Your hat's safe Kat...
But don't ever think never. For today, I'm pretty safe though. lol
Love you
This thread is definitley a trigger for me. I like seeing it as I gain confidence every time I deal with a trigger successfully, but it's a trigger nonetheless. For me, it's the parking lot and looking forward to the drive and the tunes that lay ahead and the overall good mood that goes with it, hell yeah it's a trigger. The good news is that today, I can deal with this trigger, thank G-d.
It's a trigger...but it is the ugly truth layed out in the open and we ALL can relate..the shame I had...waiting for the sound of pills at the pharmacy, with my adrenaline pumping...thinking that everyone knew I was an addict...having the beverage ready for the 4 pills .......let's not forget the crawling out of your skin days later....sweating, nightmares....searching through the handbags for any pills...going to any walk-in center and crying wolf with a bad back, etc. etc.( I would get dressed really nice for these places)...the memories suck..but we are better people today and to share the pain and the shame is good...none of us were alone in this......I know that life is one I want to leave behind...it haunts me...but I choose to forgive myself and laugh at the ridiculous way I thought and behaved(no, it's not funny).....but really, when we are using, aren't we the center of the universe????? Thank you God for my sobriety today...day 12...steady and holding...older and wiser...Sharonn
I am not sure if this thread is a trigger for me as much as my suroundings at the present time. I come to this board for inspiration, knowledge and hopefully to help someone. If i have a trigger off of some thread then I deal with it. I had some serious triggers the other night when I saw a couple of the hands passing out the perco's. This guy must have looked like santa claus the way these staghands were gathered around him. It's life...you either deal with it or cower to it's circumstances.
I liken it to the "devil" lurking around every corner, tempting you with LIES...Yeah, I'll make you feel good for a little while..then I'll make you so sick and depressed you'll wanna die"...I know that drugs are liars...I won't fall for it..I want health and happiness...the hard and time-consuming way..i will derive a sense of satisfaction from that.
That was inspiring, Flipper! Your strength is shining.
Omg Sharon...you brought up one I had forgotten....that sound of pills in the pharmacy.
Teeny little trigger there, but nothing I can't handle.
Amazing what we remember, isn't it?
Love, Kat
Omg Sharon...you brought up one I had forgotten....that sound of pills in the pharmacy.
Teeny little trigger there, but nothing I can't handle.
Amazing what we remember, isn't it?
Love, Kat
Ohhh - the sound of the pills hitting the plastic in the pharmacy.
I went to a Winn Dixie when we lived on the other side of town and I would walk by the pharmacy and hear that - I would honestly think about running around - only 1 pharmacist in there and grabbing a bottle of Lortabs - didn't even know where they were located - probably locked up and I would then be locked up.
This can be positine - look how far we've come.
Yeah, if mine were 2 days early and then I would her them hitting the bottle, I knew they were there and then to me, to my car fast.
We can make this positive b/c it is so much better now.
Love to all of you,
Jean
I went to a Winn Dixie when we lived on the other side of town and I would walk by the pharmacy and hear that - I would honestly think about running around - only 1 pharmacist in there and grabbing a bottle of Lortabs - didn't even know where they were located - probably locked up and I would then be locked up.
This can be positine - look how far we've come.
Yeah, if mine were 2 days early and then I would her them hitting the bottle, I knew they were there and then to me, to my car fast.
We can make this positive b/c it is so much better now.
Love to all of you,
Jean
Hi Jean...How's everything...I'm in the pity pot right now...anniversary of my sister Cathy's death....miss her....hope you're ok...Love, Sharon
I haven't been around to catch up...but this was the last thread I read a few days ago. I do admit, it was a trigger for me. It was like nostalgic thinking....that is a bad place for an addict to be.
But, Kat put it best.....When I do feel triggered I play the tape all the way through. (all the way to choking at the pharmacy and finding imodium ad, lol)
That has helped me with many triggers....even ones when I was right on the edge. Now, when triggers come, my brain automatically goes to the bitter end; rehab, sickness, screaming at my kids, the dead feeling, the constant feeling of impending doom....and it takes it away.
I won't lie; I have had bad thoughts since getting cannned...but today, I am greatful that I didn't act on them.
Glorrifiying they way you took pills just seems a little dangerous to me.
