my desire in this thread is to foster some discussion regarding the first three steps. below is a brief description of the step study i will be posting from narcotics anonymous.
please remember - this is a "we" program and your thoughts/ideas/input is much needed.
thanks for letting me share.
love -
sammy
_____________
The Narcotics Anonymous Step Working Guides
This is NA Fellowship-approved literature
Copyright 1998, World Service Office, Inc. Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Preface
The idea for this piece of literature came from the Narcotics Anonymous Fellowship itself. Beginning in the early 1980s, we began receiving Twelve Step guides and step worksheets along with requests that we develop a standard set of guides for the NA Fellowship to use in working through the Twelve Steps. Fellowship demand propelled this project up the NA World Service Conference Literature Committee's priority wordlists, and finally resulted in the World Service Conference directing the WSCLC to go ahead with the project at WSC'95.
The working title for this project for many years was the "Step Writing Guides." However, we recognized that the word "writing" imposed a limitation on members who may be unable to write or may choose not to use writing as the means for working the Twelve Steps. Therefore, the title became the Step Working Guides.
Each chapter includes both narrative and questions. The narrative is meant to provoke thought about the questions, but is not meant to be comprehensive. There is a difference in "voice" between the narrative and the questions. The narrative is written in the "we" voice in order to promote unity about what we all have in common: our addiction and recovery. The questions are written in the individual "I" voice so that each member using these guides can personalize the work. The Step Working Guides is a companion piece to It Works: How and Why. Thorough discussion of each of the Twelve Steps is contained in that work. Additional information about NA recovery can be found in other NA literature. If we find that any of the terms used in this book are unfamiliar, we should feel free to make use of a dictionary.
These guides are meant to be used by NA members at any stage of recovery, whether it's our first time through the steps or we've been living with the steps as our guiding force for many years. This book is intentionally written to be relevant to newcomers and to help more experienced members develop a deeper understanding of the Twelve Steps. As NA grows in numbers, in diversity, and in strength and longevity of clean time, we need literature that will continue to serve the needs of the fellowship1 literature that "grows" along with the fellowship.
However, as open and inclusive as we tried to be when writing these guides, we realized that we would never be able to write something that captured every member's experience with the steps. In fact, we wouldn't have tried to do that, even if we thought it were possible. This book contains guides to working the Twelve Steps toward recovery; it does not contain recovery itself. Recovery is ultimately found in each member's personal experience with working the steps. You can add to these guides, delete from them, or use them as they are. It's your choice.
There's probably only one inappropriate way to use these guides: alone. We can't overemphasize the importance of working with a sponsor in working the steps. In fact, in our fellowship, a sponsor is considered, first and foremost, a guide through the Twelve Steps. If you haven't yet asked someone to sponsor you, please do so before beginning these guides.
Merely reading all the available information about any of the Twelve Steps will never be sufficient to bring about a true change in our lives and freedom from our disease. It's our goal to make the steps part of who we are. To do that, we have to work them. Hence, the Step Working Guides.
Like every piece of NA literature, this was written by addicts for addicts. We hope that every member who uses this book will be encouraged and inspired. We are grateful to have been given the opportunity to participate in this project. Thank you for allowing us to be of service.
WSC Literature Committee
let's take this one idea at a time. anybody have anything to share about the disease of addiction and denial?
Step One
"We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable."
A "first" of anything is a beginning, and so it is with the steps: The First Step is the beginning of the recovery process. The healing starts here; we can't go any further until we've worked this step.
Some NA members "feel" their way through the First Step1 by intuition; others choose to work Step One in a more systematic fashion. Our reasons for formally working Step One will vary from member to member. It may be that we're new to recovery, and we've just fought-and lost-an exhausting battle with drugs. It may be that we've been around awhile, abstinent from drugs, but we've discovered that our disease has become active in some other area of our lives, forcing us to face our powerlessness and the unmanageability of our lives once again. Not every act of growth is motivated by pain; it may just be time to cycle through the steps again1 thus beginning the next stage of our never-ending journey of recovery.
Some of us find a measure of comfort in realizing that a disease, not a moral failing, has caused us to reach this bottom. Others don't really care what the cause has been-we just want out!
Whatever the case, it's time to do some step work: to engage in some concrete activity that will help us find more freedom from our addiction, whatever shape it is currently taking. Our hope is to internalize the principles of Step One, to deepen our surrender, to make the principles of acceptance, humility, willingness, honesty, and open-mindedness a fundamental part of who we are.
First, we must arrive at a point of surrender. There are many different ways to do this. For some of us, the road we traveled getting to the First Step was more than enough to convince us that unconditional surrender was our only option. Others start this process even though we're not entirely convinced that we're addicts or that we've really hit bottom. Only in working the First Step do we truly come to realize that we are addicts, that we have hit bottom, and that we must surrender.
Before we begin working the First Step, we must become abstinent-whatever it takes. If we're new in Narcotics Anonymous and our First Step is primarily about looking at the effects of drug addiction in our lives, we need to get clean. If we've been clean awhile and our First Step is about our powerlessness over some other behavior that's made our lives unmanageable, we need to find a way to stop the behavior so that our surrender isn't clouded by continued acting out.
The disease of addiction
What makes us addicts is the disease of addiction-not the drugs, not our behavior, but our disease. There is something within us that makes us unable to control our use of drugs. This same "something" also makes us prone to obsession and compulsion in other areas of our lives. How can we tell when our disease is active? When we become trapped in obsessive, compulsive, self-centered routines, endless loops that lead nowhere but to physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional decay.
