Shantell sounds like she knows what she's talking about.With the war in Iraq slowly dying back,I'm sure they're becoming choosier too.I saw on CNN that there is a huge enlistment going on right now.The military pays well and has great benefits.
Of course they are now going to be needing men in Afganistan,He might as well try and see what happens.
Carol Tell him to take his high to his room, or somewhere else out of your face. Seriously, I wouldn't allow him to flaunt his high in front of me knowing that each word he gets out is pouring more salt on the wound his has put on your heart. Just MHO.
I couldn't agree with that more.As a fellow addict,I wouldn't be able to deal with that one second.My heart goes out to you Lisa and I think you've gotten some primo advise here.Thanks for your honesty about it,too.It helps me to hear these stories.We either accept that we live life on lifes terms or become slaves to our own denial.I think you're dealing with this beautifuly although you may not think so at this moment.
I'll pray for you today.
Lisa,
There will come a time when you've had enough and you'll know what you should do......
I have some questions for you in the meantime........
What are your fears if you ask him to leave?
What is holding you back from setting boundries in YOUR home regarding him being high?
What if this wasn't your baby, what would you do?
What if this was your bestfriend in the whole wide world going through this situation with her son, what would you do to help her?
How do you think you're helping Jake by letting him live there, high as a kite with no reprecussions and you retreat to your room in your house?
And, the big one, What does your sponsor say about all of this?
I hurt for you but we both know, denial kills people. You don't have to be the one to put Jake out, he's making that choice everytime he picks up & uses. I have heard & read for years, set up the boundries you can live with and then stick to them. HD always says, say what you mean and mean what you say.
And him stealing the tools, he'll continue to do so until one of two things happen, Jon has no more tools and everything he's worked for & built suffers or Jake gets arrested. Have you considered if he's stealing from you, he's most likely stealing from others and eventually, he will get caught.
You have my number, call me anytime.....Telling your child that they no longer can live at home with you is heartbreaking but what helped my husband and I was knowing, looking back and realizing that we weren't part of the solution, we were part of the problem. When the realization sunk in that by allowing my son to live at home and then to know what he was doing was in a way giving him permission to do it and today, I don't co-sign to it and I know, deep in my gut, if this disease kills him that I didn't contribute to it, he owns his disease 100%.
Smooches~
Stacey
There will come a time when you've had enough and you'll know what you should do......
I have some questions for you in the meantime........
What are your fears if you ask him to leave?
What is holding you back from setting boundries in YOUR home regarding him being high?
What if this wasn't your baby, what would you do?
What if this was your bestfriend in the whole wide world going through this situation with her son, what would you do to help her?
How do you think you're helping Jake by letting him live there, high as a kite with no reprecussions and you retreat to your room in your house?
And, the big one, What does your sponsor say about all of this?
I hurt for you but we both know, denial kills people. You don't have to be the one to put Jake out, he's making that choice everytime he picks up & uses. I have heard & read for years, set up the boundries you can live with and then stick to them. HD always says, say what you mean and mean what you say.
And him stealing the tools, he'll continue to do so until one of two things happen, Jon has no more tools and everything he's worked for & built suffers or Jake gets arrested. Have you considered if he's stealing from you, he's most likely stealing from others and eventually, he will get caught.
You have my number, call me anytime.....Telling your child that they no longer can live at home with you is heartbreaking but what helped my husband and I was knowing, looking back and realizing that we weren't part of the solution, we were part of the problem. When the realization sunk in that by allowing my son to live at home and then to know what he was doing was in a way giving him permission to do it and today, I don't co-sign to it and I know, deep in my gut, if this disease kills him that I didn't contribute to it, he owns his disease 100%.
Smooches~
Stacey
Hey guys, just wanted to offer my own opinion as I have tons of experience with kids, addiction and the devastation that it causes.
As far Jake enlisting, I thinks it's a good thing and that he should move forward with it. He is an adult and needs to start taking responsibility for himself. I would treat his enlistment as same as applying for any other job. Most employers ALL want the standard drug test prior to hiring. Why should he treat this any different? IF he were applying to be a Teacher or CEO would he or should he tell them ALL about his prior drug history??? OF course NOT, he would be "labelled" immediately. If he is serious about enlisting then he needs to take the test and be as honest as possible without hindering his chances. He has the opportunity for a great job and a fresh start. If he screws it up then he must pay the price. We can't go around "fixing" everything for our kids....they need to learn some things on their own.