Kerry
But, Kat put it best.....When I do feel triggered I play the tape all the way through. (all the way to choking at the pharmacy and finding imodium ad, lol)
That has helped me with many triggers....even ones when I was right on the edge. Now, when triggers come, my brain automatically goes to the bitter end; rehab, sickness, screaming at my kids, the dead feeling, the constant feeling of impending doom....and it takes it away.
I won't lie; I have had bad thoughts since getting cannned...but today, I am greatful that I didn't act on them.
Glorrifiying they way you took pills just seems a little dangerous to me.
Kerry
I've discovered that for every base, stupid, ridiculous, dishonest thing I did -- drug-related or not -- there exists at least one other person (and frequently dozens) who has done as bad, or worse. I was only "the only one" when I was pretending to be perfect. Now that I've learned to be honest I find I'm not alone at all, in anything I've done. Dry swallowed pills in the pharmacy parking lot? Naw, I used to chew them up to get them into my blood stream faster.
Some situations still trigger me. I don't believe that having "bad thoughts" means that I'm blowing my recovery, any more than I think that REALLY WANTING A CIGARETTE, lol, means that I'm going to have one. But I do believe in removing myself from triggering situations as soon as I identify them. For example, bickering triggers me. It makes me anxious, reminds of high stress times with my family of origin. When my kids start on each other now, I simply leave the room.
Cheers,
Gina
Some situations still trigger me. I don't believe that having "bad thoughts" means that I'm blowing my recovery, any more than I think that REALLY WANTING A CIGARETTE, lol, means that I'm going to have one. But I do believe in removing myself from triggering situations as soon as I identify them. For example, bickering triggers me. It makes me anxious, reminds of high stress times with my family of origin. When my kids start on each other now, I simply leave the room.
Cheers,
Gina
gina,
I can relate to ya.My girls are 12 and 10 through the years of my addiction i really didnt fuss at them too much.They fuss all the time i mean all the time .They say she looking at me,she touching me,she made a face at me,she; is in my seat i was there first.Id just make my oldest move or get on to her.I blamed her.i thought now,shes the oldest and i didnt want to get too mad and hit or do something crazy to them.Id stay shut up in my bedroom and my oldest was a big help to me.If they need a snack or something simple she would fix it for them.Now,that im not useing i try to handle it different i try to get to the bottom of things and get the right one.I just cant understand the fighting,bickering ,picking that they do EVERYDAY.Get off the bus and i hear them fussing before they walk in the door.i go to the door now,and i say dont come in here with that fussing.I handle it alot better.If they have a problem with others picking on them they defend eachother .its so funny how they can fight ,fuss and no one else can do it them them.I have 3 brothers and if we were to have fussed and fought like they do we would get slapped.i didnt really whip my kids when i was useing.So, ive been trying to get it back under control.i hate punishing them but,i cant have them running all over me and my husband.Then just imagine when they become teens .Im getting a handle back over my kids i didnt do it to my mom and they will not do it to me.I love my girls so much .i dont let them stay with anyothers but,grandparents which is maybe 5 night out of a year.the oldest use to stay alittle more but, the past two years she hasnt wanted too. .Alot of people tell me they are together too much and need time apart.im thniking i may send one for 2 days to grandparents then other next time.They really wont be apart grandparents live in my back yard.lol.Im the babysitter i keep alot of kids i have 3 i have about rasied with my kids.I tell them all the time these kids cant come stay they are grounded for fighting.and ect....But,the kids will call anut crystal,can i come this weekend.I just cant punish them or myself for something thats not these kids fault or mine.Im trying to firgure out day to day how to change this.I do ground and take things from my girls like playstation,dirt bike,4 wheeler,and ect...Really my kids are spoiled so bad.They have everything a child could dream of and they dont care if its taken i know they think we will get it back or they will buy another one....I bought a small recorder today its a good one.i hope i can find out who is starting the fights first.I think i will record for a week or so then go over it with them before i tell them they have been being recorded.lol....i hope that it will help.God bless,crystal
