicts too,but she's my best friend that I don't see but do talk to every night over the phone now since I quit in 95/96,I love her she's the one I grew up with but I can never see her cause she sell's and uses heroin.
This is how I described it to her so she will understand the feeling,in the only way she could understand since she has no kid's and is a user.
SO ANYONE OUT THERE,BEFORE PUTTING YOUR TWO SENSE IN,IT"S JUST A WAY FOR HER TO UNDERSTAND ME,IT"S NOT THE SAME LOSING A BABY AND WHAT I TOLD HER,OK
So H-girl(I hate calling you that,wish I had a name for you) I told her this:
I said do you know when you are sick from heroin and you have no money so you go around half a day looking for 20$,all the while so sick out of your mind that you just want to die,and when you finally find the money to score,you then score, you take it home so you won't be rushed, only to realize that you lost it on the way home from the jazz house.You know that feeling of dying cause you don't want to go through that again and you don't want to be sick,you have no money,the fear that goes through you,well I said that is how it feel's and worst.She then said s*** I know what it must of felt like,but she will never know unless she herself becomes a mom.
I remember screaming at my mom all those times I was sick and getting mad at her when she would tell me to fix my life,well only when I had my kid's did I realize what MOM means and what I would go through if any of my little precious angel's end up the way I was,Now I know what it takes to be a mom.
Even if they don't alway's show it,they care so much about us and their heart is breaking in little pieces every time they see us hurting cause of this drug.
If only I knew then what I know now,I would have tried harder to make her proud.
I can't but whoever hasen't told their mom or dad or both how they love them,but it's the drug that makes them this way,well Monday is just around the corner and the right time to say it.It could be in a form of a letter,a card,face to face,a poem or anything you feel like it to be.Good luck to evryone who will be brave enough to do it cause we can be a little to proud sometimes.
I will let you go sweetheart for now the fun begins for me now,supper,bath time,story time and bed,kisses and I love you's and a happy ending to another beautiful and sober day,doing what I love best,BEING A MOM..........
I love posting to you and the other girl's and Pauly,I know I'm not alone and that help's a bunch,THANX YOU ALL.
Your friend TEENA Luv ya's
Teena,
My god. That must have been such a nightmare. I am so glad Dimitri is safe with you and sisters again. I can picture a cute little darlin' eating chocolates and nodding like yum! I may have felt that horror feeling before. A few years ago I was without a place to stay, so my two best friends David and Denise took me in. They were addicts too. Older than me, they always tried to look out for me. I heard Denise screaming at 6 in the morning. Jumped up, ran into the living room and Dave was face-down on the carpet. He was 37 yrs.old. Damn. Yeah, I know that feeling. Fear, pain, and panic. Like you can really feel your heart breaking.
T, your life sounds good. I'm glad to know someone that it worked out for. Especially someone as sweet and good-natured as you. When I look around, I honestly don't see anyone that it worked out for. By 'it' I mean kicking the habit. Feels like it is always out of my reach. I never thought this would have happened to me. Now I'm dragging myself into a pity-pot.
I thought you were from Quebec? Hmmm....don't know where I got that from. So am I right about Montreal? Is there lots to do? Galleries and Museums and such? You're pretty close to Seattle, yes? So you could go to lots of great concerts, too. That's one place I will visit I hope (Seattle). Maybe pay hommage to Jimi's grave. Cry a little. It would be a spiritual trip.
Well, have some peaceful sleep, knowing your little ones are safe with the one who loves them the most.
Take care, dear. I'm off to sleep myself.
Oh, for you and Paul, why the issue with the name? It means nothing really. Just from a song and a buddy of mine who liked to antagonize me a bit. It stuck for a while (not long, thank god) but I didn't forget it. Just seemed to make sense when I found this board is all. Is your name Christina? Wondering...
Luv and hugs,
h-girl
My god. That must have been such a nightmare. I am so glad Dimitri is safe with you and sisters again. I can picture a cute little darlin' eating chocolates and nodding like yum! I may have felt that horror feeling before. A few years ago I was without a place to stay, so my two best friends David and Denise took me in. They were addicts too. Older than me, they always tried to look out for me. I heard Denise screaming at 6 in the morning. Jumped up, ran into the living room and Dave was face-down on the carpet. He was 37 yrs.old. Damn. Yeah, I know that feeling. Fear, pain, and panic. Like you can really feel your heart breaking.
T, your life sounds good. I'm glad to know someone that it worked out for. Especially someone as sweet and good-natured as you. When I look around, I honestly don't see anyone that it worked out for. By 'it' I mean kicking the habit. Feels like it is always out of my reach. I never thought this would have happened to me. Now I'm dragging myself into a pity-pot.
I thought you were from Quebec? Hmmm....don't know where I got that from. So am I right about Montreal? Is there lots to do? Galleries and Museums and such? You're pretty close to Seattle, yes? So you could go to lots of great concerts, too. That's one place I will visit I hope (Seattle). Maybe pay hommage to Jimi's grave. Cry a little. It would be a spiritual trip.
Well, have some peaceful sleep, knowing your little ones are safe with the one who loves them the most.
Take care, dear. I'm off to sleep myself.
