Stacey...I gotta say YUP you hit it.As long as I was doing for others I didnt need to address my own issues so I totally get that.Im learning & probaly will keep learning....I can do both.I can be the person I truley am (as I enjoy trying to help others)yet now Im also looking at myself through clear eyes & taking care of me too.And NOT running & numbing my pain & other stuff.,,,
Jodigirl believe me I can totally get what your saying,& its taken me time too but it does happen.jodigirl I know the beautiful woman you are & you will get to the point of believing that too huny.Every word you write to me proves you are someone who was born with all these wonderful giving things inside & drugs or no drugs thats a gift.My hope is that someday(like me)you can see for yourself just how special you are....
mollygirl....lollo
That kind of wraps up exactly how I was to and can still be if I don't work on my recovery daily...I still have my character defects and they are a part of me, and there are times when they start to surface and I start questioning things and realize some feelings are starting to surface that need addressed....
And, back in active addiction, I too couldn't understand why the utility companies couldn't wait yet another payday for their money...lol....
And, back in active addiction, I too couldn't understand why the utility companies couldn't wait yet another payday for their money...lol....
I think that we would all like to think that we wouldn't sink so low as to not actually love or care about our loved ones when we were in active addiction. Unfortunately, it's exactly that for the majority. Most won't admit it until they get clean and sober. I fought the idea that that was me...my kids never went hungry, I worked in society, I took care of my parents. But just how dead inside was I?
Sure feels different now.
Sure feels different now.
I can try to think of it in an easier softer way that I wasn't a bad mom. I was there I worked full time we owned a home and I bought them clothes and food that they did not go with out. But the hard cold truth was. How could I be there for them when my emotions were not existant. I have to face the fact that during my active addiction I was as far from a good mom as I could be regardless of the "things" that I was doing "for them" Usually it was self seeking inside. I was working full time so I could support my addiction first. If my true motives were known. It's a fact I can look back on now..but I cannot stare. I am learning that here. I did that but that is not who I am it doesn't define me. What defines me is that I had the problem and now I am trying to live the solution. And in turn show my kids a better way of life.
Love,
Jane
Love,
Jane
Kat states-So what if people hid their medication when I came over?
LMAO.........You too huh?
I would purposely and enthusiasticly accept social invitations to the houses I knew were stocked.I would not be too greedy and would always assume they would never know.........hah......Not only did I get blackballed but the few people who did invite me made sure they cleaned out the medicine cabinents.
Humiliating? Oh yes,but it sure as hell didn't stop me.
I even had a close friend who had a hernia operation that I volunteered to take care of him with his aftercare.I unselfishly gave of my time.
I knew he would get something good.I gave him regular tylenol as I took all his percocet.When he started complaining that he was in pain,I told him to call the doctor and ask for something stronger.
I made ammends on that one.Very embarrasing.
LMAO.........You too huh?
I would purposely and enthusiasticly accept social invitations to the houses I knew were stocked.I would not be too greedy and would always assume they would never know.........hah......Not only did I get blackballed but the few people who did invite me made sure they cleaned out the medicine cabinents.
Humiliating? Oh yes,but it sure as hell didn't stop me.
I even had a close friend who had a hernia operation that I volunteered to take care of him with his aftercare.I unselfishly gave of my time.
I knew he would get something good.I gave him regular tylenol as I took all his percocet.When he started complaining that he was in pain,I told him to call the doctor and ask for something stronger.
I made ammends on that one.Very embarrasing.
Wow Tim and here I thought I was so unique.
Every time my mom had to have a surgery, and she's had a few, I was right there offering to take care of her. Because that's what good daughter's do. I even let them say bad things about my siblings because they never step up to help. I wouldn't let them help, they might catch on that I was taking her meds. I did the same thing with switching pills. I would find tylenol that looked like percocet. I did it to my son when he had his wisdom teeth pulled. I justified it because I didn't want him to get addicted. How sick is that? I let my child be in pain. That one took a long time to come to terms with, although I'll never be ok with it.
Every time my mom had to have a surgery, and she's had a few, I was right there offering to take care of her. Because that's what good daughter's do. I even let them say bad things about my siblings because they never step up to help. I wouldn't let them help, they might catch on that I was taking her meds. I did the same thing with switching pills. I would find tylenol that looked like percocet. I did it to my son when he had his wisdom teeth pulled. I justified it because I didn't want him to get addicted. How sick is that? I let my child be in pain. That one took a long time to come to terms with, although I'll never be ok with it.
LOL Tim. My mother used to hide her valium from me when I came over. Of course, I was too selfish to be embarassed. I just took it as normal. But when my alcoholic BIL started stealing them and I got blamed for it, that's when I took offense. LOL But I was offended because she hid them from me and left them out for him. Something good came out of it though. When she saw what I went thru with the xan w/d she got off the valium.
I guess what it was is the pills made all the fear go away. I wasnt scared of losing, I wasnt scared of being hurt..........I was fearless, except when it came to the pills running out. That scared the Sh** out of me.
I did have feelings, very strong ones, at times I felt like superwoman, but were those feelings real? I dont know. They felt real.