I just know what happens when an addict gets honest in the face of new employment. It is almost always held against them. I am not saying he should lie outright but he needs to pass the UA and move forward with a clean slate. It will be his own decisions that will either make or break the opportunity before him.
My Daughter is a raging alcoholic and as right now we have had to set boundaries in order to keep the rest of the family free from the drama she brings. I think about it every single day and my blood pressure is through the roof in spite of taking medication for. My Doctor is quite concerned, I can't imagine how it would be affecting me if she were in my daily life. I had to let her go and give her back. We have done everything under the sun. Now it is up to her. She will either get it and change her life and get into recovery.....or she will....well you know. It's one of the hardest things we have ever done and it's effect has trickled down into every aspect of our family life. But the alternative is indeed much worse.
I know the pain this bull-crap causes Lisa but I can say that it is a little better not having to deal with it on a daily basis. The only time I see or talk to my kid is when we are in Court. We will back their in March and this should be the last time. The judge has given her months to do something different and instead of just talking, actually DO something different. She hasn't yet. So who knows. She is an adult, legally. To me she has not progressed since she started drinking at 14-15, I also think she is abusing pain pills now as well.
It's hard, all we can do is what we know. I am sending prayers for you sweety....remember we go through things for a reason!! Sometimes we don't always understand our lessons when they are happening but I am sure that someday.....it will be clear.
Hugs!
As far Jake enlisting, I thinks it's a good thing and that he should move forward with it. He is an adult and needs to start taking responsibility for himself. I would treat his enlistment as same as applying for any other job. Most employers ALL want the standard drug test prior to hiring. Why should he treat this any different? IF he were applying to be a Teacher or CEO would he or should he tell them ALL about his prior drug history??? OF course NOT, he would be "labelled" immediately. If he is serious about enlisting then he needs to take the test and be as honest as possible without hindering his chances. He has the opportunity for a great job and a fresh start. If he screws it up then he must pay the price. We can't go around "fixing" everything for our kids....they need to learn some things on their own.
I just know what happens when an addict gets honest in the face of new employment. It is almost always held against them. I am not saying he should lie outright but he needs to pass the UA and move forward with a clean slate. It will be his own decisions that will either make or break the opportunity before him.
My Daughter is a raging alcoholic and as right now we have had to set boundaries in order to keep the rest of the family free from the drama she brings. I think about it every single day and my blood pressure is through the roof in spite of taking medication for. My Doctor is quite concerned, I can't imagine how it would be affecting me if she were in my daily life. I had to let her go and give her back. We have done everything under the sun. Now it is up to her. She will either get it and change her life and get into recovery.....or she will....well you know. It's one of the hardest things we have ever done and it's effect has trickled down into every aspect of our family life. But the alternative is indeed much worse.
I know the pain this bull-crap causes Lisa but I can say that it is a little better not having to deal with it on a daily basis. The only time I see or talk to my kid is when we are in Court. We will back their in March and this should be the last time. The judge has given her months to do something different and instead of just talking, actually DO something different. She hasn't yet. So who knows. She is an adult, legally. To me she has not progressed since she started drinking at 14-15, I also think she is abusing pain pills now as well.
It's hard, all we can do is what we know. I am sending prayers for you sweety....remember we go through things for a reason!! Sometimes we don't always understand our lessons when they are happening but I am sure that someday.....it will be clear.
Hugs!
Hey guys...I first of all want all of you to know how much I appreciate coming here and clicking on the thread and reading all of your words of encouragment and advice. Keep it coming. I can never hear enough.
I feel that the army is the best place for Jake. Being the kind of person he is, he needs this in order to grow up. Needs the structure of it and someone other than his mommy telling him what to do and when to do it. I don't know what else there is for him at this point. I did look into a 90 day treatment program in CA. That will be my "suggestion" if he doesn't get into the army. If he won't go, then he has to move out. There's nothing more I can do for him. Stacey, you asked, what would I do if this was my best friend's son? I would tell her the same thing you guys have been saying. I'm not a stupid person, just a mom who loves her child. I would move heaven and earth to help him but I think that I'm hurting him by letting him stay here.
Being a recovering addict, living with an active addict...is not something I would wish on anyone. I have questioned my own program more than once during all of this. I don't think I'll use over this, but I can't take it for granted. I have gotten some extra support...I took the advice of a very wise woman (thank you Mary) and asked for an Alanon sponsor. I meet with her for the first time tomorrow for coffee. She's alot like me, only not an addict.
