laughing my a** off.....loving this all....Lady M....this was the best idea yet.....laughter is great medicine....and I needed to laugh....THANK YOU AGAIN...
This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend. "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I'm sending him over."
The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.
"Okay, what about the earsth?" Now the owner is getting pi**ed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.
"Okay, finally, I'd like to see her twat." With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head u the horse's twat, then pulls him out.
Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase that....I'd like see her run!"
You know, this is just one thread to let people that are going through some rough times in their lives have a little bit of a laugh. It may not be for everyone, and if it is not, I am sorry, but take what you need and leave the rest. Do not ruin it for the ones who have had a smile put on their face if only for a little while. If it is not for you, you do not have to even look at it. I think that everyone except for you has enjoyed it, because you are our only complaint. Maybe you could post something that is more original if you would like. I would love to see one. I just pulled everything I had in my archives to start it, and I am always up for new stuff, please, post one. All I ask is that this thread not turn into a fight. It is here for people's enjoyment. That is it. I hope you can post something new, I would love it. God Bless.....
Lady M
Lady M
SHAY....OMG.....ROTFLMAO......THAT WAS A GREAT ONE!!!! YOU ARE KILLING ME THIS MORNING!!!!!!!! THIS IS WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT........ I LOVE IT!!! KEEP IT GOING!!!!!!!! I AM STEALING ALL OF YOUR STUFF TO SHAY, I LOVE BEING ABLE TO SEND THESE ONES OUT TO MY FRIENDS. IT IS A NICE BREAK FROM THE ONES WE HAVE BEEN CIRCULATING OVER AND OVER! I LOVE YA....GOD BLESS....
HUGGLES
LADY M
HUGGLES
LADY M
LM-
i came here today and saw your post and was so glad that you took yesterday's bummer and turned it into something light and fun ... shows something about the grace in you.... (i had intended to write to you and PM about yesterday and prob. still will )... theni read the post before mine by 'guest' and stopped cold.
done gone and i've lost my joke and i don't feel safe here anymore...
not even to share a silly joke...
sorry.
jane
i came here today and saw your post and was so glad that you took yesterday's bummer and turned it into something light and fun ... shows something about the grace in you.... (i had intended to write to you and PM about yesterday and prob. still will )... theni read the post before mine by 'guest' and stopped cold.
done gone and i've lost my joke and i don't feel safe here anymore...
not even to share a silly joke...
sorry.
jane
Definition Of Politics
Son: Dad I have to do a special report for school, can I ask you a question.
Dad: Sure son, what's the question
Son: What is politics
Dad: Well let's take our home for example, I am the wage earner, so let's call me MANAGEMENT. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her GOVERNMENT We take care of you and your needs, so let's call you THE PEOPLE. We'll call the maid THE WORKING CLASS and your baby brother we'll call THE FUTURE, do you understand.
Son: I'm not really sure dad, I'll have to think about it.
That nigh awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the son went to his paren't room, and found his mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid' s room, where peeking throught the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning:
Son: Dadm now I think I understand politics.
Dad: That's great son, explain it to me in you own words.
Son: Well dad while
Son: Dad I have to do a special report for school, can I ask you a question.
Dad: Sure son, what's the question
Son: What is politics
Dad: Well let's take our home for example, I am the wage earner, so let's call me MANAGEMENT. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her GOVERNMENT We take care of you and your needs, so let's call you THE PEOPLE. We'll call the maid THE WORKING CLASS and your baby brother we'll call THE FUTURE, do you understand.
Son: I'm not really sure dad, I'll have to think about it.
That nigh awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the son went to his paren't room, and found his mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid' s room, where peeking throught the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning:
Son: Dadm now I think I understand politics.
Dad: That's great son, explain it to me in you own words.
Son: Well dad while
sorry hit the wrong button....lol...
Son: Well dad, while MANAGEMENT is screwing the WORKING CLASS, the GOVERNMENT is sound asleep. THE PEOPLE are being completely ignored and THE FUTURE is full of sh**.
Son: Well dad, while MANAGEMENT is screwing the WORKING CLASS, the GOVERNMENT is sound asleep. THE PEOPLE are being completely ignored and THE FUTURE is full of sh**.
lol lol lol lol oh man that was a good one shay...
and if i could say one thing to jane dont let one rain drop spoil a sunny day
the rest of us here are loving this stay, laugh a while...
and i dont think anyone here thinks recovery is a joke
but laughter is part of recovery a big part although sometimes overlooked
here is a long one but funny...