I guess at first I thought that I had finally found something that made the "real me" come out. I remember thinking I could do anything with my life. But in reality it went downhill without my even noticing.
Now on sub, those feelings dont come so much, I have fear fear fear of everything. All the unknowns.
I am rambling, and sorry if none of this makes sense.
I did have feelings, very strong ones, at times I felt like superwoman, but were those feelings real? I dont know. They felt real.
I guess at first I thought that I had finally found something that made the "real me" come out. I remember thinking I could do anything with my life. But in reality it went downhill without my even noticing.
Now on sub, those feelings dont come so much, I have fear fear fear of everything. All the unknowns.
I am rambling, and sorry if none of this makes sense.
I hear you Lisa.That's a tough one.
That's one of the reasons why we have the 7th step.After writing all that down you have to give it to someone who does forgive you.
There are some people I have harmed that will never forgive me and it does hurt.
All we can do today is try and live differently.
BTW.......I'm sending my sister a Christmas card.The first one I've sent in over 10 years.It's a start.
Later
That's one of the reasons why we have the 7th step.After writing all that down you have to give it to someone who does forgive you.
There are some people I have harmed that will never forgive me and it does hurt.
All we can do today is try and live differently.
BTW.......I'm sending my sister a Christmas card.The first one I've sent in over 10 years.It's a start.
Later
It is a start Tim. And I'm proud of you.
That one took a long time to come to terms with, although I'll never be ok with it. - Well said Cow Girl as usual.
Ah yes all of this rings true...LOL way too true.
Ah yes all of this rings true...LOL way too true.
I grew up with an alcoholic/addict father. When people are in denial and think that they are not that bad, because just look at so and so. Well, so and so was my dad. I'm not sure he could have pushed his addiction any further and still be alive. He fit most of the stereotypes of someone who was a hopeless drunk. His addiction ruled our lives.
He has been clean and sober for almost 12 years now. He got sober when I was 18. So my entire childhood, I had a dad who was drunk and stoned most of the time.
Through it all, there was never a time that I felt unloved. He always made us know he loved us, and he was always remorseful and guilt-ridden because of the things he did. Or, didn't do...like come home for Christmas or keep a job, etc.
I can't say I was never hurt by this, but I never felt unloved, ever. So, I know for a fact that people in active addiction can love and care, and that they don't use everyone. We were never "tools" for him, although I'm sure others were. He was just about as bad as a person can get, but not much of "Jon's" story applies in his case.
He never stopped apologizing and he never stopped trying to get sober. When he would get sober, he did everything in his power to try and make up for what he did while he was drunk. He finally got out, finally made it.
I still feel lucky to have a dad who loves me so much, and I have never felt any other way.
He has been clean and sober for almost 12 years now. He got sober when I was 18. So my entire childhood, I had a dad who was drunk and stoned most of the time.
Through it all, there was never a time that I felt unloved. He always made us know he loved us, and he was always remorseful and guilt-ridden because of the things he did. Or, didn't do...like come home for Christmas or keep a job, etc.
I can't say I was never hurt by this, but I never felt unloved, ever. So, I know for a fact that people in active addiction can love and care, and that they don't use everyone. We were never "tools" for him, although I'm sure others were. He was just about as bad as a person can get, but not much of "Jon's" story applies in his case.
He never stopped apologizing and he never stopped trying to get sober. When he would get sober, he did everything in his power to try and make up for what he did while he was drunk. He finally got out, finally made it.
I still feel lucky to have a dad who loves me so much, and I have never felt any other way.
Java quotes- "guess what it was is the pills made all the fear go away"
Yeah ,but the real b*tch is that it didn't go away.You just kept stuffing it.
Feelings are the worst things for addicts to confront early on or even later for that matter.
I know this gets a lot of milage but I fall back on it everytime"The only thing you have to change when you get sober is everything"
My maturity level was severly stunted.I am learning to grow up again.
Do you remeber how impatient you were as a teen to grow up?
I think its the same way in recovery.It seems like it takes forever.
But if we worry about that too much,we miss the NOW.....or we miss what it's like to be a child again.
Yeah ,but the real b*tch is that it didn't go away.You just kept stuffing it.
Feelings are the worst things for addicts to confront early on or even later for that matter.
I know this gets a lot of milage but I fall back on it everytime"The only thing you have to change when you get sober is everything"
My maturity level was severly stunted.I am learning to grow up again.
Do you remeber how impatient you were as a teen to grow up?
I think its the same way in recovery.It seems like it takes forever.
But if we worry about that too much,we miss the NOW.....or we miss what it's like to be a child again.
There are some people I have harmed that will never forgive me and it does hurt.
All we can do today is try and live differently.
So tell me, does there come a day when the hurt doesn't hurt anymore?
All we can do today is try and live differently.
So tell me, does there come a day when the hurt doesn't hurt anymore?
Thank you so much for your response Tim, It means alot........
I hear what you are saying as well......
and you are right it is all still there.
Feelings are such a scary thing, when they have been numbed for so long.
I always remind myself of the "me" before the pills. I didnt even know what the word "vicoden" was.............but yet I was happy, healthy, all those things.......