I feel that the army is the best place for Jake. Being the kind of person he is, he needs this in order to grow up. Needs the structure of it and someone other than his mommy telling him what to do and when to do it. I don't know what else there is for him at this point. I did look into a 90 day treatment program in CA. That will be my "suggestion" if he doesn't get into the army. If he won't go, then he has to move out. There's nothing more I can do for him. Stacey, you asked, what would I do if this was my best friend's son? I would tell her the same thing you guys have been saying. I'm not a stupid person, just a mom who loves her child. I would move heaven and earth to help him but I think that I'm hurting him by letting him stay here.
Being a recovering addict, living with an active addict...is not something I would wish on anyone. I have questioned my own program more than once during all of this. I don't think I'll use over this, but I can't take it for granted. I have gotten some extra support...I took the advice of a very wise woman (thank you Mary) and asked for an Alanon sponsor. I meet with her for the first time tomorrow for coffee. She's alot like me, only not an addict.
I hit post before I was done....
Anyway, I'm excited to meet with her and see what she has to say. I've been doing daily meetings and trying very hard to stay out of my head. The committee is working overtime, that's for sure.
I asked my husband last night where he saw all of this ending and he just shook his head and walked away. He's as lost as I am. Jake has us both held at gun point and it's our own fault. I can't even get mad at him for that. We created this mess.
This army thing just has to work.
Anyway, I'm excited to meet with her and see what she has to say. I've been doing daily meetings and trying very hard to stay out of my head. The committee is working overtime, that's for sure.
I asked my husband last night where he saw all of this ending and he just shook his head and walked away. He's as lost as I am. Jake has us both held at gun point and it's our own fault. I can't even get mad at him for that. We created this mess.
This army thing just has to work.
Hey Lisa,
That's very fair, if he doesn't make the Army and refuses rehab than he should have to live with the consequences.
Don't get your hopes up too much though, there is a chance he will refuse treatment, as my nephew has. My sister tried talking him into joining the service or at least get into a rehab, he refused both. As badly as she feels, she knows there is no other way. He's 22 years old and she did the whole take him in thing only to live the nightmare you are. He refuses to work, lies, steals, just wants to get high.
His dad handed him a list of numbers to different shelters in the area, he didn't want those either. He's staying with his dealer right now, won't last long and then he will have to either live on the streets or choose to get some help. He has burned all the bridges. His sister had to kick him out, that's where he went from his mom's house. Of course he was doing the same things there.
I hope your son makes a better choice then my nephew did, for now anyway, I believe it's a matter of time and he will have no choice but to do something. He's running out of places to live.
Anyway, you can't blame yourself in thinking "If only I wasn't an addict", My sister and her husband has never used drugs or alcohol, never. Yet, their son has chosen that path. Their other two children are doing well, one is in college right now.
I hope in the case of your son he makes a much wiser decision than my nephew has, if he doesn't stand strong. He'll get tired of living that way as most of us have.
That's very fair, if he doesn't make the Army and refuses rehab than he should have to live with the consequences.
Don't get your hopes up too much though, there is a chance he will refuse treatment, as my nephew has. My sister tried talking him into joining the service or at least get into a rehab, he refused both. As badly as she feels, she knows there is no other way. He's 22 years old and she did the whole take him in thing only to live the nightmare you are. He refuses to work, lies, steals, just wants to get high.
His dad handed him a list of numbers to different shelters in the area, he didn't want those either. He's staying with his dealer right now, won't last long and then he will have to either live on the streets or choose to get some help. He has burned all the bridges. His sister had to kick him out, that's where he went from his mom's house. Of course he was doing the same things there.
I hope your son makes a better choice then my nephew did, for now anyway, I believe it's a matter of time and he will have no choice but to do something. He's running out of places to live.
Anyway, you can't blame yourself in thinking "If only I wasn't an addict", My sister and her husband has never used drugs or alcohol, never. Yet, their son has chosen that path. Their other two children are doing well, one is in college right now.
I hope in the case of your son he makes a much wiser decision than my nephew has, if he doesn't stand strong. He'll get tired of living that way as most of us have.
It really sounds to me like he's getting two very fair choices that probably alot of adicts don't have the opportunity to get.
He's your kid Lisa, so he can't be dumb, he has to know he's screwing up and he knows he's hurting you. Thats why he tries to make up for it by cleaning.