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hearv... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile ... You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell while monkeys fly out of her butt.
hahahaha oh man i have read this one a hundred times and it still cracks me up...
~Adam A
and if i could say one thing to jane dont let one rain drop spoil a sunny day
the rest of us here are loving this stay, laugh a while...
and i dont think anyone here thinks recovery is a joke
but laughter is part of recovery a big part although sometimes overlooked
here is a long one but funny...
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hearv... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile ... You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell while monkeys fly out of her butt.
hahahaha oh man i have read this one a hundred times and it still cracks me up...
~Adam A
Jane,
Honey come back, do not let anyone scare you away. Adam said it right, it is just one post, and we have to learn that not everyone is going to happy and chipper at the same time we are. The laughter is here for those who want it, and I would NEVER make a joke out of recovery. We just have to have a way to laugh.....DO NOT LEAVE! If we do not let it get us down, it will not. Come and share sweetie, and thank you for telling me those things..... I think you are pretty darn great yourself. I like being your friend, and I wouldn't want it any other way. Do not live in the past, but do not close the door on it either. That is how we learn. I have learned to thing before I act, it is my goal for the day. I am in tooooooo good of a mood today. So hun, share with us, come on and play. Lets let our inner child have something to say, and take the lead for the moment. We forget to let them out once and a while, and that is not right. They need to have the lime light too.
Huggles
Lady M
Honey come back, do not let anyone scare you away. Adam said it right, it is just one post, and we have to learn that not everyone is going to happy and chipper at the same time we are. The laughter is here for those who want it, and I would NEVER make a joke out of recovery. We just have to have a way to laugh.....DO NOT LEAVE! If we do not let it get us down, it will not. Come and share sweetie, and thank you for telling me those things..... I think you are pretty darn great yourself. I like being your friend, and I wouldn't want it any other way. Do not live in the past, but do not close the door on it either. That is how we learn. I have learned to thing before I act, it is my goal for the day. I am in tooooooo good of a mood today. So hun, share with us, come on and play. Lets let our inner child have something to say, and take the lead for the moment. We forget to let them out once and a while, and that is not right. They need to have the lime light too.
Huggles
Lady M
LADY...
You saying that you are in too good of a mood just made me smile!!!
i love to hear that everyone needs a great mood day
you have brightened my day... it is dreary and rainy and i am at work getting some overtime and i miss my girlfriend and things are crappy at the moment but just reading these jokes and knowing there are people out there makes it all worth getting out of bed this morning...
come back jane... this is more help than anyone realizes
i dotn know a thing about you but it doesnt matter we are all people and people need laughter to live
thanks lady m...
you are good people
~Adam A
You saying that you are in too good of a mood just made me smile!!!
i love to hear that everyone needs a great mood day
you have brightened my day... it is dreary and rainy and i am at work getting some overtime and i miss my girlfriend and things are crappy at the moment but just reading these jokes and knowing there are people out there makes it all worth getting out of bed this morning...
come back jane... this is more help than anyone realizes
i dotn know a thing about you but it doesnt matter we are all people and people need laughter to live
thanks lady m...
you are good people
~Adam A
I think this one is cute...... poor little Daddy
Huggles
Lady M
Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers
==============================
This one is for all who:
a) have kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) know a kid!
As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter
was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point,
she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny
fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!"
pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at
her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
~Daddy Unknown~
Huggles
Lady M
Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers
==============================
This one is for all who:
a) have kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) know a kid!
As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter
was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point,
she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny
fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!"
pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at
her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
~Daddy Unknown~
oh now that was good
rofl rofl rofl
here is just a little story i was helping my girlfriend out while she was babysitting a 3 1/2 , 1 1/2 and a 6 month old. the 3 1/2 yr old was pooping and he had been learing to wipe himself and my girlfriend asked him if he needed help when he was done pooping... he said "No thanks you are holding the baby tell Adam to come in here." My response... "give me the baby..."
I was eating at the time and it just wasnt something i was prepared for at that moment.
anyway it was funny...
