Well...I don't have proof that my boyfriend was doing crack today but 9 out of 10 signs are there...his voice change, leaving 'silent' messages on my voice mail, making excuses why he can't come over tonight..etc...so I pretty much know he did use and he KNOWS I'm not going to put up with it. So normally, I feel betrayed, angry that he's denying it and upset. So I totally freaked out on him, and have been all evening, saying things like I'm gonna go find someone else who I actually have a future with, how I hate him, and then I REALLY feel bad for saying I hope he overdoses on crack. I know these things are evil things to say but I'm feeling so frustrated and angry because he keeps on doing this! He's making NO effort to change and on top of it he's lying to me! How much more can I take? So now I feel so guilty for being so mean, he hasn't been mean to me once today.
How should I handle this with him?
do u have and aim screen name?? email addy??
I don't have AIM I have MSN...my email is alien_hamsters@yahoo.com
Well at least I've accomplished something, he FINALLY admitted he's been using crack all day, but I JUST got off the phone with him and he denied itafter he just admitted it..like what the hell..whatever I'm going out with my girlfriends! Hope everyones night was better than mine.
I'm such a mess! I feel sick, I drank too much last night, I have two hours of sleep after having been up for 24 hours, and I have anxiety and I can't stop crying. I don't know what to do with myself, I keep going from my bed to the computer and I feel like I won't make it through the day. I want to talk to my boyfriend but at the same time I don't. I can't get a hold of him anyways and I KNOW he's going to be using again today. I keep telling myself what concernedwife has said, He is the one that left me when he decided to smoke crack. I didn't do this to our relationship, he did. But its still so hard, I feel like I can't go on. I love him so much but I feel so helpless...
Thanks for listening...
Thanks for listening...
Kittycat, I am so sorry to hear you feel so bad. I have done the exact same things you have. You have to make up your mind if this is what you want until he decides that he is going to get help. My bf didn't get into the rehab last nite because they didn't have any beds available - made us drive 35 minutes to get there and told us that!! I was SO ready to get rid of him and I was very disappointed. My cousin called last nite and I told her about it and he got real mad because she knew. I told him I was like a volcano about to explode all the time and I needed to vent a little sometimes! He crawled in the bed last nite with me and I got up and got on the couch. He got mad about that too. I asked him what did he think I would do? It's like he was saying - Hey baby, I been smokin crack all week, pawned your tools again and almost lost my job - just get over it and give me some!! Good lord!! He said he had no intention of attacking me, but he kept nudging closer to me and he just repluses me anyway. Thank God the rehab called today and they have a bed open - I am supposed to take him over there before 6:00 tonite. Hallalujah!! Take care of yourself - I know you are mad, sick and tired of all this just like I am. You will know when you have the guts to tell him you can no longer stand it any more. I am a good person and you are too - we deserve to be treated SO much better. I want someone who will take me out to eat and actually pay for it, want to go on little vacations on the weekend, help me out financially if I need it - somebody who is a REAL man! I know what a lot of my problem has been - he is so good looking and so good in the sack. He likes to talk a lot and has convinced me in the past that he was done with the stuff, but this is a vicious cycle - in and out of rehab. Heck, the rehab won't even keep him more than a week for a "refresher course". Any time away from him is welcome right now - I am a wreck! I know you are too. Hang in there! Do something special for yourself today.
Hey kittykat
Are you ok? just read your post you seem really stressed? Have you spoke to your boyfriend yet? You sound like how i felt last week. Hang in there try keep cool. You cant keep going on like this for much longer it must really be making you ill!
Post back as worried.
Are you ok? just read your post you seem really stressed? Have you spoke to your boyfriend yet? You sound like how i felt last week. Hang in there try keep cool. You cant keep going on like this for much longer it must really be making you ill!
Post back as worried.
Dear Kittycat, Why do you feel guilty? Maybe you don't like acting like that. Trust me I understand a lot of what you are feeling. You get sooo angry that you wind up saying things you later regret. That has to do with you...... Fliiping out on him will leave you feeling more out of control. You already feel sad because of circumstances don't let your anger rob you. It's hard because you probably don't know what to do and need to direct your anger somewhere. You could always apologize for the words you said, maybe it'll bring you some peace for you. I too got fed up of waiting, eventually when my late bf had frequent relapses, I just got fed up, tired of making palns and wound up doing special nights for myself, so that if he was around he was around and if not well, I'd treat myself, make plans without him, try to spend my time in good ways as I still had a life. I know you go out with your friends and do your best. I hope that things get more peaceful for you, you sound like a nice person with a lot to give. Dora
Thanks Helena, Cajungirl and Dora for your kind words. I just woke up,, ugh hate waking up so late in the evening! I did talk to him finally he had woken up too at around noon. He wanted to come over and talk but was waiting for his mom to give him a ride because his brother is probably going to do crack again tonight and it would be tempting not to do it. But now he's saying its getting too late to come over. Kinda makes me think he wants to do crack again. He says its hard because he's living at his moms and his brother is always doing crack so temptation is always around. Now that he's saying he might not come over I feel so lonely and sad. I shouldn't have to feel lonely because of crack. My weekend shouldn't have been ruined because of crack. I shouldn't have to sit at home alone because of crack.