Lets hope he choses the army or rehab. Love, Roe
He's your kid Lisa, so he can't be dumb, he has to know he's screwing up and he knows he's hurting you. Thats why he tries to make up for it by cleaning.
Lets hope he choses the army or rehab. Love, Roe
Dear Cowgirl; keeping you and your son in my thoughts...I hope it will work :). hang in there...Im still working for the military even now...(though as a civilian now)...and Im still hanging in there myself...I will keep my fingers crossed for him...his best chance at the military is probably army; not the nicest or most comfortable of the branches; but the one most likely to take him; no offense there to anyone; I come from a family of Marines; I went Army; I had a record, was an addict. First; he has to pass the normal test they give everyone to see where he scores and where he would be best qualified; if he does well on the test he then pretty much can get a job he would like...I did pretty good on the test, got offered MI...only thing i couldnt qualify for was pilot; because my eyesight wasnt excellent...Im excited for your son...hope he gets something he thinks he might like; and I hope he gets a good place for basic training...if he can get through basic; he will realize he can get through anything...if he DOES decide to go Marines...well, now if he makes THAT basic training...he will know he really really CAN do anything..lol...Brings back so many memories for me...was total hell going through it, but what a difference it made to know I did it !...after basic they will send him to school to learn what it was he picked...I went to Arizona for 4 months...after that; they give you a sheet of paper and ask you to pick the three places you would "like" to go to serve...I think everyone puts down Hawaii first..lol...I chose germany as one of my places...and I was chosen to go...havent left yet...been...oh....23 years now i think over here....it all was very exciting to me at the time...Im really pulling for you...you and your son...i really hope things work out...keep us posted..:)
Con
Con
I met with my new Alanon sponsor on Thursday and instantly hated her. Not because she's a bad person..because she was right. About everything. And I hate being called on my crap.
She gave me the same advice all of you have, the only difference is that we are going to make a plan and she's going to be my conscience. I picked her because her daughter was/is an oxy addict so she really gets it.
Thanks for the posts everyone. I realize now that this has to be Jake's journey and it's his choice whether I am a part of that or not. I have to make my own way. I took a much needed break from all of this and came over to my mom and dad's for the weekend. I'll be home on Monday. I hated leaving Jon to deal with all of this and Valentine's Day to boot...but it's his turn. I need a couple of good night's sleep and to decompress. I'll check back in when I get home...xxoo to all.
She gave me the same advice all of you have, the only difference is that we are going to make a plan and she's going to be my conscience. I picked her because her daughter was/is an oxy addict so she really gets it.
Thanks for the posts everyone. I realize now that this has to be Jake's journey and it's his choice whether I am a part of that or not. I have to make my own way. I took a much needed break from all of this and came over to my mom and dad's for the weekend. I'll be home on Monday. I hated leaving Jon to deal with all of this and Valentine's Day to boot...but it's his turn. I need a couple of good night's sleep and to decompress. I'll check back in when I get home...xxoo to all.
Hi Lisa -
I'm just catching up after a few days away from the screen and saw that you had gotten away yourself for a few days...good for you...and sometimes it really IS dad's turn to deal with it...probably be good for both of them.
I saw on Carol's thread that Jake was supposed to be having his physical today and just wanted to let you know I've been thinking about you and about him and hoping real hard that this thing shakes out all right for all your sakes.
I hope your time away brought you that which you needed to get from it...a good night's sleep or whatever other side benefits you could wring out of a few days of peace.
Best to you~MomNMore
I'm just catching up after a few days away from the screen and saw that you had gotten away yourself for a few days...good for you...and sometimes it really IS dad's turn to deal with it...probably be good for both of them.
I saw on Carol's thread that Jake was supposed to be having his physical today and just wanted to let you know I've been thinking about you and about him and hoping real hard that this thing shakes out all right for all your sakes.
I hope your time away brought you that which you needed to get from it...a good night's sleep or whatever other side benefits you could wring out of a few days of peace.
Best to you~MomNMore
Thanks Mom..getting away was good for me but dealing with my mother is another stress, but it was a different stress, so there ya go. lol
Jake was supposed to do his physical today. It didn't happen. The recruiter called and requested all of his medical records, that's going to take a few days. As soon as we have them, Jake will go. Jake has a minor birth defect, he has an inverted breast bone called Pectus Exkavatus. The recruiter thinks that without all of the medical records saying that it was never a problem, just cosmetic, the drs there won't push him through. So he wanted all the "ducks in a row" before he even took the physical. Made sense and I'm ok with it. Just put it off for a few more days. The records should be sent within 5 days. He has seen a thorasic specialist since he was born and it was monitered until he was 16. So there is lots of records backing up the claim that it isn't a problem phyically. Just another bump in the road.