What does "the disease of addiction" mean to me?
Has my disease been active recently? In what way?
==> What is it like when I'm obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern? Describe.
==> When a thought occurs to me, do I immediately act on it without considering the consequences? In what other ways do I behave compulsively?
==> How does the self-centered part of my disease affect my life and the lives of those around me?
==> How has my disease affected me physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Emotionally?
Our addiction can manifest itself in a variety of ways. When we first come to Narcotics Anonymous, our problem will, of course, be drugs. Later on, we may find out that addiction is wreaking havoc in our lives in any number of ways.
==> What is the specific way in which my addiction has been manifesting itself most recently?
==> Have I been obsessed with a person, place, or thing? If so, how has that gotten in the way of my relationships with others? How else have I been affected mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally by this obsession?
Denial
Denial is the part of our disease that tells us we don't have a disease. When we are in denial, we are unable to see the reality of our addiction. We minimize its effect. We blame others, citing the too-high expectations of families, friends, and employers. We compare ourselves with other addicts whose addiction seems "worse" than our own. We may blame one particular drug. If we have been abstinent from drugs for some time, we might compare the current manifestation of our addiction with our drug use, rationalizing that nothing we do today could possibly be as bad as that was! One of the easiest ways to tell that we are in denial is when we find ourselves giving plausible but untrue reasons for our behavior.
==> Have I given plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior? What have they been?
==> Have I compulsively acted on an obsession, and then acted as if I had actually planned to act that way? When were those times?
How have I blamed other people for my behavior?
==> How have I compared my addiction with others' addiction? Is my addiction "bad enough" if I don't compare it to anyone else's?
==> Am I comparing a current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before I got clean? Am I plagued by the idea that I should know better?
==> Have I been thinking that I have enough information about addiction and recovery to get my behavior under control before it gets out of hand?
==> Am I avoiding action because I'm afraid I will be ashamed when I face the results of my addiction? Am I avoiding action because I'm worried about what others will think?
Step One
"We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable."
A "first" of anything is a beginning, and so it is with the steps: The First Step is the beginning of the recovery process. The healing starts here; we can't go any further until we've worked this step.
Some NA members "feel" their way through the First Step1 by intuition; others choose to work Step One in a more systematic fashion. Our reasons for formally working Step One will vary from member to member. It may be that we're new to recovery, and we've just fought-and lost-an exhausting battle with drugs. It may be that we've been around awhile, abstinent from drugs, but we've discovered that our disease has become active in some other area of our lives, forcing us to face our powerlessness and the unmanageability of our lives once again. Not every act of growth is motivated by pain; it may just be time to cycle through the steps again1 thus beginning the next stage of our never-ending journey of recovery.
Some of us find a measure of comfort in realizing that a disease, not a moral failing, has caused us to reach this bottom. Others don't really care what the cause has been-we just want out!
Whatever the case, it's time to do some step work: to engage in some concrete activity that will help us find more freedom from our addiction, whatever shape it is currently taking. Our hope is to internalize the principles of Step One, to deepen our surrender, to make the principles of acceptance, humility, willingness, honesty, and open-mindedness a fundamental part of who we are.
First, we must arrive at a point of surrender. There are many different ways to do this. For some of us, the road we traveled getting to the First Step was more than enough to convince us that unconditional surrender was our only option. Others start this process even though we're not entirely convinced that we're addicts or that we've really hit bottom. Only in working the First Step do we truly come to realize that we are addicts, that we have hit bottom, and that we must surrender.
Before we begin working the First Step, we must become abstinent-whatever it takes. If we're new in Narcotics Anonymous and our First Step is primarily about looking at the effects of drug addiction in our lives, we need to get clean. If we've been clean awhile and our First Step is about our powerlessness over some other behavior that's made our lives unmanageable, we need to find a way to stop the behavior so that our surrender isn't clouded by continued acting out.
The disease of addiction
What makes us addicts is the disease of addiction-not the drugs, not our behavior, but our disease. There is something within us that makes us unable to control our use of drugs. This same "something" also makes us prone to obsession and compulsion in other areas of our lives. How can we tell when our disease is active? When we become trapped in obsessive, compulsive, self-centered routines, endless loops that lead nowhere but to physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional decay.
What does "the disease of addiction" mean to me?
Has my disease been active recently? In what way?
==> What is it like when I'm obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern? Describe.
==> When a thought occurs to me, do I immediately act on it without considering the consequences? In what other ways do I behave compulsively?
==> How does the self-centered part of my disease affect my life and the lives of those around me?
==> How has my disease affected me physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Emotionally?
Our addiction can manifest itself in a variety of ways. When we first come to Narcotics Anonymous, our problem will, of course, be drugs. Later on, we may find out that addiction is wreaking havoc in our lives in any number of ways.
==> What is the specific way in which my addiction has been manifesting itself most recently?
==> Have I been obsessed with a person, place, or thing? If so, how has that gotten in the way of my relationships with others? How else have I been affected mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally by this obsession?
Denial
Denial is the part of our disease that tells us we don't have a disease. When we are in denial, we are unable to see the reality of our addiction. We minimize its effect. We blame others, citing the too-high expectations of families, friends, and employers. We compare ourselves with other addicts whose addiction seems "worse" than our own. We may blame one particular drug. If we have been abstinent from drugs for some time, we might compare the current manifestation of our addiction with our drug use, rationalizing that nothing we do today could possibly be as bad as that was! One of the easiest ways to tell that we are in denial is when we find ourselves giving plausible but untrue reasons for our behavior.