Cajungirl, sorry to hear he's not gone yet. How frustrating is that? I remember when my boyfriend got accepted into the teen challenge program it was around the time that his finger got smashed at work so he had upcoming surgeries and doctors appointments and the program kept getting put off, it was so frustrating.
Finally it became a court order and he only lasted a week and a half and breached. He has court this coming thursday to enter a plea. He might still have to go to jail, depends though, he got himself a good lawyer. He had the nerve to ask if I will wait for him if he goes to jail, if I will be faithful.
Anyways I'm wondering if he's even started to do crack already, he just called and said he's still coming over (his usual line) and he asked what I was doing. I said I was talking to a guy Mike on MSN Messenger and he didn't get jealous like he usually does. Then he asked I'm gonna stay home tonight, he's afraid I'm going to go out clubbing and I said no, I'm hungover. So that kinda tells me he has no intentions of coming by.
I feel more and more devastated everytime he relapses. Partly because I feel as though each time that hope is diminishing.
I met a girl last night who was at the club with us. She told me her dad was a crack addict for 20 years. She said it was painful and hard but she had to quit talking to him, to quit enabling him. She said by forgiving my boyfriend and taking him back all the time, I am enabling him. This is true, isn't it?
I'm so sad, I have no idea how to get through this.
Cajungirl, sorry to hear he's not gone yet. How frustrating is that? I remember when my boyfriend got accepted into the teen challenge program it was around the time that his finger got smashed at work so he had upcoming surgeries and doctors appointments and the program kept getting put off, it was so frustrating.
Finally it became a court order and he only lasted a week and a half and breached. He has court this coming thursday to enter a plea. He might still have to go to jail, depends though, he got himself a good lawyer. He had the nerve to ask if I will wait for him if he goes to jail, if I will be faithful.
Anyways I'm wondering if he's even started to do crack already, he just called and said he's still coming over (his usual line) and he asked what I was doing. I said I was talking to a guy Mike on MSN Messenger and he didn't get jealous like he usually does. Then he asked I'm gonna stay home tonight, he's afraid I'm going to go out clubbing and I said no, I'm hungover. So that kinda tells me he has no intentions of coming by.
I feel more and more devastated everytime he relapses. Partly because I feel as though each time that hope is diminishing.
I met a girl last night who was at the club with us. She told me her dad was a crack addict for 20 years. She said it was painful and hard but she had to quit talking to him, to quit enabling him. She said by forgiving my boyfriend and taking him back all the time, I am enabling him. This is true, isn't it?
I'm so sad, I have no idea how to get through this.
Well he called and decided not to come over...surprise surprise. His excuse? He fears we will fight. Funny how he wanted to see me so very badly earlier today and now all of a sudden he doesn't. Once again my weekend is ruined over crack. Seriously I'm giving that hottie at the bus stop my number, he asked me out before but I said no thinking my boyfriend and I have a chance. Now I know we don't.
Dear Kittycat, That sucks! Maybe you do need to cut ties with him? You don't need to get sick over this. He's not getting sick over how you are feeling? He sounds very unpredictable, that's gotta be sooooooooo frustrating!!!!! Sometimes we think the worst, maybe it will be easier to separate than you tnhink. When my late bf split for a couple of months, the knots left my stomach, I swear it felt like I was getting an ulcer from stress and sadness. I felt relaxed physically and knew what I was coming home to, which includes all my belongings! I needed to do that for me and for him. Obviously we did get back together, and unfortunately he is not alive. Though really think you need to find some peace..... D
By the way.... He is soooo putting all issues on you..... Fear that you will fight?????? He's just avoiding personal responsibilty & putting it on you. Hang tough! D
Dora you are right, I do feel like I'm getting sick over this. I have lots of anxiety. I want to cut ties too, its too hard being in a relationship like this. When you and your late bf split up, did you also grieve? Did it get easier?
I guess either way I'm grieving, with him or not. Only difference is, if I grieve without him, I have a chance of getting over him where as I don't if I stay. Dora, what made you decide to finally leave him? What was the straw that broke the camels back?
I guess either way I'm grieving, with him or not. Only difference is, if I grieve without him, I have a chance of getting over him where as I don't if I stay. Dora, what made you decide to finally leave him? What was the straw that broke the camels back?
