BTW, my birth card is the ten of hearts and what it says is right on. I have only rarely focused my efforts in a positive direction for any length of time. But when I have, I can move mountains. I surprise myself at what little effort on my part will accomplish all the time! So it's time to put away the things of childhood (at this late date) and get down to business.
I'm on a voyage of self discovery. I don't care to hear some shrink or counselor jabber at me. I'm doin this myself. I may emerge and counsel others. Right now, u r right. One day at a time.
Right now the great thing I'll do is get in my truck for the first time in two weeks and drive to the store and buy some food. I'm out of food and tired of asking people to do such simple things for me. Besides the bacon my little sister picked out was so s***ty! How can a woman be forty four and not know how to pick good bacon? I forgive her, since she saved my life 12 nights ago when i was choking on my own vomit and unconscious.
So I'm off to the store. Wish me luck.
Mark
I made it! Even dealt with a chatty woman at the nectarines and another in the checkout lane! I'm gettin better. 14 days tomorrow. I'm off to do my situps.
Mark
Mark
My two little Dachshunds have been very subdued for the past two weeks. They knew I was sick and never left my side. Now they are getting frisky again. Pretty sharp little devils! They can sense I'm getting better. But still not right of course. My first trip out of any length will be to visit my little half sister who just went through a double mastectomy and is enduring a lengthy course of chemo therapy that is tearing her up! Actually, as i told her when I confessed why I havent' been to see her, she is an inspiration to me. My selfish little bulls*** habit pales in comparison to what she is going through! She is my number one supporter as it turns out. She is halfway through the most intense chemo there is. She's a wreck and has a husband and two little kids, and is bedridden with sores all over, but she takes time out to send me inspiration every day!
And I just thought it'd be a good idea to shoot up some heroin? How f***ing selfish! If I was to hang my head to anyone, it would be when I go to see her.
But she is adamant that I don't apologize to anybody but myself. She's proud of me.
No doubt about it, I'm blessed with the best set of friends and family anyone could ask for! Each and every one of them would do ANYTHING for me!
It's well and truly time for me to step up and do the right thing.
I am! one day at a time.
xxxx's + ooo's to u no who.
And I just thought it'd be a good idea to shoot up some heroin? How f***ing selfish! If I was to hang my head to anyone, it would be when I go to see her.
But she is adamant that I don't apologize to anybody but myself. She's proud of me.
No doubt about it, I'm blessed with the best set of friends and family anyone could ask for! Each and every one of them would do ANYTHING for me!
It's well and truly time for me to step up and do the right thing.
I am! one day at a time.
xxxx's + ooo's to u no who.
Hi Mark
Well what a productive day ju had ystrdy!!! More writing, a wee trip out of the house to the shop to get the correct bacon...lol!! Ur lucky havin the dogs as well as that also keeps u busy, funny how pets can sense we are not how we usually are.
I am so sorry to hear that about your sister, as u said it makes our own "sickness" pale in comparison. I can recall vividly at Xmas time when I was withdrawin watching a prog about a girl who knew this was prob gona be her last Xmas alive as she had a terminal illness and was only 24yrs old, yet she was smilin & happy & totally acceptin of what was to come and looking forward to her final Xmas surrounded by family & friends . Whilst only earlier I had been sitn in floods of tears full of self pity for myself and my situation, boy did that put things in perspective!
Hey you are gona still get usin thoughts, I still get them, often when I least expect or sumtimes when Ive had a ruf day, I want to take the pain of that day away, but Ive learned (the hard way) that Im conditioned to think like that. Ive also learned from relapsin b4 that when I do act out on those thoughts that I dont enjoy it once Ive done it and the following day just end up feelin REALLY disappointed with myself. The thoughts pass tho, usually within 30mins, so its often best to get up off our asses & go do sumthing. Writing ur book is no doubt helpin you. Ur also lucky that u have a good business head and if you put this to good use maybe u will be a millionaire in a few yrs time!!!! Then I will be able to say "Oh I knew him b4 he was rich&famous" ha ha ha
How is ur sleepin pattern, I found that it took me about 2 months to get a decent nites sleep, it was so frustratin. Mind you I still find that sum nites I dont sleep too well, usually when Im not really aware that I have sumthing on my mind, when actually I do.