I actually get jealous of people who havent had a problem with it.........or who can take or leave pills..........
God, I wish I could of done that.
Anyway, Thanks so much. Hugs.
I hear what you are saying as well......
and you are right it is all still there.
Feelings are such a scary thing, when they have been numbed for so long.
I always remind myself of the "me" before the pills. I didnt even know what the word "vicoden" was.............but yet I was happy, healthy, all those things.......
I actually get jealous of people who havent had a problem with it.........or who can take or leave pills..........
God, I wish I could of done that.
Anyway, Thanks so much. Hugs.
Stacey asks-So tell me, does there come a day when the hurt doesn't hurt anymore?
.......when you're dead.
In a way it's a good thing that we hurt.It means our feelings are working.
Recovery is not always fun.I still think it's a better party than the one I was at.LOL
.......when you're dead.
In a way it's a good thing that we hurt.It means our feelings are working.
Recovery is not always fun.I still think it's a better party than the one I was at.LOL
Atlas-Thanks for sharing that. A fresh perspective.
Love,
Jane
Love,
Jane
Then the answer I am looking so hard for right now is acceptance of what is, is....
You know Tim, I sure like your honesty....another one of your sayings has been circling by brain this morning...to thy ownself be true......
You know Tim, I sure like your honesty....another one of your sayings has been circling by brain this morning...to thy ownself be true......
Tim did you just read what you said....
When you are dead.....
Oh that so sucks, and isn't true....In some ways in my twisted thinking pattern that looks like a set up, a way to say see how evil, bad, whatever I was, see what I deserve no forgiveness.....I hope no one goes there.
Stacey, you asked something that everyone deals with, where we hurt another, where we tried to make it right and make amends but it isn't taken, there is no fogiveness show. Are we deserving of that forgiveness, who knows, it really doesn't matter in the end.....
And it hurts when we aren't and it hurts us to see what we did, how could we, look what became of.....
Why wouldn't it hurt, we see where we screwed up bad, where we ripped out maybe the hearts of those who were so important to us. Now we can't get it back, can't fix it.
But that hurt doesn't have to be there forever, you can let go and forgive yourself. And I sure as hell hope you can find that for you before death. There are things that serve no purpose to carry around for to long.
Tim you really blew me away with that one....
To feel that hurt is one thing, to stay trapped in pain long after the fact unable to forgive yourself at some point ( learn for it all ), or understand that in the end it doesn't matter if you were forgiven as it wasn't up to you to decide, is insane, and unhealthy
Just my opinion...
Love,
Tina
When you are dead.....
Oh that so sucks, and isn't true....In some ways in my twisted thinking pattern that looks like a set up, a way to say see how evil, bad, whatever I was, see what I deserve no forgiveness.....I hope no one goes there.
Stacey, you asked something that everyone deals with, where we hurt another, where we tried to make it right and make amends but it isn't taken, there is no fogiveness show. Are we deserving of that forgiveness, who knows, it really doesn't matter in the end.....
And it hurts when we aren't and it hurts us to see what we did, how could we, look what became of.....
Why wouldn't it hurt, we see where we screwed up bad, where we ripped out maybe the hearts of those who were so important to us. Now we can't get it back, can't fix it.
But that hurt doesn't have to be there forever, you can let go and forgive yourself. And I sure as hell hope you can find that for you before death. There are things that serve no purpose to carry around for to long.
Tim you really blew me away with that one....
To feel that hurt is one thing, to stay trapped in pain long after the fact unable to forgive yourself at some point ( learn for it all ), or understand that in the end it doesn't matter if you were forgiven as it wasn't up to you to decide, is insane, and unhealthy
Just my opinion...
Love,
Tina
Stace
The things that hurt me in early recovery don't hurt me now. Working the steps helped me with that one. I made the amends I could. I forgave myself. It doesn't matter what others think. I needed self forgiveness for the peace I was seeking. Accepting that I can't change what I did was also important. All I can do is make sure the unacceptable behavior isn't repeated. That is really the only way to make amends. Saying I'm sorry doesn't mean squat if I continue to do the same things over and over. Neither do my intentions. I can not intend to hurt someone but if my actions still hurt then they still hurt. No one cares what I intended to do. I have options today. I can beat myself up for what I did in active addiction or I can get on with my life and let it go. I have learned from the mistakes I made. I don't repeat them.
I think it's time you email me, missy. What's going on today?
The things that hurt me in early recovery don't hurt me now. Working the steps helped me with that one. I made the amends I could. I forgave myself. It doesn't matter what others think. I needed self forgiveness for the peace I was seeking. Accepting that I can't change what I did was also important. All I can do is make sure the unacceptable behavior isn't repeated. That is really the only way to make amends. Saying I'm sorry doesn't mean squat if I continue to do the same things over and over. Neither do my intentions. I can not intend to hurt someone but if my actions still hurt then they still hurt. No one cares what I intended to do. I have options today. I can beat myself up for what I did in active addiction or I can get on with my life and let it go. I have learned from the mistakes I made. I don't repeat them.
I think it's time you email me, missy. What's going on today?