I can relate to ya.My girls are 12 and 10 through the years of my addiction i really didnt fuss at them too much.They fuss all the time i mean all the time .They say she looking at me,she touching me,she made a face at me,she; is in my seat i was there first.Id just make my oldest move or get on to her.I blamed her.i thought now,shes the oldest and i didnt want to get too mad and hit or do something crazy to them.Id stay shut up in my bedroom and my oldest was a big help to me.If they need a snack or something simple she would fix it for them.Now,that im not useing i try to handle it different i try to get to the bottom of things and get the right one.I just cant understand the fighting,bickering ,picking that they do EVERYDAY.Get off the bus and i hear them fussing before they walk in the door.i go to the door now,and i say dont come in here with that fussing.I handle it alot better.If they have a problem with others picking on them they defend eachother .its so funny how they can fight ,fuss and no one else can do it them them.I have 3 brothers and if we were to have fussed and fought like they do we would get slapped.i didnt really whip my kids when i was useing.So, ive been trying to get it back under control.i hate punishing them but,i cant have them running all over me and my husband.Then just imagine when they become teens .Im getting a handle back over my kids i didnt do it to my mom and they will not do it to me.I love my girls so much .i dont let them stay with anyothers but,grandparents which is maybe 5 night out of a year.the oldest use to stay alittle more but, the past two years she hasnt wanted too. .Alot of people tell me they are together too much and need time apart.im thniking i may send one for 2 days to grandparents then other next time.They really wont be apart grandparents live in my back yard.lol.Im the babysitter i keep alot of kids i have 3 i have about rasied with my kids.I tell them all the time these kids cant come stay they are grounded for fighting.and ect....But,the kids will call anut crystal,can i come this weekend.I just cant punish them or myself for something thats not these kids fault or mine.Im trying to firgure out day to day how to change this.I do ground and take things from my girls like playstation,dirt bike,4 wheeler,and ect...Really my kids are spoiled so bad.They have everything a child could dream of and they dont care if its taken i know they think we will get it back or they will buy another one....I bought a small recorder today its a good one.i hope i can find out who is starting the fights first.I think i will record for a week or so then go over it with them before i tell them they have been being recorded.lol....i hope that it will help.God bless,crystal
Hey Crystal, here's an idea. Just tape record yourself.
"Stop that right now, cut it out, go to your room, I don't care who started it, just knock it off, I am counting to three and if you aren't in your room you're losing your tv...one...two...two and a half..."
lol, you get the idea. I've actually considered this as it seems to be a daily ritual.My day starts off with the kids arguing and it ends that way. Who sits in the front seat is a major ordeal.
For the first time in years I have to say I've seen mine get along a little lately. They got a go Kart. (two seater) They would rather ride together than wait for a turn. It's actually an amazing sight to see.
And how do you ever get to the bottom of anything? I've yet to find a way. It's always the other one's fault.
Gina, I'm with you. It gets too much and I walk into another room. They can argue without an audience. Just no blood, bruises or weapons, please. lol, love, Kat
"Stop that right now, cut it out, go to your room, I don't care who started it, just knock it off, I am counting to three and if you aren't in your room you're losing your tv...one...two...two and a half..."
lol, you get the idea. I've actually considered this as it seems to be a daily ritual.My day starts off with the kids arguing and it ends that way. Who sits in the front seat is a major ordeal.
For the first time in years I have to say I've seen mine get along a little lately. They got a go Kart. (two seater) They would rather ride together than wait for a turn. It's actually an amazing sight to see.
And how do you ever get to the bottom of anything? I've yet to find a way. It's always the other one's fault.