I would be SO interested to read ur book, I am an avid reader anyway, along with music these would be my 2 loves. Though the music definatley comes first!!!
Due to having been caught up in my addcition for SO many years I have missed out on so much, not travelled at all, in fact Ive had one holiday to Amsterdam, which wasnt really a holiday it was just to go & smoke heaps of pot/weed & take other drugs!!! I have never married, have no children balh blah blah poor me!!! Ha Ha All this did bother me initially but I am slowly accepting that this is my life and yeah there may be sum1 else out there for me but if theres not it doesnt really matter and all the other stuff like holidays, experiencing life etc can & will happen, itsjust gona take a bit of time. I made 2 bad choices with men, too long to go into here!!! Sure will tell you another day I work in Accounting in the Oil Industry usually but I gave it up to "get clean" tho it took me about 2/3yrs (I did work sumtimes in that period) and now my sis in law has given me a part time job in her pharmacy to help me get back on my feet and into the routine of work. For which I am so grateful. Like you its amazed me how supportive my family have been, because I didnt have them in my life for such a long time (my choice, I chose a man & drugs over them) but what matters is that I have them in the here & now.
Well Im off to do sum housework b4 headin out to work, but Ill be online this eve so Ill catch up with ur daily posts.
My prayers are with you & ur sister.
Also WELL DUN on your 2wks clean - amazin stuff, keep it up
xx
Haylz
Well what a productive day ju had ystrdy!!! More writing, a wee trip out of the house to the shop to get the correct bacon...lol!! Ur lucky havin the dogs as well as that also keeps u busy, funny how pets can sense we are not how we usually are.
I am so sorry to hear that about your sister, as u said it makes our own "sickness" pale in comparison. I can recall vividly at Xmas time when I was withdrawin watching a prog about a girl who knew this was prob gona be her last Xmas alive as she had a terminal illness and was only 24yrs old, yet she was smilin & happy & totally acceptin of what was to come and looking forward to her final Xmas surrounded by family & friends . Whilst only earlier I had been sitn in floods of tears full of self pity for myself and my situation, boy did that put things in perspective!
Hey you are gona still get usin thoughts, I still get them, often when I least expect or sumtimes when Ive had a ruf day, I want to take the pain of that day away, but Ive learned (the hard way) that Im conditioned to think like that. Ive also learned from relapsin b4 that when I do act out on those thoughts that I dont enjoy it once Ive done it and the following day just end up feelin REALLY disappointed with myself. The thoughts pass tho, usually within 30mins, so its often best to get up off our asses & go do sumthing. Writing ur book is no doubt helpin you. Ur also lucky that u have a good business head and if you put this to good use maybe u will be a millionaire in a few yrs time!!!! Then I will be able to say "Oh I knew him b4 he was rich&famous" ha ha ha
How is ur sleepin pattern, I found that it took me about 2 months to get a decent nites sleep, it was so frustratin. Mind you I still find that sum nites I dont sleep too well, usually when Im not really aware that I have sumthing on my mind, when actually I do.
I would be SO interested to read ur book, I am an avid reader anyway, along with music these would be my 2 loves. Though the music definatley comes first!!!
Due to having been caught up in my addcition for SO many years I have missed out on so much, not travelled at all, in fact Ive had one holiday to Amsterdam, which wasnt really a holiday it was just to go & smoke heaps of pot/weed & take other drugs!!! I have never married, have no children balh blah blah poor me!!! Ha Ha All this did bother me initially but I am slowly accepting that this is my life and yeah there may be sum1 else out there for me but if theres not it doesnt really matter and all the other stuff like holidays, experiencing life etc can & will happen, itsjust gona take a bit of time. I made 2 bad choices with men, too long to go into here!!! Sure will tell you another day I work in Accounting in the Oil Industry usually but I gave it up to "get clean" tho it took me about 2/3yrs (I did work sumtimes in that period) and now my sis in law has given me a part time job in her pharmacy to help me get back on my feet and into the routine of work. For which I am so grateful. Like you its amazed me how supportive my family have been, because I didnt have them in my life for such a long time (my choice, I chose a man & drugs over them) but what matters is that I have them in the here & now.