==> Have I given plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior? What have they been?
==> Have I compulsively acted on an obsession, and then acted as if I had actually planned to act that way? When were those times?
How have I blamed other people for my behavior?
==> How have I compared my addiction with others' addiction? Is my addiction "bad enough" if I don't compare it to anyone else's?
==> Am I comparing a current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before I got clean? Am I plagued by the idea that I should know better?
==> Have I been thinking that I have enough information about addiction and recovery to get my behavior under control before it gets out of hand?
==> Am I avoiding action because I'm afraid I will be ashamed when I face the results of my addiction? Am I avoiding action because I'm worried about what others will think?
Sammy,
Hi, although I don't care for the NA meetings, I do like the readings. My wife has the Basic Text and it's a good book. Thankyou for the posts.
Take care...............................God bless.........................................Bob
Hi, although I don't care for the NA meetings, I do like the readings. My wife has the Basic Text and it's a good book. Thankyou for the posts.
Take care...............................God bless.........................................Bob
i understand what you are saying, dear friend.
so what do you think - anything you can share on denial?
your experience, strength, and hope is so needed here.
love ya -
sammy
so what do you think - anything you can share on denial?
your experience, strength, and hope is so needed here.
love ya -
sammy
Hi sammy,
I lived in denial for years and to some extent still do. I still have behavior problems that I need to work on, I know I need work on them because I often try to justify my actions or reactions. If I think I'm right about a particular subject thats fine, but if I feel the need to try and justify it, then I have to ask myself why. I oddly enough was never really in denial about being an alcoholic or an addict. I always knew I had a problem. I did years ago compare myself to others and although knowing I had a problem I wasn't "that bad". Denial for me goes hand in hand with foolish pride. I think when we try to make people including ourselves see us in one way and know in our heats we're not like that at all, this is denial. And not admitting it is foolish pride and thats what keeps us sick and thats what will take us out every time. And it all, to me, equals fear!
I could go on and on but I'm already border line rambling! lol
Take care.................................God bless..........................................Bob
I lived in denial for years and to some extent still do. I still have behavior problems that I need to work on, I know I need work on them because I often try to justify my actions or reactions. If I think I'm right about a particular subject thats fine, but if I feel the need to try and justify it, then I have to ask myself why. I oddly enough was never really in denial about being an alcoholic or an addict. I always knew I had a problem. I did years ago compare myself to others and although knowing I had a problem I wasn't "that bad". Denial for me goes hand in hand with foolish pride. I think when we try to make people including ourselves see us in one way and know in our heats we're not like that at all, this is denial. And not admitting it is foolish pride and thats what keeps us sick and thats what will take us out every time. And it all, to me, equals fear!
I could go on and on but I'm already border line rambling! lol
Take care.................................God bless..........................................Bob
Ya' got me thinkin' now! lol
Denial when I think about it wow, I can remember denying how unmanagable my life was when I was in active addiction. We looked good, our kids were well dressed and our home was always nice. As long as things looked good than everything was fine. It was ok to spend the bill money on drugs even put it in the budget! It was ok to pay the rent late etc. etc. I don't know how many times I said look at us and our home we're ok! Thats just a small example of how denial is used by so many of us. Just like meetings is a tool to help us stay clean, denial is a tool that helps us believe we're ok. Denial, what a good topic!
And don't try to deny that I'm right!! lol
Take care.......................................................Bob
Denial when I think about it wow, I can remember denying how unmanagable my life was when I was in active addiction. We looked good, our kids were well dressed and our home was always nice. As long as things looked good than everything was fine. It was ok to spend the bill money on drugs even put it in the budget! It was ok to pay the rent late etc. etc. I don't know how many times I said look at us and our home we're ok! Thats just a small example of how denial is used by so many of us. Just like meetings is a tool to help us stay clean, denial is a tool that helps us believe we're ok. Denial, what a good topic!
And don't try to deny that I'm right!! lol
Take care.......................................................Bob
bob! i love you to pieces!
my gosh - how many times did i say to myself - look around, look at all these "things" you have - you're not rolling in the bottom with what i perceived to be the druggies and alkies of the world - you have the house on the hill sammy, the two cars in the garage, nice clothes, blah blah blah - you can't be that bad? my perception of the druggie - alkie were those who were living under the bridge - warming their hands over a trash barrel with a fire blazing from it - diving in dumpsters for their next meals. i was really good at minimizing this disease - rationalizing. i would go for days/weeks on end and not use and convince myself that i was not an addict, because i thought that an addict was a person that had to have their next fix every single second of the day. little did i realize at the time this thing called progression. but by golly me - put me in the face of a pill - regardless of the fact if it was my drug or choice or not, and i was complused to use it.
oh bob - i think you are onto something here.
please write more. everyone - please write about your denial.
hugs all around -
sammy
my gosh - how many times did i say to myself - look around, look at all these "things" you have - you're not rolling in the bottom with what i perceived to be the druggies and alkies of the world - you have the house on the hill sammy, the two cars in the garage, nice clothes, blah blah blah - you can't be that bad? my perception of the druggie - alkie were those who were living under the bridge - warming their hands over a trash barrel with a fire blazing from it - diving in dumpsters for their next meals. i was really good at minimizing this disease - rationalizing. i would go for days/weeks on end and not use and convince myself that i was not an addict, because i thought that an addict was a person that had to have their next fix every single second of the day. little did i realize at the time this thing called progression. but by golly me - put me in the face of a pill - regardless of the fact if it was my drug or choice or not, and i was complused to use it.
oh bob - i think you are onto something here.