Gina, I'm with you. It gets too much and I walk into another room. They can argue without an audience. Just no blood, bruises or weapons, please. lol, love, Kat
That was a pretty good one Kat.lol.I have said it just as you say record it and it dont work.They sit there she started it no she did ands so on.My nervers cant handle sitting in the bedroom letting the fuss it out and hit on eachother like i could when i was useing.Mine had a go -cart and my youngest ran it into the big whole it flip over and she was under it .My oldest came yelling i was on the porch and heard it.It scaried me to death.It had the roll bars on it and she didnt get a scracth at all.i was mad then,i had check her out she climed out from under really fast yelling im alright im alright.i had my husband to get it out the hole parked it i told them you will never ride it again.We sold it a few months later.Thier doctor had been getting on to me he said you dont know how many get killed on them .he said hes had kids to run under cars and it wasnt a pretty site.Anyways mine didnt ride together the other would stand out by the drive way and yell to me is it my turn.Id give them 20 mins. each.I always stay out when they were rideing or my husband would be out in the yard with them.Now,they have a golf cart,dirt bike,ATV.I dont let them ride the atv without me or my husband the dirt bike does about 20 to 25 speed.the golf cart has ben the safest .But, it needs some kind of switch.i let one drive me on atv and other ride dirt bike .then they swope after we get back to square one.My girls are very inmatrued for there age.i guess b/c i dont give them any slack.It may be one starting it oneday then the other the next but,something has to change they have to quit all the fussing and hitting on eachother.Im going to record it for awhile and then bring it out confont them and go from there,I cant handle it eveyday.From 6am til 720am then come home 330pm from then until bed time.the seat the bar where they eat at is what mine fight about the most or whos turn it is to bath first .I have to keep up with who bath the night before first or who sit at the last the night before..Just to feed the animals its every little thing around here they fuss and fight about.i thnik they love eachother,they sure have a way of showing it.uh...later im off to sleep.crystal
Hey Crystal:
Funny story about our little darlings fussing. My 2 oldest sons fussed for about 4 years - they were only 19 months apart and complete opposites. They were probably about 10 an 12 and I was cooking dinner in the kitchen and could hear them over the TV they were supposed to be watching.
They had me about crazy and I just ran into the den and said:
Can't the 2 of you do something destructive"
Of course I meant constructive but then they got funny b/c Mom was crazy, I told them they had driven me crazy.
Maybe had I acted crazy, they would have watched out a little more for me - haha
might have just worked.
Oh yeah, just wait 'til those teen years. I said my oldest tried to kill me when he was 15 (had 3 sons and 15 was the hardest age with all 3 and hardest on all 3 - they looked 12 when they start HS and the girls looked 21 so that had to be intimidating)
They didn't get into drugs or fighting - they were just teenagers and they aren' t fun. Some of the stuff they are into is fun- dances, football games, but the regular at home stuff, the world revolves around them. My oldest did start slipping and smoking at about 15 and never stopped. It drove me crazy. I would scram - he was not good at hiding them.. I had to give him lunch money, at that age, you usually want to give them a little extra but I gave him just enough for the 2 kins of lunches - what Mother could send her (any age) child to school w/o lunch money. I knew, without a doubt that money bought his cigarettes, he was the rebel.
Lots of fun to look forward to but it really is fun or either I have selected memory like my husband.
Love, Jean
Funny story about our little darlings fussing. My 2 oldest sons fussed for about 4 years - they were only 19 months apart and complete opposites. They were probably about 10 an 12 and I was cooking dinner in the kitchen and could hear them over the TV they were supposed to be watching.
They had me about crazy and I just ran into the den and said:
Can't the 2 of you do something destructive"
Of course I meant constructive but then they got funny b/c Mom was crazy, I told them they had driven me crazy.
Maybe had I acted crazy, they would have watched out a little more for me - haha
might have just worked.
Oh yeah, just wait 'til those teen years. I said my oldest tried to kill me when he was 15 (had 3 sons and 15 was the hardest age with all 3 and hardest on all 3 - they looked 12 when they start HS and the girls looked 21 so that had to be intimidating)
They didn't get into drugs or fighting - they were just teenagers and they aren' t fun. Some of the stuff they are into is fun- dances, football games, but the regular at home stuff, the world revolves around them. My oldest did start slipping and smoking at about 15 and never stopped. It drove me crazy. I would scram - he was not good at hiding them.. I had to give him lunch money, at that age, you usually want to give them a little extra but I gave him just enough for the 2 kins of lunches - what Mother could send her (any age) child to school w/o lunch money. I knew, without a doubt that money bought his cigarettes, he was the rebel.
Lots of fun to look forward to but it really is fun or either I have selected memory like my husband.
Love, Jean
Crystal,
My boys are 13 and 11 and I've been told that with regards to bickering, compared to girls, boys are rank amateurs. One thing that I learned in family counselling is that there's no getting to the bottom of any argument -- in virtually every situation there's no one person who is totally in the right (which pissed me off plenty at the time, because of course, I WAS ALWAYS RIGHT, lol). What I find myself doing, if I really have to get involved, is listen to both sides. Often, if they feel they've had a fair hearing, that's all that's needed. Then I separate them for half an hour. Like your girls, being apart from each other is their worst punishment.