Well Im off to do sum housework b4 headin out to work, but Ill be online this eve so Ill catch up with ur daily posts.
My prayers are with you & ur sister.
Also WELL DUN on your 2wks clean - amazin stuff, keep it up
xx
Haylz
Thx, haylz
Day 14 dawned and I'm not in the best of spirits. Not sure why... Usually mornings seem to be my best lately. But I'm all clean and dressed! Just nowhere to go.
I lamented to my sister Lori (the one who stayed with me the frirst few days) that I hate not being able to go out with my friends.
She just texted me "Let's get creative. We'll come to you! Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain!"
Pretty cool. Though I'm not up for entertaining either...
Feeling weak and gray, so I'll close for now.
xx oo
Mark
Day 14 dawned and I'm not in the best of spirits. Not sure why... Usually mornings seem to be my best lately. But I'm all clean and dressed! Just nowhere to go.
I lamented to my sister Lori (the one who stayed with me the frirst few days) that I hate not being able to go out with my friends.
She just texted me "Let's get creative. We'll come to you! Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain!"
Pretty cool. Though I'm not up for entertaining either...
Feeling weak and gray, so I'll close for now.
xx oo
Mark
Wow, really bad day.. Hope I didn't bite off more than I can chew this time!
Lord give me strength, amen. M.
Lord give me strength, amen. M.
Hang in there...you CAN do this one minute at a time.
Thanks for that!
I'm sitting here all shaky and bad knowing I've got thousands of dollars lying around (probly not a good idea).
Just knowing a five minute ride inthe truck and I'd be a new man in sixty seconds.
But it would also spell the end of me.
So, like you said, one minute at a time, and I put those thoughts out of my head.!
Think I'll play Puff the Magic Dragon by Peter Paul and Mary.
Thanks for the support.
M
I'm sitting here all shaky and bad knowing I've got thousands of dollars lying around (probly not a good idea).
Just knowing a five minute ride inthe truck and I'd be a new man in sixty seconds.
But it would also spell the end of me.
So, like you said, one minute at a time, and I put those thoughts out of my head.!
Think I'll play Puff the Magic Dragon by Peter Paul and Mary.
Thanks for the support.
M
Hi Mark
How u doin? Have u managed to get thru the day ok?? Did ur sister come visit, sumtimes we dont feel like doin stuff, seein people, but it will take u out of urself for a bit. Like Mom said minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. I think I said earlier that I still have ups & downs but I can handle them a bit better as time goes on as if I sit & think about how I will feel if I go & use I know I will only feel worse.
Its just gona take a bit of time thats all, just remind urself of the carnage & misery you probably experienced when usin or you wouldnt be getn clean.
Away to make my T just in from work
Thinkin of you sending you BIG ((((hugs))))
xxx
How u doin? Have u managed to get thru the day ok?? Did ur sister come visit, sumtimes we dont feel like doin stuff, seein people, but it will take u out of urself for a bit. Like Mom said minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. I think I said earlier that I still have ups & downs but I can handle them a bit better as time goes on as if I sit & think about how I will feel if I go & use I know I will only feel worse.
Its just gona take a bit of time thats all, just remind urself of the carnage & misery you probably experienced when usin or you wouldnt be getn clean.
Away to make my T just in from work
Thinkin of you sending you BIG ((((hugs))))
xxx
Greg came by & dragged me out to get me some smokes (I'm out) and we stopped at the market and bought a cooked chicken. He seems to think I'm not getting enough protein. Says I can't survive on the little fruit I've been eating. So, I'll eat the chicken.