please write more. everyone - please write about your denial.
hugs all around -
sammy
I think if I am addicted I am in denial. That's a classic statement isn't it??? See the thing I realize is I'm not my old happy self. I don't know if it's depression, changes in my health, the m/c, all or none of it. I just know something is off. So I decided it was the meds and maybe I am addicted. I came off the Oxy and everything but went back to the Vicodin 2/d. It is very difficult to walk without them. The Thalamic Syndrome pain is not so bad but the leg is unbearable. Anyway, I have a desire to stop those meds. But really I don't feel addicted. They have never made me high. I take as little as I can and don't have alot of the addictive behaviors. I try to keep a tab on this because I think there is a fine line we cross into addiction. Like if I'd have chewed that Oxy that day, that would have been it for me. But maybe even thinking that thought is it. I'm not sure. I think denial is an easy coping mechanism we use for many things. I feel powerless over many things, most things. How the world shows up I feel I have not control over, how I chose to respond I feel l do have control over. I wonder if any of this makes any sense. I'm rambling and it doesn't fit together so well tonite. lol
Love, PM
Love, PM
hi sammy-
you hit the nail on the head, once again! i certainly was in denial for over 15 years about my drug addiction. since i was "prescribed" pain medication from a few of my dr.'s & wasn't purchasing pills illegally- i wasn't addicted (or so i told myself). since i am a respected mother with two happy, athletic, beautiful and bright children- i wasn't addicted (or so i told myself) since i am a professional who is successful at her job- i wasn't addicted (or so i told myself). since i have a happy marriage with a colonial house with all the "trimmings"- i wasn't addicted (or so i told myself). who was i kidding?
i am so thankful to god (and my husband) for teaching me how to finally be honest with myself and everyone else.i was lucky to finally realize that admitting i am an addict and seeking help was the first step in helping me stay clean! i am loving my new life. i have been clean for over two months and am finding a new way to live which is much better... always good to read your posts! keep them coming!
you hit the nail on the head, once again! i certainly was in denial for over 15 years about my drug addiction. since i was "prescribed" pain medication from a few of my dr.'s & wasn't purchasing pills illegally- i wasn't addicted (or so i told myself). since i am a respected mother with two happy, athletic, beautiful and bright children- i wasn't addicted (or so i told myself) since i am a professional who is successful at her job- i wasn't addicted (or so i told myself). since i have a happy marriage with a colonial house with all the "trimmings"- i wasn't addicted (or so i told myself). who was i kidding?
i am so thankful to god (and my husband) for teaching me how to finally be honest with myself and everyone else.i was lucky to finally realize that admitting i am an addict and seeking help was the first step in helping me stay clean! i am loving my new life. i have been clean for over two months and am finding a new way to live which is much better... always good to read your posts! keep them coming!
oh yeah, jeep! so good to hear from you.
let me not forget the fact that those doctors, who wrote those scripts for me, why of course they wouldn't give me anything that would harm me? i mean after all, why would they give them to me, if i were an addict?
now let me see, did i mention all the supposed illnesses i could manufacture? to coin a phrase that dr. paul o. used - i had a pill for every ill and i was sick a lot! and how about how i manipulated them into giving me what i wanted? how many times did i go into a doctors office and say, oh no that drug doesn't work as well as this drug - just to get what i wanted. ah the games i played with myself and those who were involved in my life during the time i was actively addicted.
and jeep - how about this? did you or anyone else ever do this? i would get a script filled and bring them home - dump them out on the bed and count off so many for this day, the next day and so on. i would allot myself so many each day until my next refill was due. the sad thing was, as i sat there counting, obsessing about my next refill, it always turned out that there were never enough. i could fool myself into thinking that i had some kind of control over how many pills i would take a day but they were always gone way before the next refill was due. when my demand ceased to keep up with my supply, i found myself resorting to all kinds of tactics to get the pills i wanted.
thank you so much for sharing. i hope someone else will pick this up and share a little about what it was like for them when caught in the web of active addiction and denial.
hugs to all -
sammy
let me not forget the fact that those doctors, who wrote those scripts for me, why of course they wouldn't give me anything that would harm me? i mean after all, why would they give them to me, if i were an addict?
now let me see, did i mention all the supposed illnesses i could manufacture? to coin a phrase that dr. paul o. used - i had a pill for every ill and i was sick a lot! and how about how i manipulated them into giving me what i wanted? how many times did i go into a doctors office and say, oh no that drug doesn't work as well as this drug - just to get what i wanted. ah the games i played with myself and those who were involved in my life during the time i was actively addicted.
and jeep - how about this? did you or anyone else ever do this? i would get a script filled and bring them home - dump them out on the bed and count off so many for this day, the next day and so on. i would allot myself so many each day until my next refill was due. the sad thing was, as i sat there counting, obsessing about my next refill, it always turned out that there were never enough. i could fool myself into thinking that i had some kind of control over how many pills i would take a day but they were always gone way before the next refill was due. when my demand ceased to keep up with my supply, i found myself resorting to all kinds of tactics to get the pills i wanted.
thank you so much for sharing. i hope someone else will pick this up and share a little about what it was like for them when caught in the web of active addiction and denial.
hugs to all -
sammy
good morning -
a little more about the first step.
hugs all around -
sammy
_________________
Hitting bottom: despair and isolation
Our addiction finally brings us to a place where we can no longer deny the nature of our problem. All the lies, all the rationalizations, all the illusions fall away as we stand face-to-face with what our lives have become. We realize we've been living without hope. We find we've become friendless or so completely disconnected that our relationships are a sham, a parody of love and intimacy. Though it may seem that all is lost when we find ourselves in this state, the truth is that we must pass through this place before we can embark upon our journey of recovery.