"Stop that right now, cut it out, go to your room, I don't care who started it, just knock it off, I am counting to three and if you aren't in your room you're losing your tv...one...two...two and a half..."
Kat, LMAO!!! I'm on it. Tape recorder and "The Mom Voice" (the one that's pitched to come up through the bones of the heels and vibrate at the base of the skull, striking fear in any warm-blooded animal).
Love,
Gina
My boys are 13 and 11 and I've been told that with regards to bickering, compared to girls, boys are rank amateurs. One thing that I learned in family counselling is that there's no getting to the bottom of any argument -- in virtually every situation there's no one person who is totally in the right (which pissed me off plenty at the time, because of course, I WAS ALWAYS RIGHT, lol). What I find myself doing, if I really have to get involved, is listen to both sides. Often, if they feel they've had a fair hearing, that's all that's needed. Then I separate them for half an hour. Like your girls, being apart from each other is their worst punishment.
"Stop that right now, cut it out, go to your room, I don't care who started it, just knock it off, I am counting to three and if you aren't in your room you're losing your tv...one...two...two and a half..."
Kat, LMAO!!! I'm on it. Tape recorder and "The Mom Voice" (the one that's pitched to come up through the bones of the heels and vibrate at the base of the skull, striking fear in any warm-blooded animal).
Love,
Gina
This topic has really turned funny,lol! I have 3 boys,older now,but when they were younger,the fighting was unbelievable.Their biggest thing was...god forbid ..one get something the other didint.Or one get MORE of something than the other,CONSTANTLY.They would keep track..."Mom why did you give so and so $30 for HIS b'day,you only gave me $20?" or "how come he's got more (whatever it may be)of that then me!"...they used to fight over the glasses of drinks i would pour at dinner time,im not kidding,wanting to make sure they got the glass that was most full,lol,talk about driving a women crazy!!! I dont know how i survived it,but now that they are older,its a little better,though they still keep an eye on "who gets what,even at 25,23 &18"Now its my grandchildrens turn,(6 year old boy,and 4 year old girl)and she can talk circles around him til hes so confused he cant remember what he was arguing with her about,lol...i agree with your Dr's opinion Gina,wholeheartedly, about the girls.Those of you with young children hang in there,it doesnt get much better,lol~KIM
Oh yea..I always brought water with me so I could take that pill in the car. God Forbid I waited the 3 minutes in the car until I got home...but no....I thought I was the only one that did that. Denial in the first degree.Loliverny
cg,
you read my mind with your first post...lol..... I thought boy could this really be a trigger... but... alas....
any way .. I got alot of my drugs from the same two pharmacies and what a gift it was when they knew that I went to treatment and was clean and have been clean to be able to go there now and pick up my presciptions or my moms and hold my head up and smile and converse knowing and them knowing that I am clean and happy... they seem to have a new respect for me and that is such a wonderful gift and an encouragement.... it is great... I worked hard for it....
yes play the tape through... we werent kidding anyone.. pharmacist look at everyone and their history every time they fill a narco these days... unless they know the diagnosis or the person.... so.... anyone still using... you are just kidding yourself...
I am sooo grateful to be clean today and to be able to no longer be ashamed or aftaid that someone might find out... lol....
teresa
you read my mind with your first post...lol..... I thought boy could this really be a trigger... but... alas....
any way .. I got alot of my drugs from the same two pharmacies and what a gift it was when they knew that I went to treatment and was clean and have been clean to be able to go there now and pick up my presciptions or my moms and hold my head up and smile and converse knowing and them knowing that I am clean and happy... they seem to have a new respect for me and that is such a wonderful gift and an encouragement.... it is great... I worked hard for it....
yes play the tape through... we werent kidding anyone.. pharmacist look at everyone and their history every time they fill a narco these days... unless they know the diagnosis or the person.... so.... anyone still using... you are just kidding yourself...
I am sooo grateful to be clean today and to be able to no longer be ashamed or aftaid that someone might find out... lol....
teresa
Hey Teresa...sorry I didn't call you back..it's been a rough couple of days this week. I'm having one of those, please, earth open me up and swallow me, moments.
I love that I can also go into my local pharmacy (which is part of my grocery store) and shop again. I had told these pharmacist that I was in recovery when I finally quit and now they make a point of saying hello and ask me how I am. Before they would avoid eye contact...or maybe it was me that avoided eye contact.
