Self Pity

Pain Pills
1

A Reading on
"Self-Pity"

Self-pity is a very dangerous emotion. Self-pity blocks reality ... it puts up walls so we cannot get positive messages ... so we cannot even hear our Higher Power.

Self-pity brings us down to the far depths of despair and depression and neither of these are good companions. When we think that we deserve to feel sorry for ourselves, and especially when we want others to feel sorry for us, we are indulging in negative thinking.

Self-pity leads us back to immaturity and irresponsibility, to wanting to feel better at any price, to the danger of returning to our addictions, compulsions and obsessions. Self-pity can lead us back to dis-ease.

Today I refuse to allow the magnetic tape of self-pity
to trap me. Today I avoid negative thinking
and replace it as soon as I notice it is present in me.


---From Time For Joy, Daily Affirmations by Ruth Fishel, page 326

2
Thank you bob!!

carol
3


Daily Reflections
by A.A. Members for A.A. Members
THE FALSE COMFORT OF SELF-PITY

Self-pity is one of the most unhappy and consuming defects that we know. It is a bar to all spiritual progress and can cut off all effective communication with our fellows because of its inordinate demands for attention and sympathy. It is a maudlin form of martyrdom, which we can ill afford.
AS BILL SEES IT, p. 238

The false comfort of self-pity screens me from reality only momentarily and then demands, like a drug, that I take an even bigger dose. If I succumb to this it could lead to a relapse into drinking. What can I do? One certain antidote is to turn my attention, however slightly at first, toward others who are genuinely less fortunate than I, preferably other alcoholics. In the same degree that I actively demonstrate my empathy with them, I will lessen my own exaggerated suffering.

~ Reprinted from Daily Reflections, with permission of A.A. World Services, Inc.

4

How to Handle Self-Pity

This week we continue looking at optimism by examining one of the many things that can hold us back from achieving the mindset of positive thoughts and feelings and attitudes that optimism consists of.

Self pity ranks as the absolute grandfather of all negative emotions. While all constricting emotions originate out of fear, specifically the fear of loneliness, self pity is more like the kindly old grandfather that wants to make everything "all right" - (in its own distorted way, of course!)

Self pity exists as a real emotion. All real emotions have both a positive and a negative side. The positive side of pity lies with its powers of anesthesia. Self pity numbs the pain. It puts you to sleep. It wraps you in a cocoon of mush - and keeps you 'safe' from intrusion.

If you could bottle it, it would be considered a 'mood altering substance' and thus available only by prescription! In fact, I believe self pity to be the single most addictive 'thing' in the world, partly because no one will admit to having it in the first place.

"Hi, my name is so-and-so and I'm a pity addict."

Much easier to admit you're a heroin addict than a pity addict, don't you think?...

The very powers that make self pity so necessary for childhood and adolescence also make it so repulsive for the grownup. Children NEED self pity. Many kids needed it for their very survival. They were hurting, they looked around, and one of the very few tools available to them was self pity.

It served them well.

As a grownup, however, pity becomes a burden. It's endearing for a child to be sucking its thumb and holding a security blanket. For a grownup, well... you're not going win a whole lot of respect with your peers!

On the dark side, self pity paralyzes your thoughts and feelings and even your very actions in the world. Often, it becomes a pathetic manipulation that people use to get any number of things. It becomes a way to punish others,...

"because, hey, I can't be responsible, I'm in self pity!"

Besides being the act of a coward (a coward being someone who won't face the truth) pity actually does create a pitiful reality.

See, with fear, many people are terrified of their own shadow. You don't need a real reason to be afraid - you can be scared over absolutely nothing at all. Likewise with anger. Just drive down the streets and you'll see it all day long. Drivers going totally berserk over - what? - because you waited a second before speeding off when the light turns green?

It takes very little to provoke a very strong reaction of fear and anger, and in fact many times that's exactly the case. Not so with self pity.

The person swamped with self pity really is leading a pathetic life, filled with problems and struggle. Life really is difficult when you're mired in self pity. Bad things really do happen. And one of the characteristics of pity - you always have to blame someone or something else.

Self-pitiers must always look outside of themselves for the source of their problems and struggle.