==> What crisis brought me to recovery?
==> What situation led me to formally work Step One?
==> When did I first recognize my addiction as a problem? Did I try to correct it? If so, how? If not, why not?
a little more about the first step.
hugs all around -
sammy
_________________
Hitting bottom: despair and isolation
Our addiction finally brings us to a place where we can no longer deny the nature of our problem. All the lies, all the rationalizations, all the illusions fall away as we stand face-to-face with what our lives have become. We realize we've been living without hope. We find we've become friendless or so completely disconnected that our relationships are a sham, a parody of love and intimacy. Though it may seem that all is lost when we find ourselves in this state, the truth is that we must pass through this place before we can embark upon our journey of recovery.
==> What crisis brought me to recovery?
==> What situation led me to formally work Step One?
==> When did I first recognize my addiction as a problem? Did I try to correct it? If so, how? If not, why not?
step one study guide, cont'd.
_____________
Powerlessness
As addicts, we react to the word "powerless" in a variety of ways. Some of us recognize that a more accurate description of our situation simply could not exist, and admit our powerlessness with a sense of relief. Others recoil at the word, connecting it with weakness or believing it to indicate some kind of character deficiency. Understanding powerlessness - and how admitting our own powerlessness is essential to our recovery - will help us get over any negative feelings we may have about the concept.
We are powerless when the driving force in our life is beyond our control. Our addiction certainly qualifies as such an uncontrollable, driving force. We cannot moderate or control our drug use or other compulsive behaviors, even when they are causing us to lose the things that matter most to us. We cannot stop, even when to continue will surely result in irreparable physical damage. We find ourselves doing things that we would never do if it weren't for our addiction; things that make us shudder with shame when we think of them. We may even decide that we don't want to use, that we aren't going to use, and realize we are simply unable to stop when the opportunity presents itself.
We may have tried to abstain from drug use or other compulsive behaviors - perhaps with some success - for a period of time without a program, only to find that our untreated addiction eventually takes us right back to where we were before. In order to work the First Step, we need to prove our own individual powerlessness to ourselves on a deep level.
==> Over what, exactly, am I powerless?
==> I've done things while acting out on my addiction that I would never do when focusing on recovery. What were they?
==> What things have I done to maintain my addiction that went completely against all my beliefs and values?
==> How does my personality change when I'm acting out on my addiction? (For example: Do I become arrogant? Self-centered? Mean-tempered? Passive to the point where I can't protect myself? Manipulative? Whiny?)
==> Do I manipulate other people to maintain my addiction? How?
==> Have I tried to quit using and found that I couldn't? Have I quit using on my own and found that my life was so painful without drugs that my abstinence didn't last very long? What were these times like?
==> How has my addiction caused me to hurt myself or others?
Unmanageability
The First Step asks us to admit two things: one, that we are powerless over our addiction; and two, that our lives have become unmanageable. Actually, we would be hard pressed to admit one and not the other. Our unmanageability is the outward evidence of our powerlessness. There are two general types of unmanageability: outward unmanageability, the kind that can be seen by others; and inner, or personal, unmanageability.
Outward unmanageability is often identified by such things as arrests, job losses, and family problems. Some of our members have been incarcerated. Some have never been able to sustain any kind of relationship for more than a few months. Some of us have been cut off from our families, asked never again to contact them.
Inner or personal unmanageability is often identified by unhealthy or untrue belief Systems about ourselves, the world we live in, and the people in our lives. We may believe we're worthless. We may believe that the world revolves around us -not just that it should, but that it does. We may believe that it isn't really our job to take care of ourselves; someone else should do that. We may believe that the responsibilities the average person takes on as a matter of course are just too large a burden for us to bear. We may over or under react to events in our lives. Emotional volatility is often one of the most obvious ways in which we can identify personal unmanageability.
==> What does unmanageability mean to me?
==> Have I ever been arrested or had legal trouble as a result of my addiction? Have I ever done anything I could have been arrested for if only I was caught? What have those things been?
==> What trouble have I had at work or school because of my addiction? What trouble have I had with my family as a result of my addiction?
==> What trouble have I had with my friends as a result of my addiction?
==> Do I insist on having my own way? What effect has my insistence had on my relationships?
==> Do I consider the needs of others? What effect has my lack of consideration had on my relationships?
==> Do I accept responsibility for my life and my actions? Am I able to carry out my daily responsibilities without becoming overwhelmed? How has this affected my life?
==> Do I fall apart the minute things don't go according to plan? How has this affected my life?
==> Do I treat every challenge as a personal insult? How has this affected my life?
==> Do I maintain a crisis mentality, responding to every situation with panic? How has this affected my life?
==> Do I ignore signs that something may be seriously wrong with my health or with my children, thinking things will work out somehow? Describe.
==> When in real danger, have I ever been either indifferent to that danger or somehow unable to protect myself as a result of my addiction? Describe.
==> Have I ever harmed someone as a result of my addiction? Describe.
==> Do I have temper tantrums or react to my feelings in other ways that lower my self-respect or sense of dignity? Describe.
==> Did I take drugs or act out on my addiction to change or suppress my feelings? What was I trying to change or suppress?
_____________
Powerlessness
As addicts, we react to the word "powerless" in a variety of ways. Some of us recognize that a more accurate description of our situation simply could not exist, and admit our powerlessness with a sense of relief. Others recoil at the word, connecting it with weakness or believing it to indicate some kind of character deficiency. Understanding powerlessness - and how admitting our own powerlessness is essential to our recovery - will help us get over any negative feelings we may have about the concept.