Oh, for you and Paul, why the issue with the name? It means nothing really. Just from a song and a buddy of mine who liked to antagonize me a bit. It stuck for a while (not long, thank god) but I didn't forget it. Just seemed to make sense when I found this board is all. Is your name Christina? Wondering...
Luv and hugs,
h-girl
Hey there sweets,H-G
No my name is,don't laugh now,promise no laughing,well here goes iiittt'ss,"Areti".Told you not to laugh now that you know I'll have to come down there and do away with you for knowing this secret,loll,loll,loll.
Growing up I used to hate my stupid name,people use to tease,Areti are you ready,or,ever ready batteries,I use to hate it I tell you.
Then when I was about 10/11 years old we moved into this appartment block and the janitor was cool we used to smoke up with him and drink beer's with him me and my girlfriend,Claudine.Then his younger brother came to live with him and he became head over heel's in love with me but he spoke not a word of english and I not a word of french,(only learned french in the three years I did inside),so he could not pronounce my greek name right and that is when he began calling me Valenteena,but after a while I found it was to long and it didn't suit me so we cut it down to Teena,and ever since then I call myself Teena,not Areti.I would realy love to know your real name one day though sweetheart,why don't you want to say it,what's wrong?
It couldn't be as bad as mine hell no,it can't,I take the prize for that one,loll.
As for where I'm close to,one thing I know is I'm nowhere near seatle,like you say.On one side I'm near,Ottawa then, Ontario then Toronto,on another side is little town's then Quebec,then on another side is going toward's the states first it's Platsbeurg(?),then I think Vermont,and then Maryland,then New york something like that,I think.
I may be wrong missed that class in high-school,I think I was sick with the flu that week,NOT,loll,loll.
Was glad to hear from you girl,I'll be heading to bed now it's 1:58am here now and I gotta get up early to get myself,Dimitri ready for my appointment to go see my Dr. to get my perscription and also change these anti-deppressant's I'm on,then get the girl's up for school and get their lunches ready cause with my appointment and all I'll never make it back for lunch so ,one of them,Viki will be eating with her teacher tomorrow cause she was well behaved all week so she get's a special privlage,no homework for one night,eat lunch with the teacher and the other two well behaved kid's and be her helper for the week,she get's alot of those,she's very quiet,not like Loula she is ,yap,yap,yap but very good in school.Loula I haven't decided where she'll be eating cause she is sort of on a punishment this week cause she put on her mascarra without asking me first and tried to sneek off to school without me noticing but I'm a hawk I see everything,so she got punished,she want's to eat at her bestfriend's house which her mom is one of my friend's also but I said no cause she's punished,oh mom,please,she's so sweet but I can't give in,so I'll figure it out in the morning at who's house she will have lunch at.
I'll let you go for now H-G see you tomorrow afternoon,have a nice day at work.
Your friend alway's Teena.....
No my name is,don't laugh now,promise no laughing,well here goes iiittt'ss,"Areti".Told you not to laugh now that you know I'll have to come down there and do away with you for knowing this secret,loll,loll,loll.
Growing up I used to hate my stupid name,people use to tease,Areti are you ready,or,ever ready batteries,I use to hate it I tell you.
Then when I was about 10/11 years old we moved into this appartment block and the janitor was cool we used to smoke up with him and drink beer's with him me and my girlfriend,Claudine.Then his younger brother came to live with him and he became head over heel's in love with me but he spoke not a word of english and I not a word of french,(only learned french in the three years I did inside),so he could not pronounce my greek name right and that is when he began calling me Valenteena,but after a while I found it was to long and it didn't suit me so we cut it down to Teena,and ever since then I call myself Teena,not Areti.I would realy love to know your real name one day though sweetheart,why don't you want to say it,what's wrong?
It couldn't be as bad as mine hell no,it can't,I take the prize for that one,loll.
As for where I'm close to,one thing I know is I'm nowhere near seatle,like you say.On one side I'm near,Ottawa then, Ontario then Toronto,on another side is little town's then Quebec,then on another side is going toward's the states first it's Platsbeurg(?),then I think Vermont,and then Maryland,then New york something like that,I think.
I may be wrong missed that class in high-school,I think I was sick with the flu that week,NOT,loll,loll.
Was glad to hear from you girl,I'll be heading to bed now it's 1:58am here now and I gotta get up early to get myself,Dimitri ready for my appointment to go see my Dr. to get my perscription and also change these anti-deppressant's I'm on,then get the girl's up for school and get their lunches ready cause with my appointment and all I'll never make it back for lunch so ,one of them,Viki will be eating with her teacher tomorrow cause she was well behaved all week so she get's a special privlage,no homework for one night,eat lunch with the teacher and the other two well behaved kid's and be her helper for the week,she get's alot of those,she's very quiet,not like Loula she is ,yap,yap,yap but very good in school.Loula I haven't decided where she'll be eating cause she is sort of on a punishment this week cause she put on her mascarra without asking me first and tried to sneek off to school without me noticing but I'm a hawk I see everything,so she got punished,she want's to eat at her bestfriend's house which her mom is one of my friend's also but I said no cause she's punished,oh mom,please,she's so sweet but I can't give in,so I'll figure it out in the morning at who's house she will have lunch at.
I'll let you go for now H-G see you tomorrow afternoon,have a nice day at work.
Your friend alway's Teena.....