As far as all the s*** people go through being junkies, I never experienced any of that. I have plenty of money, I always had new syringes I'd order online. The drugs were delivered to my house. I wouldn't have a clue how to go score on the street! That's why my habit got so big. I always maintained a two or three day supply of H. So I could do as much as I wanted!
I just didn't like being addicted. So I quit.
Among the other reasons I've listed for quitting, is it took away my sex drive. And I miss that as much as anything! Hope I'm stronger tomorrow.
xxx ooo
Mark
As far as all the s*** people go through being junkies, I never experienced any of that. I have plenty of money, I always had new syringes I'd order online. The drugs were delivered to my house. I wouldn't have a clue how to go score on the street! That's why my habit got so big. I always maintained a two or three day supply of H. So I could do as much as I wanted!
I just didn't like being addicted. So I quit.
Among the other reasons I've listed for quitting, is it took away my sex drive. And I miss that as much as anything! Hope I'm stronger tomorrow.
xxx ooo
Mark
Greg seems to think it's my diet. I DON'T! It's been two effing weeks! It's about time my brain started making whatever it is that it needs to function properly! Who has time to sit around like a log for a month? I sure as hell don't! This is getting old! I'm in good shape and was only addicted (to huge amounts) for six months!!! Come on, body, let's get it together~!
Is there anything I can do to speed this process up? I'm exercising, eating vitamins, eating as best I can.
This weakling stage is getting old!
What about those people that go into residential treatment centers? Aren't they good to go in two weeks?
I learned my lesson, enough already!
If this messed me up permanently, I'm gonna be soooo pissed!
Mark
Is there anything I can do to speed this process up? I'm exercising, eating vitamins, eating as best I can.
This weakling stage is getting old!
What about those people that go into residential treatment centers? Aren't they good to go in two weeks?
I learned my lesson, enough already!
If this messed me up permanently, I'm gonna be soooo pissed!
Mark
Hey, Haylz,
You say you are into music. Do me a favor. Download and listen to K.D.Lang's version of the Roy Orbison tune "Crying".
Makes me think of you even though we've never met. Tell me if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.
Thx for the big hugs!
xxx ooo
Mark
You say you are into music. Do me a favor. Download and listen to K.D.Lang's version of the Roy Orbison tune "Crying".
Makes me think of you even though we've never met. Tell me if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.
Thx for the big hugs!
xxx ooo
Mark
To suplement my nutrition I just had Heineken Beer that's been stitting in my fridge since last October. Felt good, so now I'm having a Fat Tire beer that's not quite so old. Tastes good. And seems to be lifting my spirits!
Guess that's one advantage to kicking at home!
Doubt a treatment center would offer me a beer or two at day 14! Ha!
I know this is unorthodox and some will think this will lower my willpower and so on. Or turn me into an alcoholic. Not so. May even help my brain chemistry that's so screwed up. I guess I'll know in the morning.
For now, it helps. My little celebration for two weeks clean! Woopie!
M.
Guess that's one advantage to kicking at home!
Doubt a treatment center would offer me a beer or two at day 14! Ha!
I know this is unorthodox and some will think this will lower my willpower and so on. Or turn me into an alcoholic. Not so. May even help my brain chemistry that's so screwed up. I guess I'll know in the morning.
For now, it helps. My little celebration for two weeks clean! Woopie!
M.
shoulda just had the one beer. never finished the second. alcohol is no relief for effed up brain chemistry. just in case any of u were wondering. gonna finish that chicken & go 2 bed. m.
HI Mark - congratulations on another day. There is plenty of room for everyone on the board. Glad to see you are so positive.