We are powerless when the driving force in our life is beyond our control. Our addiction certainly qualifies as such an uncontrollable, driving force. We cannot moderate or control our drug use or other compulsive behaviors, even when they are causing us to lose the things that matter most to us. We cannot stop, even when to continue will surely result in irreparable physical damage. We find ourselves doing things that we would never do if it weren't for our addiction; things that make us shudder with shame when we think of them. We may even decide that we don't want to use, that we aren't going to use, and realize we are simply unable to stop when the opportunity presents itself.
We may have tried to abstain from drug use or other compulsive behaviors - perhaps with some success - for a period of time without a program, only to find that our untreated addiction eventually takes us right back to where we were before. In order to work the First Step, we need to prove our own individual powerlessness to ourselves on a deep level.
==> Over what, exactly, am I powerless?
==> I've done things while acting out on my addiction that I would never do when focusing on recovery. What were they?
==> What things have I done to maintain my addiction that went completely against all my beliefs and values?
==> How does my personality change when I'm acting out on my addiction? (For example: Do I become arrogant? Self-centered? Mean-tempered? Passive to the point where I can't protect myself? Manipulative? Whiny?)
==> Do I manipulate other people to maintain my addiction? How?
==> Have I tried to quit using and found that I couldn't? Have I quit using on my own and found that my life was so painful without drugs that my abstinence didn't last very long? What were these times like?
==> How has my addiction caused me to hurt myself or others?
Unmanageability
The First Step asks us to admit two things: one, that we are powerless over our addiction; and two, that our lives have become unmanageable. Actually, we would be hard pressed to admit one and not the other. Our unmanageability is the outward evidence of our powerlessness. There are two general types of unmanageability: outward unmanageability, the kind that can be seen by others; and inner, or personal, unmanageability.
Outward unmanageability is often identified by such things as arrests, job losses, and family problems. Some of our members have been incarcerated. Some have never been able to sustain any kind of relationship for more than a few months. Some of us have been cut off from our families, asked never again to contact them.
Inner or personal unmanageability is often identified by unhealthy or untrue belief Systems about ourselves, the world we live in, and the people in our lives. We may believe we're worthless. We may believe that the world revolves around us -not just that it should, but that it does. We may believe that it isn't really our job to take care of ourselves; someone else should do that. We may believe that the responsibilities the average person takes on as a matter of course are just too large a burden for us to bear. We may over or under react to events in our lives. Emotional volatility is often one of the most obvious ways in which we can identify personal unmanageability.
==> What does unmanageability mean to me?
==> Have I ever been arrested or had legal trouble as a result of my addiction? Have I ever done anything I could have been arrested for if only I was caught? What have those things been?
==> What trouble have I had at work or school because of my addiction? What trouble have I had with my family as a result of my addiction?
==> What trouble have I had with my friends as a result of my addiction?
==> Do I insist on having my own way? What effect has my insistence had on my relationships?
==> Do I consider the needs of others? What effect has my lack of consideration had on my relationships?
==> Do I accept responsibility for my life and my actions? Am I able to carry out my daily responsibilities without becoming overwhelmed? How has this affected my life?
==> Do I fall apart the minute things don't go according to plan? How has this affected my life?
==> Do I treat every challenge as a personal insult? How has this affected my life?
==> Do I maintain a crisis mentality, responding to every situation with panic? How has this affected my life?
==> Do I ignore signs that something may be seriously wrong with my health or with my children, thinking things will work out somehow? Describe.
==> When in real danger, have I ever been either indifferent to that danger or somehow unable to protect myself as a result of my addiction? Describe.
==> Have I ever harmed someone as a result of my addiction? Describe.
==> Do I have temper tantrums or react to my feelings in other ways that lower my self-respect or sense of dignity? Describe.
==> Did I take drugs or act out on my addiction to change or suppress my feelings? What was I trying to change or suppress?
Sammy,
I love reading these because I contemplate all I can absorb and try to find where my common ground is. As I am in agony once again from stopping my Oxy, I find Im not really in withdrawal. Its much different than last month. I just feel how the pain in my body is and how much I hurt. Im glad I wasnt taking it regularly. However, my body is in pain that is fairly miserable. So once again I battle the monkey of what I should be doing and how many times am I going to do this? I wonder if I can take the meds and switch them around so they do not grab my body like the Oxy did before. I wonder if I can go off completely and live a life with any resemblance of quality. I wonder if the spasms will stop soon? Im feeling afraid of addiction and in so much pain that I dont know how to handle. I am sure the loss of my baby dropped me to my knees and was my point of despair. The drugs I don't think were the reason for the m/c. I think it was a combo. of my bp, health issues and dehydration but this was the only thing I could grab onto to try to change. The other thing is I cannot quit using. That sticks out. I hurt so much I always go back. I might just take the Norco with an Oxy at night or mix it up some but I cant get off them. One day I wanted to chew and thank God for all of you I didnt because it would have been crossing a bridge to misery. Im in a position where I can see how the behavior changes could rapidly take charge and I know Im not there yet. Yet I cannot get off them long enough to feel what it is like without them. So Im probably not making much sense here. Still glad to be a part of reading the posts. You guys really help me to watch myself every minute and where the line is. Love, PM
I love reading these because I contemplate all I can absorb and try to find where my common ground is. As I am in agony once again from stopping my Oxy, I find Im not really in withdrawal. Its much different than last month. I just feel how the pain in my body is and how much I hurt. Im glad I wasnt taking it regularly. However, my body is in pain that is fairly miserable. So once again I battle the monkey of what I should be doing and how many times am I going to do this? I wonder if I can take the meds and switch them around so they do not grab my body like the Oxy did before. I wonder if I can go off completely and live a life with any resemblance of quality. I wonder if the spasms will stop soon? Im feeling afraid of addiction and in so much pain that I dont know how to handle. I am sure the loss of my baby dropped me to my knees and was my point of despair. The drugs I don't think were the reason for the m/c. I think it was a combo. of my bp, health issues and dehydration but this was the only thing I could grab onto to try to change. The other thing is I cannot quit using. That sticks out. I hurt so much I always go back. I might just take the Norco with an Oxy at night or mix it up some but I cant get off them. One day I wanted to chew and thank God for all of you I didnt because it would have been crossing a bridge to misery. Im in a position where I can see how the behavior changes could rapidly take charge and I know Im not there yet. Yet I cannot get off them long enough to feel what it is like without them. So Im probably not making much sense here. Still glad to be a part of reading the posts. You guys really help me to watch myself every minute and where the line is. Love, PM
dear pregnant mom-
are you addicted or concerned that you might be?