Glad to hear back from you. Dora is right - he is not accepting responsibility for hurting you by trying to make excuses that you may fight. My bf is finally in the rehab. I took him about three hours ago. After I got home, I felt so exhausted emotionally, I went to sleep for a couple of hours. The knot in my stomach is settling down and I feel better now. I also told him to call me in 6 months if he had been sober that long. I told him he needed to get someone else to pick him up next weekend. He actually asked me if we could "make love" before he left!! What I used to do was try to find someone to go out with as soon as we broke up because I wanted to just forget about him. Now, I don't want to be bothered with anyone because I have a personal goal of moving to the gulf and don't want to be bothered anyway. What used to happen when I would go out with other guys, is I would compare the new guy with my bf. That was a mistake, because I would start finding fault in the new guy and end up feeling guilty and felt like I was "cheating" on him. Then, I would end up going back again to him. He said tonite that he didn't want to be alone and he knows he can beat this and wants a good life. He also said he wanted to move down to where I am going!! I hope I never see him again except for when he comes and gets his stuff next week. I know eventually I will get over being so mad at him, but I don't want to go back to him. I guess maybe I am running away in a sense, to start over. I just need a change of scenery. In the past I have felt like I was addicted to him. I am going to try to keep detaching detaching detaching like Bob B. said. He and everyone else has really helped in that area. Only thing is, when I detach, I can't just do it partially -I do it completely - for now, anyway. He said he is going to get the things out of pawn and give them back to me, so that means he is still going to have some contact with me. I need to stay strong now. I feel strong now, but I know I will be grieving too. I am going to keep reading all the posts here for a long while, because they have helped me so much. Sounds like you are ready to move on, too. You deserve a better life!
cajungirl, i feel relief for you, and yes, something that you had has died. Don't be afraid to allow yourself time to grieve. Detach and grieve. We are glad to give you support -- your courageous spirit has helped us. My hope for you is that you are able to return to a simpler life, a more innocent one, a more honest one.
Peace. May the waters of the gulf help heal you of the trauma you have experienced and endured.
Peace. May the waters of the gulf help heal you of the trauma you have experienced and endured.
Cajungirl, I'm glad he's finally gone to rehab. I really hope it works for him. You are absolutely right, I KNOW I'd compare everyone to my bf. I probably would feel like I'm cheating on him but really, I've cheated on him already a couple of times in the two years we were together. If you count kissing other guys as cheating well I've cheated a lot. Thats my downfall, I get upset, betrayed and angry that he ditches me for crack so I get drunk and go to the clubs and "fool around" with other guys. I know it has to stop and I haven't done it in a long time.
But I do compare. My boyfriend also is very good looking. Very charming, until you get to really know him. He's also good in bed.
He just called and again we got into a fight. I told him I wish I had a boyfriend, I just feel so lonely. His only concern is that he has a headache. Crack addicts are so selfish.
But I do compare. My boyfriend also is very good looking. Very charming, until you get to really know him. He's also good in bed.
He just called and again we got into a fight. I told him I wish I had a boyfriend, I just feel so lonely. His only concern is that he has a headache. Crack addicts are so selfish.
Dear Kittycat, When we split up it was my doing though there were no fights, he understood as it felt mutual. It was the first out 2 times that he stole from me. I had money hidden (dumb dumb!) and guesse what.... No I didn't misplace it, he stole it from me. I finally put all the peices together, called him on/ challenged him on some lies/ stories and the truth finally came out.
He had never stolen from me ever before, which led me to beleive that his addiction was totally full blown, totally out of control, he was doing things that he never did before. I had been looking for that money for a week, he even "helped" me look for it. I had suspiscions though as mentioned before you will finally know if they are using as so many signs put together there is nowhere to run and hide. I know it hurt him, as he never wanted to cause me pain, and felt very ashamed. I just couldn;t live like that anymore, not knowing what could be next......
Anyways the decision was not hard to make. I did feel sad I missed him, it was lonenly though I finally could come home and know what I was coming home too which was tremendous releif. After 2 months we got back together as he looked healthier, and sought out a new NA group offered by outpatient services for a local rehab, as well as paying me back some of the money he owed me. Though when we split his behavior was an all time low, and I coudn't bear it. That day when he left there was no arguing, no yelling, no pleading just agreement on both our parts.
Obviously as you know from my other replies and posts that leaving, getting back together, etc.... Was not enough, he needed to deal with his addiction on his own, I couldn't do it for him no matter how much love there was. He was signed up for a 6 week counselling program, he would of started 10 days after his death. I know this is hard, I stayed because he was taking steps to get better, and I loved him. He was never phys. abusive with me, he had amazing qualities. His friends and family miss him so much. I miss him& think as the days go on it sets in a more real way and hurts differently.