I was an excessive drinker in my teens and twenties. It wasn't all bad. Had alot of fun, travelled around, went clubbing. All the stuff I thought I should be doing. I knew, however, that I drank too much. I tried everything to control it but it never worked. I also used alot of recreational drugs in the 70's, 80's, 90's, etc. I got married to a very straight guy and figured I better slow down. I continued to go to dinner (and have a bottle of wine), have parties and get wasted. Anyway one night I almost burned the house down. I put some pizza in the oven and passed out. Woke to a house filled with smoke. I went to AA and quit. That was over 22 years ago. I tell you this because I continued with other drugs on occasion. I smoked pot so I could clean my house. Loved to clean on pot. (never found anything since to help with that). I used some meth, coke, xanax, valium, you get my point. None of these were very easy to hide but I used them anyway because they "were there". In the late eighties I discovered percocet. I thought I found my dream drug. I could hide it, felt great, very up but could still sleep at night. I was in love. I continue using them on and off until 9 months ago. I was able to quit during my pregnancies but then right after the c-section went home with a nice script. It continued on and on for years. The amounts of money I spent were way over our budget. I wanted to quit but never found the right time to withdraw. It was a vicious cycle. Then my mother got colon cancer and I was the primary caretaker. Stressful job with a real job, husband and two young girls. You guessed it, more painkillers, better painkillers including dilaudid, morphine, fentanyl and mscontin. I was taking alot more than her and she was suffering pretty bad. I made a deathbed promise to take care of myself and although it took a while I did just that. Taking care of myself meant quitting the pills. (not to mention my supply of the good stuff ran out)
I started to post on here looking for support and finally did ditch the pills. Alot of people I respected here suggested NA. I was willing to do anything to stay clean this time. I started to go to NA and am now working the steps with a sponser. She is half my age and has been a really good friend to me. I can call her with anything at anytime and she understands me.
What is different this time is that I finally realize that the problem was not the alcohol, drugs, not even the very addictive mscontin. The problem is me. Many times I don't feel like going to a meeting. Some times I feel I'm in a different world with very different people than myself. However It's not very hard to find myself in almost everyone that speaks. I guess I am like them. The drugs had me hook, line and sinker. I couldn't get out of bed without a couple of pills, let alone go to work.
I just want you to consider that the disease of addiction is very sneaky. Just when you think you are doing so well, an urge hits. I can't call my husband with that info. He isn't an addict. He'll say for me to take a nap or go exercise. What works is getting to a meeting and buying another day. I usually hear enough that the urge passes.
It seems you have had your fair share of success in life. That is great. Hold on to it very tightly!
Alice
I was an excessive drinker in my teens and twenties. It wasn't all bad. Had alot of fun, travelled around, went clubbing. All the stuff I thought I should be doing. I knew, however, that I drank too much. I tried everything to control it but it never worked. I also used alot of recreational drugs in the 70's, 80's, 90's, etc. I got married to a very straight guy and figured I better slow down. I continued to go to dinner (and have a bottle of wine), have parties and get wasted. Anyway one night I almost burned the house down. I put some pizza in the oven and passed out. Woke to a house filled with smoke. I went to AA and quit. That was over 22 years ago. I tell you this because I continued with other drugs on occasion. I smoked pot so I could clean my house. Loved to clean on pot. (never found anything since to help with that). I used some meth, coke, xanax, valium, you get my point. None of these were very easy to hide but I used them anyway because they "were there". In the late eighties I discovered percocet. I thought I found my dream drug. I could hide it, felt great, very up but could still sleep at night. I was in love. I continue using them on and off until 9 months ago. I was able to quit during my pregnancies but then right after the c-section went home with a nice script. It continued on and on for years. The amounts of money I spent were way over our budget. I wanted to quit but never found the right time to withdraw. It was a vicious cycle. Then my mother got colon cancer and I was the primary caretaker. Stressful job with a real job, husband and two young girls. You guessed it, more painkillers, better painkillers including dilaudid, morphine, fentanyl and mscontin. I was taking alot more than her and she was suffering pretty bad. I made a deathbed promise to take care of myself and although it took a while I did just that. Taking care of myself meant quitting the pills. (not to mention my supply of the good stuff ran out)
I started to post on here looking for support and finally did ditch the pills. Alot of people I respected here suggested NA. I was willing to do anything to stay clean this time. I started to go to NA and am now working the steps with a sponser. She is half my age and has been a really good friend to me. I can call her with anything at anytime and she understands me.