are you addicted or concerned that you might be?
reservations - and we ain't talking about dinner!
i remember a few 24 hours ago, it was suggested that i call the pharmacies where i had any refills on the drugs i abused and cancel those refills. well i did and went to visit my doctor (PCP) and informed him of my addiction. however, there was one pharmacy and one doctor that i did not inform. i thought to myself, "well sure sammy this is what is suggested but what happens if you really get sick and need something for pain and can't get anything?" i held out this one pharmacy and one doctor as my ace in the hole, whom i could turn to if this situation should occur. this was nothing more than a reservation of my thinking and as it turned out that refill talked to me the entire time it was available. i ended up getting it filled and this completed the relapse that i was already in.
anyhoot - here's a bit about reservations from the NA step study guide. hope everyone has the best day ever!
hugs all around -
sammy
_______________________________
Reservations are places in our program that we have reserved for relapse. They may be built around the idea that we can retain a small measure of control, something like, "Okay, I accept that I can't control my using, but I can still sell drugs, can't I?" Or we may think we can remain friends with the people we used with or bought drugs from. We may think that certain parts of the program don't apply to us. We may think there's something we just can't face clean-a serious illness, for instance, or the death of a loved one - and plan to use if it ever happens. We may think that after we've accomplished some goal, made a certain amount of money, or been clean for a certain number of years, then we'll be able to control our using. Reservations are usually tucked away in the back of our minds; we are not fully conscious of them. It is essential that we expose any reservations we may have and cancel them, right here, right now.
Have I accepted the full measure of my disease?
==> Do I think I can still associate with the people connected with my addiction? Can I still go to the places where I used? Do I think it's wise to keep drugs or paraphernalia around, just to "remind myself" or test my recovery? If so, why?
==> Is there something I think I can't get through clean, some event that might happen that will be so painful that I'll have to use to survive the hurt?
==> Do I think that with some amount of clean time, or with different life circumstances, I'd be able to control my using?
==> What reservations am I still holding on to?
i remember a few 24 hours ago, it was suggested that i call the pharmacies where i had any refills on the drugs i abused and cancel those refills. well i did and went to visit my doctor (PCP) and informed him of my addiction. however, there was one pharmacy and one doctor that i did not inform. i thought to myself, "well sure sammy this is what is suggested but what happens if you really get sick and need something for pain and can't get anything?" i held out this one pharmacy and one doctor as my ace in the hole, whom i could turn to if this situation should occur. this was nothing more than a reservation of my thinking and as it turned out that refill talked to me the entire time it was available. i ended up getting it filled and this completed the relapse that i was already in.
anyhoot - here's a bit about reservations from the NA step study guide. hope everyone has the best day ever!
hugs all around -
sammy
_______________________________
Reservations are places in our program that we have reserved for relapse. They may be built around the idea that we can retain a small measure of control, something like, "Okay, I accept that I can't control my using, but I can still sell drugs, can't I?" Or we may think we can remain friends with the people we used with or bought drugs from. We may think that certain parts of the program don't apply to us. We may think there's something we just can't face clean-a serious illness, for instance, or the death of a loved one - and plan to use if it ever happens. We may think that after we've accomplished some goal, made a certain amount of money, or been clean for a certain number of years, then we'll be able to control our using. Reservations are usually tucked away in the back of our minds; we are not fully conscious of them. It is essential that we expose any reservations we may have and cancel them, right here, right now.
Have I accepted the full measure of my disease?
==> Do I think I can still associate with the people connected with my addiction? Can I still go to the places where I used? Do I think it's wise to keep drugs or paraphernalia around, just to "remind myself" or test my recovery? If so, why?
==> Is there something I think I can't get through clean, some event that might happen that will be so painful that I'll have to use to survive the hurt?
==> Do I think that with some amount of clean time, or with different life circumstances, I'd be able to control my using?
==> What reservations am I still holding on to?
Guest,
The jury is probably still out. I don't know. If I were not I probably would not be here. However, I feel am towing a very very fine line and am at risk for crossing over it as long as I take my meds. I am soooooooooo tempted sometimes to jump into a fix. That is where my addicted personality comes in. People here actually made the difference in my not chewing my Oxy recently but ooohhhhhhh how I wanted to. I don't know if I would have but am grateful to everyone who was watching my back once I fessed up. That hadn't ever happened before.