If your bf is not taking responsibilty for his problems, you cannot change that. If his Mother is giving him money(turning a blind eye), and his brother is a crack addict as well he may have no reason to stop as it is not yet a problem (yah right). Kittycat, you can move on I know it's scary, though will probably not be as scary as the s*** you've already been through. I think you have a lot of strenghts just from reading your posts. You are not living together, and have maintained your ground on that. You've called the cops on him (if I'm quoting the right person). If you do decide to leave of course it will hurt, of course it may feel hard though if your bf is showing no signs of accepting his addiction and embracing recovery is it worth it for your own sanity? Honestly if he does want to deal with his addiction he needs out of Momma's and away from his brother. Just a thought.... I don't have all the answers, though hope my reply has helped. Have a good sleep, Dora
He had never stolen from me ever before, which led me to beleive that his addiction was totally full blown, totally out of control, he was doing things that he never did before. I had been looking for that money for a week, he even "helped" me look for it. I had suspiscions though as mentioned before you will finally know if they are using as so many signs put together there is nowhere to run and hide. I know it hurt him, as he never wanted to cause me pain, and felt very ashamed. I just couldn;t live like that anymore, not knowing what could be next......
Anyways the decision was not hard to make. I did feel sad I missed him, it was lonenly though I finally could come home and know what I was coming home too which was tremendous releif. After 2 months we got back together as he looked healthier, and sought out a new NA group offered by outpatient services for a local rehab, as well as paying me back some of the money he owed me. Though when we split his behavior was an all time low, and I coudn't bear it. That day when he left there was no arguing, no yelling, no pleading just agreement on both our parts.
Obviously as you know from my other replies and posts that leaving, getting back together, etc.... Was not enough, he needed to deal with his addiction on his own, I couldn't do it for him no matter how much love there was. He was signed up for a 6 week counselling program, he would of started 10 days after his death. I know this is hard, I stayed because he was taking steps to get better, and I loved him. He was never phys. abusive with me, he had amazing qualities. His friends and family miss him so much. I miss him& think as the days go on it sets in a more real way and hurts differently.
If your bf is not taking responsibilty for his problems, you cannot change that. If his Mother is giving him money(turning a blind eye), and his brother is a crack addict as well he may have no reason to stop as it is not yet a problem (yah right). Kittycat, you can move on I know it's scary, though will probably not be as scary as the s*** you've already been through. I think you have a lot of strenghts just from reading your posts. You are not living together, and have maintained your ground on that. You've called the cops on him (if I'm quoting the right person). If you do decide to leave of course it will hurt, of course it may feel hard though if your bf is showing no signs of accepting his addiction and embracing recovery is it worth it for your own sanity? Honestly if he does want to deal with his addiction he needs out of Momma's and away from his brother. Just a thought.... I don't have all the answers, though hope my reply has helped. Have a good sleep, Dora
Cajun(you go)Girl!!!!! Excellent! Congrats at taking those steps!!!!! He is lucky to have someone put limits like that in his life. Get some rest & enjoy some of the tranquility that comes your way!
Bob, Hope you had a nice week end, & your son is keeping up with his recovery.
Bob, Hope you had a nice week end, & your son is keeping up with his recovery.
Hello Kiitycat
Suggested readings, melody Bettie's Co-dependency No More, and John Bradshaw's "Healing the Shame that binds you".
God Bless
Dave P.
Suggested readings, melody Bettie's Co-dependency No More, and John Bradshaw's "Healing the Shame that binds you".
God Bless
Dave P.
Kittycat
Remember sometimes you can feel more alone with someone than by yourself. Perhaps you should make a break like someone else said something about "If you love someone set them free if they come back its meant to be"?
A friend of mines bf had a drink problem and when she split with him after trying and trying to make it work she said she felt so relieved like a massive weight lifted she cried and was down and then picked herself up and got her life in order and although he trys to come back she is happier on her own now living her life by her rules. Perhaps it will give him the kick up the arse he needs.
Its hard though so many times i wanted to let go but couldnt do it because of how much i love my boyfriend.
Remember sometimes you can feel more alone with someone than by yourself. Perhaps you should make a break like someone else said something about "If you love someone set them free if they come back its meant to be"?
A friend of mines bf had a drink problem and when she split with him after trying and trying to make it work she said she felt so relieved like a massive weight lifted she cried and was down and then picked herself up and got her life in order and although he trys to come back she is happier on her own now living her life by her rules. Perhaps it will give him the kick up the arse he needs.
Its hard though so many times i wanted to let go but couldnt do it because of how much i love my boyfriend.