What is different this time is that I finally realize that the problem was not the alcohol, drugs, not even the very addictive mscontin. The problem is me. Many times I don't feel like going to a meeting. Some times I feel I'm in a different world with very different people than myself. However It's not very hard to find myself in almost everyone that speaks. I guess I am like them. The drugs had me hook, line and sinker. I couldn't get out of bed without a couple of pills, let alone go to work.
I just want you to consider that the disease of addiction is very sneaky. Just when you think you are doing so well, an urge hits. I can't call my husband with that info. He isn't an addict. He'll say for me to take a nap or go exercise. What works is getting to a meeting and buying another day. I usually hear enough that the urge passes.
It seems you have had your fair share of success in life. That is great. Hold on to it very tightly!
Alice
Alice.
Wow.
Lots of info there!
Thanks for that.
I know what you mean about the sneaky part how it will sneak up on you. I mean if I go see a doc and he wants to write me a script for percocet, who am I to say no?
HOOKED!
I figured out in my twenties exactly what malady to present with and how to prove i really had it in the test (I'm not going to reveal it here). I've been to literally close to 500 doctors in several states and I have only twice not left with at least a prescription for percocette. I've had em send me home with a hypodermic filled with demerol in case I "needed it". And other more potent narcotics. Once, not too long ago, a sharp doc called the local pharmacy (they're all linked by computer now) and found out I'd filled a few hundred percs in the last few months. He confronted me and told me I was lucky he didn't call the police and have me arrested. That sucked. I've never been so embarrassed in my life. I kicked the pain pills the next day for probably the twentieth time.
I got used to it. Three days of sick and usually by day four I could drag my a** out to work. A few days later and i'd be fine. I'd go months or sometimes a year or two between binges.
But this time I got into Heroin. Huge amounts! I'm learning it's a whole different animal! It's been 14 effing days and no way can I even think of working! I can't even make out a check. A trip to the market is all I can muster at this point!
I SWEAR TO GOD, NO MORE NARCOTICS FOR THIS PUPPY!
I'm in good health, but if I go see a doctor, the first thing I'm telling the secretary is I can't take narcotics.
Life is too precious. My selfish binges were just that. No one ever knew anything. Occasionally I'd tell a friend I had the flu, but no one knew. This time EVERYONE KNOWS MARK WAS HOOKED ON HEROIN!!!! All my family, all my friends. And everyone is absolutely SHOCKED! I just today finally told my last friend that didn't know. I didn't think it fair to have others lie for me.
Of course, they all knew I got addicted to it in Thailand 34 years ago because that one hit the newspapers when they found that pure heroin for the first time in the state of Arizona! But that is ancient history.
Guess what, folks? Mark never was "cured"!!! Sure seemed like it, didn't it?
Upstanding businessman, sharp dresser, witty, fun. I'm a natural leader. When i decided to build a dune buggy and start going to the sand dunes a few years ago, eight other guys got dune buggys and we'd go with all the wifes and girlfriends and kids (20 to 30 people) with motorhomes and fifty thousand dollar dune buggys every few weeks for two years. i sold my buggy and so did everyone else. If I say i'm going to a certain bar on friday night, fifteen guys and their girlfriends and wives will show up. We'll see how things go once i'm well enough to leave the house...
I think it just adds a little "character" to me. lol kinda like a tattoo. Right?
Only thing is, am I "cured"? It's easy to sit here drug sick and say never again.
But I've said that before. Many times. Every time, I think......................
I hate the thought that I'm so weak that I need a "sponsor" to save my weak a** from myself! I'd rather poke my eyes out.
Ideally, I'll find a lover that understands and we can gain strength from each other and grow old together in love! Now that I could live with. Where do you suppose I would go to find such a person?