I've used those other drugs for the sole purpose of the high while in nature. Looking for something more, that great taste of momentary enlightenment where everything is united. Believe me I loved some of them and some almost took me out. I never used anything regularly I just wanted to try everything. So I did. It didn't take me anytime to see that those times were deliciouly vibrant and a beautiful illusion and the days following were so not worth what it did to my energy. Why could I not attain that during a clear state was always my question. So I stopped fairly quickly. As a teen I was a binge drinker with blackouts. As an adult I rarely drink cuz I will drink whatever one puts in front of me and I don't like the way it makes me feel or the taste.
So your question is a good one and I don't really know the answer if I'm an addict but I am definately concerned about becoming one.
PM
The jury is probably still out. I don't know. If I were not I probably would not be here. However, I feel am towing a very very fine line and am at risk for crossing over it as long as I take my meds. I am soooooooooo tempted sometimes to jump into a fix. That is where my addicted personality comes in. People here actually made the difference in my not chewing my Oxy recently but ooohhhhhhh how I wanted to. I don't know if I would have but am grateful to everyone who was watching my back once I fessed up. That hadn't ever happened before.
I've used those other drugs for the sole purpose of the high while in nature. Looking for something more, that great taste of momentary enlightenment where everything is united. Believe me I loved some of them and some almost took me out. I never used anything regularly I just wanted to try everything. So I did. It didn't take me anytime to see that those times were deliciouly vibrant and a beautiful illusion and the days following were so not worth what it did to my energy. Why could I not attain that during a clear state was always my question. So I stopped fairly quickly. As a teen I was a binge drinker with blackouts. As an adult I rarely drink cuz I will drink whatever one puts in front of me and I don't like the way it makes me feel or the taste.
So your question is a good one and I don't really know the answer if I'm an addict but I am definately concerned about becoming one.
PM
Guest
sorry it took me so long to answer that. i needed some time off here.
While I went off the Oxy I have taken since once in awhile and the Norco for sure. I did go through total withdrawal when I stopped and so right now I'm learning and learning and learning and not in a recovery or step program except trying to get one foot in front of the other.
I'm trying to figure out where I fit and where I don't and what is the best support for me and where to find it.
sorry for the modified. i just decided to add that instead of another post.
Sammy
I love you. You are dear and hope you're feeling better.
Love PM
sorry it took me so long to answer that. i needed some time off here.
While I went off the Oxy I have taken since once in awhile and the Norco for sure. I did go through total withdrawal when I stopped and so right now I'm learning and learning and learning and not in a recovery or step program except trying to get one foot in front of the other.
I'm trying to figure out where I fit and where I don't and what is the best support for me and where to find it.
sorry for the modified. i just decided to add that instead of another post.
Sammy
I love you. You are dear and hope you're feeling better.
Love PM
Sammy,
Just wanted to thank you once more for this. I am working this stuff out again as well, and I am finding that some of my answers are different today then they were two months ago. I am more honest with myself now. I am not hiding behind things like I used to, but I am finding that I am still holding back for some reason. I will let you know when I figure it out. I love ya, and I hope you are feeling better, I have been worrying about ya.
Huggles
Lady M
Just wanted to thank you once more for this. I am working this stuff out again as well, and I am finding that some of my answers are different today then they were two months ago. I am more honest with myself now. I am not hiding behind things like I used to, but I am finding that I am still holding back for some reason. I will let you know when I figure it out. I love ya, and I hope you are feeling better, I have been worrying about ya.
Huggles
Lady M
hey lady m -
despite my perception of things, i'm always ok! "wink, wink"
here's my take on a blueprint for life:
the experience of life that i am creating is largely determined by my beliefs and attitudes. my beliefs and attitudes are enormously powerful in the life i am living. not only do these beliefs and attitudes continue to determine my inner experience of life, but they are also creative blueprints. they are blueprints, through which and by which a power greater than myself creates the outer events in my experience and tendencies in my life path. i call this power the law of mind or the creative mind principle.
making a decision to change my attitude was a relative easy task. however, it took a whole lot of help to find the law of mind - something that was always there, however, i spent many years blocking.
i love you to pieces, lady m and am grateful you are on my engineering team that helps me create a more masterful blueprint.
gratefully -
sammy
despite my perception of things, i'm always ok! "wink, wink"
here's my take on a blueprint for life:
the experience of life that i am creating is largely determined by my beliefs and attitudes. my beliefs and attitudes are enormously powerful in the life i am living. not only do these beliefs and attitudes continue to determine my inner experience of life, but they are also creative blueprints. they are blueprints, through which and by which a power greater than myself creates the outer events in my experience and tendencies in my life path. i call this power the law of mind or the creative mind principle.
making a decision to change my attitude was a relative easy task. however, it took a whole lot of help to find the law of mind - something that was always there, however, i spent many years blocking.
i love you to pieces, lady m and am grateful you are on my engineering team that helps me create a more masterful blueprint.
gratefully -
sammy
Sammy,
I find it difficult to find the law of mind as well. It seems to arise when I am most still.
I love your blueprint for life.
Feels like I seem to fight a bit with those things that are given to me by the Higher Power. Must be a stubborn sort. When I can get out of my own way life gets a whole lot better!
Big Hug to You for All your support here Sammy,
Amy
I find it difficult to find the law of mind as well. It seems to arise when I am most still.
I love your blueprint for life.
Feels like I seem to fight a bit with those things that are given to me by the Higher Power. Must be a stubborn sort. When I can get out of my own way life gets a whole lot better!
Big Hug to You for All your support here Sammy,
Amy