And since -

"I didn't create the problem so I can't end it!" -

it becomes a self perpetuating downward spiral that leads only to more problems and more pity.

If someone or something else is the source of my problem, I am giving my power away to that something else. It's like saying they are more powerful than I am. Then I have to get them to change, so that my life will improve.

By definition, a person in self pity can not and will not accept responsibility for their own life. Someone else must be responsible. This in itself leads to a host of problems too numerous to go into here.

Fortunately, a solution out of this quagmire of pity is readily available. In fact, it's so simple and easy, many would be tempted to dismiss it out of hand.

I challenge you to muster the courage to admit, well, maybe just a tiny bit of pity may have found its way into my life...


The Technique for Self-Pity

I've explored self pity quite extensively, and I really don't believe it's possible to just end it in one fell swoop. It takes time and effort. Not a lot of time, and not a lot of effort, but it does take some.

It becomes like a 'maintenance chore' - such as using the bathroom and brushing your teeth. If you approach the technique in this way - as one more minor chore to be done on a daily basis, I can assure you the rewards will be immense.

Your life WILL change. No doubt about it. Problems will lessen. You will have to work harder if you want to struggle! Life will become easier, with less effort. Things flow more smoothly, and work themselves out with less hassle on your part.

Solutions and resolutions become more readily apparent. You see things more clearly. You understand and comprehend more of what's going on in the world around you.

The anesthetic of pity covers up your other emotions. Therefore, by practicing this technique, your thinking ability will improve. Your ability to feel the full range of emotions will also be augmented.

While doing this technique only once - diligently - can lift a huge burden from your shoulders, doing it on a regular basis can produce seemingly miraculous changes.

Here's what you do:

1. Find a quiet time alone when you won't be disturbed. You may want to turn down the lights and unplug the phone.

2. Spend a minute or two to relax your body and your mind. Nothing elaborate, just make sure you're "calm, cool and collected".

3. Count from five to one, with the intention of entering an altered state at the count of one. Your INTENTION makes it happen, more than the actual counting.

4. At the count of one, imagine yourself in your room, or some other place of your choosing, and in this space you see something that resembles a toilet. Maybe it looks like a bathroom sink. This is your pity receptacle.

5. Begin to feel your self pity as strongly as you possibly can. Focus only on the pity, and all the reasons why you SHOULD be feeling pity. Think of nothing else.

(Maintaining focus on your pity is much harder than you might imagine. It's difficult to focus on anything for very long.)

It's very important to concentrate only on the pity. This may actually take some practice. It definitely requires intense mental acuity.

6. After you have filled yourself with pity for as long as you can (say, five to ten minutes) the next step is to flow it all into the sink or toilet or other similar object. Then, either flush the toilet or rinse the sink, or in some other way wash the pity out of sight.

You could sit on the toilet and let it come out between your legs, or you could stand in front of the sink and let it pour out of your heart, your mind, your stomach, your neck, etc. You could even do it both ways, or in some other way that makes sense to you.

The key is to vividly and decisively imagine it leaving your body and flowing into some sort of receptacle. It also needs to leave fairly quickly, at the speed of, say water flowing down a sink, or down the toilet.

7. Count yourself out of the meditation by counting from one to five, and at the count of five open your eyes.

And that's it! You don't have to follow the instructions exactly, and in fact I encourage you to 'dress it up' or change it slightly to suit your own temperament.

You should be able to notice an immediate difference in the way you feel, after doing this technique only once. You may feel 'lighter' - like a burden has been lifted.

Even if don't believe you have any pity at all, I encourage you to try this at least once. The results may surprise you! And for maximum results, practice the technique on a regular basis, or whenever you feel the urge to go into self pity.

It works!
5
Self-pity makes me want to puke. Always hated pity parties. Nothing good come froms pity, in fact, if the pity is in regards to a user it is hardly any different than being an outrght enabler. Users dont need pity. They need tough love and a swift kick in the butt. I had to kick my own butt because noone here wants me off my meds but it would have been alot easier had someone else taking a little effort. Carrying it all was heavy, but over now.