Lord, deliver me what I need, you know I deserve it. Amen
Mark
Wow.
Lots of info there!
Thanks for that.
I know what you mean about the sneaky part how it will sneak up on you. I mean if I go see a doc and he wants to write me a script for percocet, who am I to say no?
HOOKED!
I figured out in my twenties exactly what malady to present with and how to prove i really had it in the test (I'm not going to reveal it here). I've been to literally close to 500 doctors in several states and I have only twice not left with at least a prescription for percocette. I've had em send me home with a hypodermic filled with demerol in case I "needed it". And other more potent narcotics. Once, not too long ago, a sharp doc called the local pharmacy (they're all linked by computer now) and found out I'd filled a few hundred percs in the last few months. He confronted me and told me I was lucky he didn't call the police and have me arrested. That sucked. I've never been so embarrassed in my life. I kicked the pain pills the next day for probably the twentieth time.
I got used to it. Three days of sick and usually by day four I could drag my a** out to work. A few days later and i'd be fine. I'd go months or sometimes a year or two between binges.
But this time I got into Heroin. Huge amounts! I'm learning it's a whole different animal! It's been 14 effing days and no way can I even think of working! I can't even make out a check. A trip to the market is all I can muster at this point!
I SWEAR TO GOD, NO MORE NARCOTICS FOR THIS PUPPY!
I'm in good health, but if I go see a doctor, the first thing I'm telling the secretary is I can't take narcotics.
Life is too precious. My selfish binges were just that. No one ever knew anything. Occasionally I'd tell a friend I had the flu, but no one knew. This time EVERYONE KNOWS MARK WAS HOOKED ON HEROIN!!!! All my family, all my friends. And everyone is absolutely SHOCKED! I just today finally told my last friend that didn't know. I didn't think it fair to have others lie for me.
Of course, they all knew I got addicted to it in Thailand 34 years ago because that one hit the newspapers when they found that pure heroin for the first time in the state of Arizona! But that is ancient history.
Guess what, folks? Mark never was "cured"!!! Sure seemed like it, didn't it?
Upstanding businessman, sharp dresser, witty, fun. I'm a natural leader. When i decided to build a dune buggy and start going to the sand dunes a few years ago, eight other guys got dune buggys and we'd go with all the wifes and girlfriends and kids (20 to 30 people) with motorhomes and fifty thousand dollar dune buggys every few weeks for two years. i sold my buggy and so did everyone else. If I say i'm going to a certain bar on friday night, fifteen guys and their girlfriends and wives will show up. We'll see how things go once i'm well enough to leave the house...
I think it just adds a little "character" to me. lol kinda like a tattoo. Right?
Only thing is, am I "cured"? It's easy to sit here drug sick and say never again.
But I've said that before. Many times. Every time, I think......................
I hate the thought that I'm so weak that I need a "sponsor" to save my weak a** from myself! I'd rather poke my eyes out.
Ideally, I'll find a lover that understands and we can gain strength from each other and grow old together in love! Now that I could live with. Where do you suppose I would go to find such a person?
Lord, deliver me what I need, you know I deserve it. Amen
Mark
xxx = hugs ooo = kisses Right?
Awoke this mornin and came out here expectin a reply - Nuthin. I'm such a child! Day 15 feeling good. Guess I'll keep my yap shut for a while.
Mark
Mark
Hi Todd.I'm from the PP board and someone had posted a thread on there to read this topic.You sound like you've lived quite a life already and congratulations on being clean off heroin.
I'm an opiate addict and it really doesn't matter what your DOC is.In fact OxyContin is simply high grade heroin in a pill.I injected and snorted them and I actually found them to be better than any heroin I had done.If I had a contact for good heroin,I would have switched because the Oxy's were so expensive.