~Adam A
rofl rofl rofl
here is just a little story i was helping my girlfriend out while she was babysitting a 3 1/2 , 1 1/2 and a 6 month old. the 3 1/2 yr old was pooping and he had been learing to wipe himself and my girlfriend asked him if he needed help when he was done pooping... he said "No thanks you are holding the baby tell Adam to come in here." My response... "give me the baby..."
I was eating at the time and it just wasnt something i was prepared for at that moment.
anyway it was funny...
~Adam A
LOL ADAM......
My husband used to do the same thing when the girls where little. I have fond memories of things like this. I wish that we could all learn to harness all of the good memories, and block the bad.... OMG I just about quoted a line from Happy Gilmore (hubby's fav movie). I just caught myself on that one....hehe.
HERE IS ANOTHER ONE.....
In the beginning...God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and
spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Kreme.
And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?"
And Man said: "Yes!"
And Woman said: "I'll have one too...with sprinkles."
And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them.
And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.
So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad."
And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said: "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, butter-dipped lobster
chunks, and chicken-fried steak--so big it needed its own platter.
And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.
And Man put on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!"
And Satan said: "It is good."
And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest. God sighed...and created
quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then...Satan chuckled and created HMOs.
My husband used to do the same thing when the girls where little. I have fond memories of things like this. I wish that we could all learn to harness all of the good memories, and block the bad.... OMG I just about quoted a line from Happy Gilmore (hubby's fav movie). I just caught myself on that one....hehe.
HERE IS ANOTHER ONE.....
In the beginning...God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and
spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Kreme.
And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?"
And Man said: "Yes!"
And Woman said: "I'll have one too...with sprinkles."
And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them.
And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.
So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad."
And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said: "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, butter-dipped lobster
chunks, and chicken-fried steak--so big it needed its own platter.
And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.
And Man put on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!"
And Satan said: "It is good."
And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest. God sighed...and created
quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then...Satan chuckled and created HMOs.
A man walking along a California beach was deep in
prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant
me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a
booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have
TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive
over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.
Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The
supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!
The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it
is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of another wish, one
that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he
said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I
want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking
when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry,
what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can
make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or
four on that bridge?"
~Adam A
prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant
me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a
booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have
TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive
over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.
Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The
supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!
The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it
is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of another wish, one
that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he
said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I
want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking
when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry,
what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can
make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or
four on that bridge?"
~Adam A
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon,
when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain
sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would
notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the
boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead
at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and
attached to her was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth
$50,000 .. . ..please advise"
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap"
~Adam A
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon,
when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain
sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would
notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the
boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead
at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and
attached to her was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth
$50,000 .. . ..please advise"
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap"
~Adam A
oh man
i am at work and it wont let me go to the site
i will have to check it out later
i hate those blocker things at work
they block some of the funniest stuff
~Adam A
i am at work and it wont let me go to the site
i will have to check it out later
i hate those blocker things at work
they block some of the funniest stuff
~Adam A
Hi,
Three old women were sitting outside on the lawn of an old folks home. A guy was walking up the street and saw them and went inside to tell someone that the old women on the lawn were naked and maybe someone should bring them in. Finally the woman at the reception desk said that they were prostitutes.
The man said well, why are they sitting out there naked thats a little dangerous.
The woman said well I know but they insisted on having a yard sale!!
lol..................................Take care........................Bob
Three old women were sitting outside on the lawn of an old folks home. A guy was walking up the street and saw them and went inside to tell someone that the old women on the lawn were naked and maybe someone should bring them in. Finally the woman at the reception desk said that they were prostitutes.
The man said well, why are they sitting out there naked thats a little dangerous.
The woman said well I know but they insisted on having a yard sale!!
lol..................................Take care........................Bob
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
~Adam A
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
~Adam A
LOL ADAM AND BOB....
Just so you all know, the gerbil in the light socket should be opened around no kids....... It is not really for the kiddies...... Mature Audiences Only....lol
Lady M
Just so you all know, the gerbil in the light socket should be opened around no kids....... It is not really for the kiddies...... Mature Audiences Only....lol
Lady M
During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a
fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room,
peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and
horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then
at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took
a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.
She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked
her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
~Adam A
fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room,
peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and
horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then
at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took
a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.
She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked
her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
~Adam A