Pity makes my skin crawl.
6
kaela,
I am sorry and I dont wish to engage in any contraversy with you... but in my opinion you didnt recieve enough 'tough love' regarding your taper on this board from the 'elders' to use your words... and the tough love you did get or feed back if you will you certainly didnt take well .... you spent an enormous amount of time justifing why you needed it in the first place.. or why you will always need it or .. oh the seizures danger.

I was in the health care field.. and statistically well.. you wont hear it so why say it.. after you get to a certain low daily dose there is a jumping off point and you have been at it from a physical 'seizure' theshhold level... plus might I add there is more to getting clean and in recovery than just getting 'clean'.... and I am wondering if you get that really on a deep level....

I wish you all the luck and peace in the world.. but there is much work to be done and I dont agree with the blanket statement about tough love... no one addict or person for that matter need just one kind of support or the other.. what is your opinion on tough love regarding your anxiety... do you think you should be poo pooed or 'enabled' through that?... i wonder...

just something to think about... I know you will not recieve this well but I hope that you have come further and will prove me wrong....If you wish to engage in a respectful debate please do so by starting a new thread as this is a nice thread regarding self pity and I dont want to completely devert that focus...

Teresa
7


What about empathy?

I still feel for people that are using and are in that dark dark place. Why kick a dog when its down? At least help him up.

Redd
8

hey, ya'll.

just so there's no confusion, the post was about "self pity," it's effects, and how to get rid of it when it appears.
9


understood Bob, thanks for the thread, as always I learn from you, but sometimes I still question, its in my nature.

Redd
10
i always got empathy and sympathy confused.. not the english words.... or definition but how to know the difference... but rest assured when I first got clean there was no short supply of self pity... that is why a gratetude list came in handy... it helped to remember what I have and what I could lose... and what some others would love to have that they dont... also NA/AA meetings help me put things in prospective in terms of meeting people that are less along than I am further alone than I with recovery not necessarily clean time.. (there is a difference)....

that imaginary is a great exersice bob b.... thanks for the tip... mind if I pass that along in my meeting tonight?....

Teresa
11

it's the catholic school formation, redd -- trained to wonder.
12


You got that right Bob, for life I will wonder and push and question....taught at a very young age.....what am I doing to my son? Lol

Redd
13

redd -- in answer: loving him. and passing on the gift that you received.

teresa, by all means.

for those of us who suffer it, my view is that we are attacked by self-pity --like some temptations, which always come. sometimes we don't know from where --not that it matters. it's what we do with it once it appears that makes the difference. took me a long time to identify it and to admit that i wallow in it -- but i'm getting better at seeing the sob job coming. just like the resentments.

mulling those things around in our noggins just serves no positive purpose and only makes us sick -- mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

have great day, ladies, and peace to you and to your households.



14
bob.b whats up my brother,i have spent way to much time sitting on the pity pot,them days are behind me now,and besides that i was spending way to much money on toilet paper[lol]..........vinny.
15

ok, vinncellio, since you mentioned it ----

when you hang a new roll of paper on the holder, you know -- on the wall spool thing.

the paper roller i guess you call it.

is the end of the paper supposed to hang down close to the wall or the other way around, towards the front ?
16
i'm not sure on that one bob,but i have many of time started to do my bussines and looked over and there was nonthing at all on the roll,so i usally give my wife the task of bringing one in[pu].........vinny.
17

does she throw it to you or at you ?
18
bob she usally does the one arm throw because her other hand is busy covering her nose[lol].............vinny.
19
Hey Teresa:
Here is a new thread for ya... worry about your recovery until you can address me in a friendly, repectful manner. Then you and I may chat.... otherwise, you are and will remain on my ignore list. I don't bat back and forth with catty girls. If I did, I would never have time for anything else.

There are many nice people here. I spend my time with them. *poof* be gone.

Respectfully,

Mrs. Understood
20
k,
I thought my post was respectful.. it just wasnt agreeable to your way of thinking.... so in your mind at this time anything or anyone that doesnt completely agree with you and your way... is disrespectful and not worth your time... that is ok I have been there .. it is part of the process ... maybe you will get it...

But to be clear I was not being disrespectful.... just honest as I see things... so ignore me if you will. I will still speak recovery and my opinion agreeable to your opinion or not.... plain and simple... sorry if that annoys you.

be well
Teresa