As Alice mentioned none of our problems are really about substances.I am also a member of NA but I'm not posting that to push it down your throat.The truth of the matter is that there has to not only be a physical change but an emotional and spiritual one a well.Getting clean is the easy part.I found the 12 steps of recovery and a great therapist helped me get to the core issues of why I was always looking outside myself to feel better.It can be sex,booze,drugs,gambling fill in the __________.However you get there is your choice.If nothing changes though,nothing changes.
I do know from personal experience that unless you clean up the inside,you will find some other way to escape.I was clean and sober one time for over 7 years and was quite successful,handsome,had the best clothes,drove a nice car,had a great business going and had all the sex I ever wanted.I made some meetings the first few years but as far as doing the steps,getting a sponsor and working with others.......I though that was all a rather plebian way to live and for other people.I was a self centered,egotistical shell that looked good from the outside but was dying slowly on the inside.It wasn't long before I found that opiates killed all that pain.
Today,I have a modest home,single,drive a used car and have to make sure I keep my check book balanced to the letter.I struggle financially at times and certainly don't live beyond my means....and I am more content than I have ever been in my life.
I enjoy surfing,running with my dog,art and things I used to think were just simple and insignificant.I've learned to be comfortable with myself.This didn't come overnight or by osmosis.I've had to do a lot of work on changing the way I think.
Addiction happens long before it happens.Unless there is a spiritual transformation of some kind and getting to the root of the problem,one could still stay dry for many years but I think we all are looking for the same thing.That feeling of happiness and contentment when we can be with ourselves.
Best of luck to you.
I'm an opiate addict and it really doesn't matter what your DOC is.In fact OxyContin is simply high grade heroin in a pill.I injected and snorted them and I actually found them to be better than any heroin I had done.If I had a contact for good heroin,I would have switched because the Oxy's were so expensive.
As Alice mentioned none of our problems are really about substances.I am also a member of NA but I'm not posting that to push it down your throat.The truth of the matter is that there has to not only be a physical change but an emotional and spiritual one a well.Getting clean is the easy part.I found the 12 steps of recovery and a great therapist helped me get to the core issues of why I was always looking outside myself to feel better.It can be sex,booze,drugs,gambling fill in the __________.However you get there is your choice.If nothing changes though,nothing changes.
I do know from personal experience that unless you clean up the inside,you will find some other way to escape.I was clean and sober one time for over 7 years and was quite successful,handsome,had the best clothes,drove a nice car,had a great business going and had all the sex I ever wanted.I made some meetings the first few years but as far as doing the steps,getting a sponsor and working with others.......I though that was all a rather plebian way to live and for other people.I was a self centered,egotistical shell that looked good from the outside but was dying slowly on the inside.It wasn't long before I found that opiates killed all that pain.
Today,I have a modest home,single,drive a used car and have to make sure I keep my check book balanced to the letter.I struggle financially at times and certainly don't live beyond my means....and I am more content than I have ever been in my life.
I enjoy surfing,running with my dog,art and things I used to think were just simple and insignificant.I've learned to be comfortable with myself.This didn't come overnight or by osmosis.I've had to do a lot of work on changing the way I think.
Addiction happens long before it happens.Unless there is a spiritual transformation of some kind and getting to the root of the problem,one could still stay dry for many years but I think we all are looking for the same thing.That feeling of happiness and contentment when we can be with ourselves.
Best of luck to you.
Tim,
Thanks for that bit of wisdom.
I know every word you say is true.
I'm still drug sick, but on a deep inner search this time. I DO KNOW I have to change at the core. I kind of feel it happening...
The book helps me.
I am going to an na meeting or two just because... when I can get about.
We'll see how it goes. I know what you mean about wanting my life back without narcotics. And the beauty of small things.
Lord help me find the way, Amen
Mark
Thanks for that bit of wisdom.
I know every word you say is true.
I'm still drug sick, but on a deep inner search this time. I DO KNOW I have to change at the core. I kind of feel it happening...
The book helps me.
I am going to an na meeting or two just because... when I can get about.
We'll see how it goes. I know what you mean about wanting my life back without narcotics. And the beauty of small things.
Lord help me find the way, Amen
Mark