I can handle this for 5 more days.
Jake was supposed to do his physical today. It didn't happen. The recruiter called and requested all of his medical records, that's going to take a few days. As soon as we have them, Jake will go. Jake has a minor birth defect, he has an inverted breast bone called Pectus Exkavatus. The recruiter thinks that without all of the medical records saying that it was never a problem, just cosmetic, the drs there won't push him through. So he wanted all the "ducks in a row" before he even took the physical. Made sense and I'm ok with it. Just put it off for a few more days. The records should be sent within 5 days. He has seen a thorasic specialist since he was born and it was monitered until he was 16. So there is lots of records backing up the claim that it isn't a problem phyically. Just another bump in the road.
I can handle this for 5 more days.
I never would have thought about getting my life together if I was allowed to live home with mom and dad - they finally realized that, asked me to leave - & to leave my son with them.
At the time I was so angry!- Kicking me out , huh ? well Ill show you !
What I ended up showing them was> that I wanted to get my life back, I wanted to raise my son, I wanted all that I threw away
I'm sure it hurt them unbelievably, but now years later, the rewards for us all are beyond words.
bestregards,
jack
At the time I was so angry!- Kicking me out , huh ? well Ill show you !
What I ended up showing them was> that I wanted to get my life back, I wanted to raise my son, I wanted all that I threw away
I'm sure it hurt them unbelievably, but now years later, the rewards for us all are beyond words.
bestregards,
jack
Lisa,This could be the best thing in the world for himHe'll grow up fast because they don't take any s***.He's going to have to stay clean but he will be so busy,I doubt there will be any time for that.
Good Luck
Good Luck
That's what I keep hanging on too Tim. That he'll be so busy and closely watched, he'll be able to move on. But really, who are we kidding here? If he doesn't work a program, he won't stay clean. He just won't be in my house anymore.
Lisa,
Are you okay? I read a couple of things on other threads and I sense you're hurting....Seriously, I can call you if you need to talk....
Much love~
Stacey
Are you okay? I read a couple of things on other threads and I sense you're hurting....Seriously, I can call you if you need to talk....
Much love~
Stacey
I'm headed out the door to the women's meeting that I chair..I'll call you when I get out. I probably do need to talk.
Cowgirl....I don't post much on the pain pill board but you have always impressed me and it saddens me to read that you are going through this.
My parents kicked me out of their home when I was 20. It was one of their best parental decisions they have ever made.
I needed to suffer several more years & a lot more 'yets' were actualized but I am here today & have the best relationship I ever could imagine with my parents.
I'll be thinking of you!
My parents kicked me out of their home when I was 20. It was one of their best parental decisions they have ever made.
I needed to suffer several more years & a lot more 'yets' were actualized but I am here today & have the best relationship I ever could imagine with my parents.
I'll be thinking of you!
Thank you Zipper, that was really nice. And thank you Stacey...I guess I didn't realize just how much I needed to talk to you.
I've decided that I probably shouldn't be posting right now. I'm not myself lately and those that don't know me well enough, are taking what I'm saying out of context. Meaning, I'm not writing what I'm meaning to say. My heads all over the place and I'm coming across sounding mean or mad but I don't mean too. I'm babbling now. Sorry guys.
I've decided that I probably shouldn't be posting right now. I'm not myself lately and those that don't know me well enough, are taking what I'm saying out of context. Meaning, I'm not writing what I'm meaning to say. My heads all over the place and I'm coming across sounding mean or mad but I don't mean too. I'm babbling now. Sorry guys.
Babble away, Lisa, sometimes the thinking clarifies itself in the talking/writing. Those who know your heart won't take offense and those who don't...well, I guess they shouldn't be judging you. Do whatever you need to do, post or not as it feels right.
Get some rest if you can.
Peace~M&M
Get some rest if you can.
Peace~M&M
Maybe I'll just stick to this thread. I still need this board, after all these years. Thanks Mom...I needed that. And you're right..sometimes if you write it all out, it starts to make sense. How are things with your daughter?