Gina...you said boys are rank amatuers when it comes to fighting? You haven't met my 3. They are the heavy weight champions of the world. And I'm not kidding. They love eachother now and are close, the 2 oldest live together, so that's all I care about now...but there were days. Oh my God.
Cowgirl
I love that I can also go into my local pharmacy (which is part of my grocery store) and shop again. I had told these pharmacist that I was in recovery when I finally quit and now they make a point of saying hello and ask me how I am. Before they would avoid eye contact...or maybe it was me that avoided eye contact.
Gina...you said boys are rank amatuers when it comes to fighting? You haven't met my 3. They are the heavy weight champions of the world. And I'm not kidding. They love eachother now and are close, the 2 oldest live together, so that's all I care about now...but there were days. Oh my God.
Cowgirl
id always been told that girls were the worst .I was rasied up with 3 brothers and i know we didnt fight like this.i remeber it was me and my yougest about the frount seat.i have thought about takeing my girls to conceling also.Its driveing me crazy.Mine are the same way with keeping tabs. on what the others got for b-day and compare it when thier b-day comes around and ect......I was going to stat babysitting for dfacts they have made Some of the woman here get in school,or get a JOB.I could make good money by babysitting.I kept these two kids this evening and one is 22 months and the other 9 months.The 22 months old is hard head and its like if i tell her no dont do that she will do it despite of me.Like im not listening to you you said no and im doing it anyways.i very serious about it i had been getting on to her she woulds qiut at that moment and when i turn my back she would do it again.i walked up and caught her she looked up at me and smiles like ha i did it.The other 9 month old she had to be held the whole time and if you put her down she would cry and cry.I guess my nervers cant handle it like i use to.The woman they are going to school b/c dfact are makeing them.They were supose to apply for asstiance to pay for the child care.i was asked to keep one of them and the other girl brought the other child as well.They havent apply for assantance ethier.i kinda know one of the woman and i guess she thinks its friendship so,it free.i got to thinking i bet they are saying the grandmother is keeping the kids and they are getting the checks from the grandmothers.It want happen like this again.my back was killing me and nervers was shot by time they came in .They just said thank you for keeping them.They were beating on the coffie tab. and it has glass in it i told the parents when they were here they didnt need to do that .they could brake the glass and get hurt.And my brakeables could get messed up.these parent you could tell dont make them mind at all.One made the statement about other people getting on to her child.Im not keepimg them if i can make them mind.i dont belive in whipping other people kids .But,the 22 month old i poped her hand twice she looked at me like i was crazy.But, she quit doing what she was doing.lol.The 9 month dont know any better and i cant and want walk around holding her all day.Dont know if i can handle being a babysitter .I have had a bad day ......I love kids exspellicly small ones .im so glad mine are 12 and 10 years old.Someone said they sit and talk it out with the fussing or hitting.i have sit them down i said ok..Let me hear your side then the other and tried to work it out.Both will say the other hit first,bath first the night before,last drive both will say you sit in frount last its my turn and ect....i have to sit and think who did what last time .So i would know who's turn it is.Its hard my brain dont remember everyday who did what .....I just know something has to change around here.The recording myself saying stop,quit,one,two ,three it wont work.i do that without a recorder.i got to where i make them do more chorse around here when they are fighting.One in the bathroom and one in the liveing one.then its i want the bathroom ,i dont want to fold the clothes i did it last time.Its alway something.i got up this morning and cooked some blueberry pancakes .I alway fix them a bowl of cereal..my youngest picked them out and asked if id cook them this morning 6am .I dont ever cook breakfast this early.She was move around alot in her chair i knew she was ill about something. she was mad b/c she said you burnt them.they were not burnt.She is use to the freezer kind out of the box .I was pi**ed i told her to get dressed we had gotten into it big time.I swear they were not burnt.I eat two and she came after getting dressed can i have some cerael.I told her no but,you can go eat your pancakes.She finally right before the bus started eatting them .She said they are good.I told her you better enjoy that would be the last 6am cooking for her.My oldest dont eat pancakes.And dont complain like the youngest does.I hate fighting before she gets on the bus for school .Then,i worry all day.I stil tell her love ya have a good day .she dont say it back when shes mad.she has her daddy's temper.crystal
